Happy New Year.

...and a partridge in a pear tree...

Christmas has come and gone, my tree is still up, and we still are not pregnant. No worries though. I figure it will happen when it happens. We just can't afford the treatments anymore. So is this me giving up? Kind of, yeah. It would be nice to have children. I would make an excellent mother. But I just don't have the strength to live how I have been living anymore. I need to take care of myself first. So... like every "new year's resolution" in the world... I'll be attempting to lose weight. I've ballooned back up to where I started and I'm killing myself. I really am. The worst part about it is that I KNOW I'm doing it, and am really clueless as to why I just... can't stop... *sigh* So maybe when I drop some weight it will just happen, ya know? *rolls eyes* I'm so over being optimistic...

My new year's resolution...

Project 365. I will take a photo everyday starting on January 1st. It will be of whatever I feel like it should be that day. It might reflect my mood, it might be of me, but I will take a photo EVERY. DAY. Which means I might post EVERY. DAY. And I said MIGHT post. MIGHT.

Hopefully this year treats me better.

I get a little big stronger and a little bit healthier. For me. Here's to change.

-Jess

Don't think I don't think about it...

Well folks, I think I'm close to breaking down.

I know it has been awhile, and I apologize for that, especially to my family members that follow me on here and like to keep tabs. I'm sorry. With Thanksgiving over with and Christmas rapidly approaching I feel my anxiety level creeping to an all time high. We cannot afford Christmas this year. We can barely buy for the 10 children in our lives, let alone six adults. My mom came up with the idea to give out my baked goodies, which honestly isn't that horrible of an idea, but that's a lot of pressure too! I would have to make sure every cupcake and holiday cookie is pristine and perfectly frosted. *sigh* I don't know, but I'll try it. I'm also not sure if it will "fall on deaf ears" so to speak and not be appreciated. :-/

I love Christmas... I really do...

But I feel like this Christmas is going to suck. I'm a big Bah Humbug this year and I honestly think it's because I miss my dad. I know I spent last Christmas without him... but I was sort of numb the whole first year. Now that I have time to process it... "oh hey, dad's not here" it really sucks. I shouldn't complain. A lot of other people have lost a parent and I know it's not something easily "gotten over," but this REALLY sucks. My grandma is also not going to be able to enjoy the holiday with us. She was diagnosed with ALS and has been progressing very quickly. She can't speak very well, she can't walk, or feed herself, and she has trouble chewing and swallowing. She was also diagnosed with pseudobulbar palsy which causes her to laugh or cry (and I mean SOB) uncontrollably for no reason. It's horrible to see her like this. She was so involved with LIFE. She went to festivals all summer, she was a member of many different city boards and festival boards, she traveled. She was just in Germany! And then from May to November she just... lost everything... I love her a lot. I grew closer to her over the summer (not last, but the one before it) when my husband painted a few things around her house for her. It was nice being able to talk to her and have her tell me things I never knew about her before. And now I feel like I didn't see her enough. I HATE nursing homes. My great grandma passed away in a nursing home and now my only living grandparent is going to pass in one as well. So sorry I'm a Bah Humbug.

The other thing that's been on my mind...

We're still not pregnant. We're taking a break for the months of November and December. I started my cycle yesterday, but it's SUPER light... which is weird, but I'm not worried. It'll pick up. It usually does. I started thinking about the whole "maybe I'm not supposed to have children" thing again. It really does just jump into my head when I'm depressed about something. But surprisingly? I'm getting to the point where that's okay. I'm an amazing aunt... and maybe that's good enough. *shrugs*

Sorry for the no update thing again...
Hopefully this wasn't too terrible for you to read.

JessaKake's vs. Election.

I really need to open a bakery.

I just made the world's best red velvet cupcakes (homemade of course) accompanied by homemade cream cheese icing. The recipe I have made 32 cupcakes. Now, what the heck am I going to do with that many cupcakes for just my husband and myself? Easy. Give them away. I brought two dozen of the yummy things to work and am down to about ten. All of my coworkers told me "these are amazing!" or "they're perfect!" or "how did you do the icing, because I don't usually like cream cheese icing, but this is really good!"

*sigh* Well... I'll tell you. I'm an evil cupcake baking genius. I'm also an evil cookie baking genius. Or maybe just an evil dessert making genius. Either way, the common denominator is genius. Aside from that though, my coworkers all got me thinking that I should REALLY open up a bakery since all of my sweet treats are usually amazing. I just really don't have the money to do that. How hard to you think it is to get investors? I really just don't want to try this and fail. I don't like to fail... right now it's a good situation. I bake too much, I give the product out for free. Maybe there's some sort of charity I could get involved with and they can benefit from excess yummyness... hmm...

But I really need to think about possibly applying to work at a bakery...

Next topic?

Obama wins president.

I really wanted my cat, Isadore Tyrone, to be the first cat president... but alas he was not elected. Here are my thoughts on this. Izzy is super sad, but I gave him some cat treats and he snapped right out of it... oh, right. Election. Obama. Romney. Etc...

Obama is the president of The United States of America.

This really does not bother me as much as it bothers my coworkers, and they've been annoying me with it all morning. Saying things like, "Oh, I guess we're working for free now!" and "Do we really need to work that hard today?" and "Well I'll be out of a job when Obama Care goes into full swing." "We haven't had a good assassination lately..." Now, my office is entirely (for the most part) made up of die-hard republicans who don't even support that the first openly gay senator was elected into office. They had plenty to say about that as well. And it just aggravates me. I'm over hearing about it.

The way I look at it is that either way the vote would have went there was going to be change in America. Whether it's a good or a bad change remains to be said, but apparently the nation thought that Obama was the right guy for the job. It's not his fault Bush left an eight year disaster for him to clean up. We reelected Bush. We reelected Obama. Get over it. We had the opportunity to change it and we didn't. Even if you voted for Romney, you need to realize that Obama is still president, there's nothing you can do about it, and you should probably lend him (Obama) some support for the next four years, otherwise nothing is going to get done AT ALL.

I don't support Obama Care. I don't support it one bit. I don't like being told that I have to have health insurance or I have to pay a "fine" or "healthcare tax." It's bull. And I doubt that I'll be able to afford said tax, but guess what? There's nothing I can do about it now. So we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I also did not support Romney's anti-abortion stance. And I know what you're thinking... how can I be against life when I'm trying so hard to create it? It's simple. I'm not AGAINST life at all. I'm just pro-choice. I believe if a woman is raped and a child is conceived out of that horrendous act that she has the right to do with her body as she sees fit. If she can't fathom giving birth to a child that in her mind could be "half monster" then she shouldn't have to. Every circumstance is different and that should be taken into consideration. For myself? No. Never would I ever have an abortion or endorse getting one. But I feel like if it's right for that person, then fine. No one should dictate what a woman should do with her body.

This all being said...

America is in for an awakening. Things get worse before they get better. Maybe things will turn around in the next four years, and maybe they won't. But we do know one thing for sure... After this term he's done. He'll be gone...So for now. Lend him some support and suck it up.

Thanks for listening.
Have a cupcake.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is probably my favorite holiday.

Seriously. I love it more than Christmas. It's the one holiday that I can dress like a complete fool and get away with it. My costume this year was an "80's chick." That's what I dubbed it at least. We have a Halloween Costume Contest every year at work. And I REALLY thought I had it in the bag this year... I was creative, colorful (who wasn't in the 80's?!), and my make-up was adorable... and then... my coworker, walked into the building.

First of all... I work in a pediatrician's office.

Secondly... we see a variety of all kinds of things from chicken pox, fevers, coughing, allergic reactions, bug bites, etc... I could go on forever. Now... my coworker won last year dressed as Cruella DeVille. She looked FABULOUS... so naturally I wanted her to win. Well... this year she came dressed as a BEDBUG. A freaking bedbug. I knew I lost at that moment. Who dresses as a bedbug?! GRRRR!!!! I'm just mad I'm not that creative. She was dressed in pajama bottoms, slippers, a comfy tshirt, with a red robe over the top. Then she made a giant brown bug body and put half of it on the front of her robe and the other half on the back. Complete with little black antennae and blood around her mouth from "sucking blood from unsuspecting sleepers."

Anyway... I'll let you judge. I'm on the left. She's on the right. :)
Happy Halloween!!!

   




















                                           **UPDATE** : I won by ONE VOTE!!!! CRAZY!!!!

Give me a break.

Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar.

My "October break" resulted in a negative. I was so positive about this cycle too! I had two really good follicles, and my husband had a good count... but alas. Negative. :( Now we seriously ARE taking a break. Not just telling people we are. It's frustrating... so, so frustrating. I know this is a good thing though, especially for my mental health, my emotional health, and my financial circumstances. This really is taking a toll on our bank account.

Talk about a stress relief.

When I talked to the doctor on Monday I told them that I had started my cycle and taken two home pregnancy tests (both being negative). I also asked if it would be okay if my husband and I took a "break" for a couple months. Just until the holidays and the stress ball that is Christmas is over with. They said that it was fine to do that and that it wouldn't alter my treatment plan in any way. I would be fine to pick up right where I left off as soon as I wanted to. I told them I would most likely call them in January. They also said if we were to conceive on our own during our two month hiatus to call them and they'll monitor me for the first twelve weeks.

The good news?

I know around the time I ovulate now, BUT that is while on medication. I won't be on my fertility drugs (Ovidrel & Gonal-F) during the break. I will however continue to take my Metformin, Aspirin, Prenatal, Co-Q10, and any other vitamins I want to take. I also plan on continuing my Clomid. I'll start that tomorrow. Just because I know it will help me to ovulate. I may not be triggering my ovulation, but I know I'll ovulate and possibly conceive on our own. I'm just really not thinking it will happen like that. I honestly think that it's going to take IVF to get my hostile uterus to accept pregnancy. *sigh* Not saying I have a hostile uterus or anything... but if the shoe fits I might as well wear it.

I am welcoming this REAL LIVE break with open arms.

This way I can concentrate on buying Christmas presents for my four nephews, three nieces, my five sisters-in-law, two brothers-in-law, three brothers, mother, mother-in-law, father-in-law and my husband. My husband will normally help me with shopping for the younger kids... two of my sisters-in-law are under the age of 16, as well as one of my brothers-in-law. The rest are older and have kids of their own (the nieces and nephews). My husband has an American family, what can I say? I just have my three brothers. :)

Needless to say, I have plenty of children to hold me over on holidays until I have my own.

Jessica Ridgeway.

This has nothing to do with infertility.

I need to discuss this, because it's something I think about almost constantly. I've been following the case of a missing child from Colorado named Jessica Ridgeway.  Police have found a body, but have not released/said whether or not it is Jessica's body that they found. This is terrible in and of itself that it may NOT be Jessica since it would mean that another ten year old blonde haired girl was found dead. I pray for the family that one of two things happens. They FIND Jessica. And that whatever the outcome the family will have peace and JUSTICE. The sad part about an open forum at the end of online articles is this: people have the nerve to blame the parents for her disappearance.

I can't stress this enough.

People are not perfect. Parents are not perfect. Jessica is ten years old. She left for school to meet her friends at a park where they would then all walk together. The school called Jessica's mother shortly after 8:00am to report that she wasn't there. The mother missed the phone call and didn't get the message until she woke up at 4:00pm. This woman works third shift to provide for her family. And it sounds terrible and people want to know how you can "miss" a phone call. Easy... you're tired. You don't HEAR the phone. I, for one, do NOT blame this mother. It is NOT her fault Jessica got abducted by a monster. 

Here is my point of all of this.

Jessica is ten years old. She walked to school every day before this. Her mother trusted her enough to get there, and she DID. When I was ten years old my mother trusted the same of me. I walked roughly a quarter mile to and from school every day without a second thought. My mother let my brother and I play outside unattended as long as we were out front and she could occasionally glance out and see us. If we weren't right out front we were probably down the street or easily within ear shot. I cannot believe how times have changed. This mother was probably trusted to walk to and from school herself so she saw nothing wrong with letting her daughter walk to school unattended. I see nothing wrong with it, but times HAVE changed. And it's a HORRIBLE circumstance when you realize it too late. I can't fathom what possess people to molest innocent children. To abduct innocent children and murder them for some sick obsession. I hope the mother of Jessica Ridgeway receives justice for her daughter. Whether she is found dead or alive. And I pray that she finds comfort during this horrific time in her life.

Jessica is 4'10," 80 pounds, has shoulder-length blonde hair, blue eyes and was last seen wearing a black jacket with pink and purple eyeglasses.
Anyone with any information is being asked to call the Westminster Police tip line: 303-658-4336 or email PDamberalert@cityofwestminster.us.

Stimming and Baby dust.

Long time. I know. 

At least it feels like I haven't written in forever. I told everyone we were "taking a break,"  when in reality we really aren't. It's super less stressful on me. So as a result my body has responded amazingly to the medication. I took Clomid starting on September 30th through October 3rd then I started my injectable drugs on the 3rd as well. I have been taking them like clockwork every day and am very proud of myself. They have me on Gonal-f.  My only complaint (other than stabbing myself in the belly with a needle every day) is the BRUISING that comes with it. Usually I will just bruise a tiny bit by the injection site and it's gone in two days, but yesterday I noticed that I have a gigantic bruise. It's purple-blue and very not pretty to look it. But it's not painful. I do think I'll avoid my right side for the remainder of the injections. Luckily for me my last injection of the medication is tomorrow. They had me on a low dose to begin with at only 37.5 units until yesterday.

My estrogen level came back at 77.

They told me this was good, but the doctor wanted to raise my dosage of the Gonal-f to 75 units for yesterday and today. Then on Wednesday he wants me to dose myself at 150 units and then take my Ovidrel injection that night as well at 10:00pm. This cycle has gone SUPER fast. I only had to go get my follicles checked once when normally I go two-four additional times to recheck them. As of yesterday at 8:15am I have one follicle measuring at 16mm and a second at 12mm. By Wednesday they should both be mature enough to release an egg. I also have a smaller 7-8mm folly on the other side that COULD grow as well, but it isn't as likely. It was actually quite comical yesterday when my doctor told me I responded beautifully and that he didn't need to have me come back at all. He scheduled the IUI for this Friday at 10:00am. My husband has his appointment at 8:00am. It's just really crazy that I didn't have to go back for a recheck. I still can't wrap my head all the way around that. I actually had to call my pharmacy to have my Ovidrel shipped out yesterday for today instead of Wednesday for Thursday. I was totally not prepared to have them tell me that I'll trigger Wednesday.

Keeping fingers crossed.

If pregnancy does NOT happen this month. We really ARE taking a break... especially with the holidays fast approaching we don't want to be super stressed out. So this is our last attempt until January. Wish us luck and baby dust please. :)
 

Fertility Friend.

I've been using this dumb website...

I say "dumb website" because I don't understand it. I have all of my information plugged in since June, but it's telling me that for this cycle there is "no ovulation predicted." Well why not? If this site is so smart and uses patterns to detect ovulation then it should tell me something, right?! It DID tell me that my cycles run an average of 30-32 days though, which is normal for women with PCOS. It makes ovulation detection a bitch though... clearly. I'm also only on cycle day number TWO! So I've got a long way to go... it does have little colored boxes around October 8th through 10th with another different colored box around October 26th. So I think it's predicting my ovulation and when I should take a pregnancy test... even though it's telling me it's NOT. Stupid website... Oh by the way, the pregnancy test (for this round) was negative... if that wasn't obvious from the start.

So we enter round four.

When the nurse called me with my progesterone results and they were only at 6, let's just say I was a little less than optimistic that our trial at home was successful. I was crossing my fingers and toes and eyes and anything that would cross, but it didn't matter. *sigh* I had a talk with my husband about taking a break. He's okay with it, but I think he's okay with whatever I want to do. And I want a break. I think. I'm on such a high dosage of Clomid that I'm worried about over stimulation; my poor ovaries need a break. I don't think they've worked this hard EVER. My husband reassured me two weeks ago that he's "okay with not having kids." Well... I'm not okay with that. This is kind of a deal breaker for me. I've wanted children since I can remember and if I can't have my own I want to adopt or foster. And he does not want to do either of those things. It makes me sad and frustrated because I know he knows I feel about children... anyway, moving on.

I'm going to talk to my doctor at my ultrasound.

I figure I'll go ahead and go in and make sure my ovaries are okay, my lining is fine, etc. My period is being wacky. I started spotting on the 23rd, then it got a little heavier on the 24th, but still VERY light. Yesterday was more consistent, but also LIGHT and today was super light to non-existent spotty like. BUT my two home pregnancy tests came back negative so I don't know what my body is doing. No cramps either. It's annoying. But anyway, I'm definitely going to talk to my doctor at the ultrasound and see if he recommends me taking a month off or not. He wants to put my on injectables. Whatever those are... I'm sure we'll discuss those as well. I'm leaning more toward a break and THEN jumping into the injectable drugs, but I don't want my body to just stop working and go back to it's non-ovulatory state. Which it might be doing with this light spotting crap.

Who knew having a baby would be this hard.

I'm Going Gray...

Seriously.

I had an ultrasound on Thursday, September 6th to check out my follicles after increasing my Clomid dosage to 200mg. Results? 11mm. SERIOUSLY? 11 freaking millimeters. AND I only (again) had one follicle that looked like it was growing. I expected more. I was disappointed. My lining was also thinner than they wanted it to be. So...they had me go back for a second ultrasound on Saturday, September 8th to make sure, for certain, that my 11mm follicle was indeed growing and not just staying put. They told me it wasn't uncommon for women with PCOS to ovulate later in their cycles and that I shouldn't be discouraged at all. So I went in on Saturday and my follicle grew to 14mm and my lining thickened up. (Woo hoo)! I had to go back for a third ultrasound on Monday, September 10th. At this point I was annoyed with it, and totally expected my follicle to be around the 16-17mm mark.

Imagine my surprise...

My follicle grew to 19mm. I think my eyes were as big as saucers when he said that. I can only imagine. The doctor told me that once a follicle decides to go, they go! And can grow up to 3mm a day, which is what mine did. I was still surprised. He told me to wait until Tuesday (yesterday) before giving myself my Ovidrel injection. That way my follicle would be in the 20-22mm range. He then told us to try for pregnancy yesterday, which didn't happen because my husband wanted to watch Sons of Anarchy instead, and by the time he came to bed I was asleep. And to try tonight (Wednesday). Now... according to all my research I will ovulate 24-40 hours after my injection. So... baby dancing tonight is a must. We're trying on our own this time for two factors. Cost is the main reason, and the other is just to try on our own after two failed IUIs. I REALLY really don't want this third try to be a bust though. I get that there's a lot of pressure on my husband... but I will be so upset if this just doesn't happen (sort of like last night). It's semi-frustrating to me to know that he'd rather watch the premier of a TV show than to try to grow our family...

What can I do though...

This whole process is becoming a nightmare. I knew it would be tough, and that it wouldn't happen "overnight," but I didn't count on the whole mood swings are ridiculous while on all these medications thing. I get frustrated super easily (which may be why I was upset about last night), and I have anxiety about things I wouldn't normally feel anxious about. I feel like more and more gray hair is sprouting on my head. I pulled one out today. Have you ever noticed that gray hair is SUPER STRONG opposed to your natural hair color? It's like... thicker and has a rougher texture. At least my "gray" hair is a pretty silver color and not dull at all. Maybe I'll just let the gray take over. Who knows. I just hope that this gets easier. And that the stupid pregnancy test reads positive.

So we're going to try something new...

Timed Intercourse.

This post may be considered "TMI" if the word intercourse offends you. If this is the case, stop reading now. Otherwise... please continue. I say this because I know some people don't like reading the word sex, or intercourse. They don't like thinking about sex, or they basically just get uncomfortable about the whole thing in general, so this is your final warning.

My husband has decided.

We discussed, in a little bit of length, the possibility of trying Timed Intercourse. We have NOT discussed this with my doctor however, but I don't think it would cause too much of an issue. Either way we're trying for a baby. We're just opting to run the whole marathon as opposed to the short sprint. Plus... we have money to think about.

Let me break this down, so you get it.

From the wonderful movie, Bridesmaids, "Help me, I'm poor." :)
Now, we aren't POOR poor... just working middle class. But that doesn't change the fact that money does not grow on trees and we have limited funds to work with. Every ultrasound that I have costs me a copay of $20 at the time of my visit. I have two ultrasounds a cycle, $40. Plus if insurance kicks back and says they won't cover that, I also owe anything that comes back. $40 doesn't seem too bad. And it's not. It's what comes after that that gets us.

These are rounded to the nearest dollar and are one cycle's worth, or one month's worth, of costs.

Medication:Metformin - $13.00
Clomid - $50.00
Thyroid - $8.00
Ovdrel - $150.00

Progesterone (possibility) - 198.00

We are at $221.00 without the progesterone. Add that in and we are at $419.00 in medication costs ALONE. I haven't even listed the prices for IUI and my husband's sperm washing.

IUI - $185.00
Sperm Wash - $150.00
Total cost - $335.00

So $221.00 and $335.00 gets me $556.00 Add in the possible progesterone = $754.00. (not including the original $40 for ultrasound copayments!)
Every cycle.

So I have the option of saving $335.00 this cycle. We're doing it. A lot of people I know think that people who undergo Fertility Treatments are RICH. I am not rich. I don't have nice cars or fancy clothes. I live in an APARTMENT that is messy more often than not. I work 40 hours a week to barely scrape by on bill payments. But I will do whatever I can to have a child of my own. I dropped my medical insurance at work because they weren't covering the treatments anyway, so what was the point of paying $600 a MONTH to have insurance I couldn't even use? Right. Exactly. It just really bugs me when people have this assumption that the people who undergo fertility treatments are rich.

We just need a little help. 

So the husband and I are doing Timed Intercourse this cycle. I told my mom, "who freakin' knows. It'll probably work this time." And ya know what? The odds are almost identical to each other. You only have a 20% chance of conception each ovulation period. And did you know that sperm actually live longer when they are not processed and washed in a sterile solution? A normal, unwashed sperm can live up to five days inside of a woman. A washed sperm has a life span of 24-48 hours. Don't know about you, but I'll try the five days this round. Hopefully I'll have some positive news to report next post!

Negatory, Batman.

Boo.

That's basically how I feel about Monday. Blegh and Boo. All wrapped up together into a tight little ball of BleghBoo-ness.  *sigh* I was supposed to be taking a pregnancy test today. Supposed to as in I didn't. Reason being? I started my period on August 24th. Honestly? I was sort of relieved by it in a sense that I've been "like clockwork" for the past three months. That means I'm working. I'm functioning at 100% capacity. All systems are go. Woo hoo! But then it means that I'm not pregnant. Which is sad. And annoying. And all of my hormonal imbalances where I cried about golden retrievers running onto baseball fields meant nothing.

Boo.

I did go to the doctor today though. Since I did start my cycle they wanted to do their obligatory ultrasound for cyst checking as soon as possible. And also to make SURE SURE that I wasn't pregnant by poking my poor poor vein for the 82nd time. So technically I guess I DID do a pregnancy test today. *rolls eyes* I still don't understand why they can't just check while they have an ultrasound wand up my hoo-ha. Sorry... anyway... the results are in! And I have one 16mm cyst on my right ovary. It's really not that big, but it looked humongous on the little black and white screen. I grabbed a ruler and measured it out.

______ <-- That is a 16mm line. I think. I just held my piece of cyst paper up to the computer screen. So there you go. *shrugs*

The doctor told me that since there is only one cyst and not a cluster of them, and it's not round in shape (it's oblong), it means that the cyst is basically folding in on itself. Or dissipating. Or going BYE BYE! And since it looks like it IS doing that he is okay with moving forward with round three of stimulation. Hello 200mg of Clomid! Looking forward to meeting you! I'm okay with this though... Even though I responded "wonderfully" to the 150mg of Clomid, I still only produced one mature follicle. What they're hoping happens is that I'll respond double wonderfully to the 200mg and produce at least two or possible three mature follicles. This is where my multiple meter would increase. This is where my possibility of twins may become a reality.

Third time's the charm!

I'm trying very hard to remain upbeat. I keep telling myself, "Jessika... you've been trying for three years by yourself, what's three more months?" Well... three months is 25% of a year. And I really don't want to move past a complete fourth year. And I KNOW people try for more than ten years sometimes, but I don't know if I can. I feel like this is taking so much out of me sometimes and nobody REALLY gets it. Unless they have actually struggled with infertility they don't understand. They don't understand the financial strain, the emotional toll it takes on you and your family, the pain and frustration after each negative result, the constant mood swings due to medication. They can say the understand all they want... but they don't. I'm lucky I have the support system I have. Both at home and at work. I love the people in my life right now and wouldn't trade them for anything. Well... except maybe a baby, but that's illegal. ;o) I know some of my coworkers follow this blog, and I'm so grateful for that... it may not reflect on my "followers list," but I know they're there. That's all that matters. And one day... (hopefully soon!) that pregnancy test will say positive.

Then my baseball playing golden retrievers will mean everything.

Star Wars and Spotting.

We have Star Wars "TATTOO" Bandaids...

They're actually rather neat. Sorry, for the long time no update, but I have been SUPER busy with everything from work, photography, and just trying not to fall asleep standing up that I haven't really had time to breathe! *sigh* SO! Back to my Star Wars Bandaids... We got them about three weeks ago now, but they are AMAZING! (Hey, I'm a geek, leave me be!) As we all know I had my second IUI procedure done on August 10th, which feels like a year ago now... but on the 14th I gave myself my booster shot of Ovidrel. Well, third time must be the charm because it HURT this time! The first two times I couldn't feel the needle and I didn't bleed at all. This time though, it hurt, I bled, and I bruised afterward. Well, I FREAKED out when it hurt, but I continued with the injection, pulled out the needle, and noticed blood in the syringe. So I immediately think "OMG I'M GOING TO DIE!" and I thought I didn't tap the all of the air bubbles out and injected an air pocket... I know, it's funny. Feel free to laugh. :) I retrieved a Star Wars Bandaid from the box and put it on my tiny injection site on my belly. I then peeled off the white outside part leaving just a clear adhesive with a picture of Obi Wan Kinobi. Yes, Obi Wan Kinobi was on my belly. :) And then I showed everyone at work. I also told two of my coworkers what happened and they (after laughing at me) told me, "you're not going to die... you most likely just hit a capillary." and, "do you know how much AIR it would take to kill you!?" :) I love them... and they loved my bandaid...

I had my progesterone level drawn on August 17th.

The doctor's office called me on Monday to tell me that my level was at 8.1. I asked them if that was good, and they told me that it was since my last level (for my first cycle) was only a 5.3 and even though it's not at 10 or anything that it isn't a horribly low level. So yay for that! I also know of plenty of people that conceived with a lower number than 8.1, so I'm happy with my level. However, I did ask the nurse if the doctor wanted me to take progesterone supplements just in case, and she told me that since I had the booster Ovidrel, that they would use that as a hormone regulator instead of more progesterone. If I were to take more progesterone it would mess with my period (if I'm going to get it). She also told me that if I'm NOT pregnant this time, they're increasing my Clomid dosage. I'm already at 150mg so I guess the next step is 200mg? Those hot flashes are going to be amazing...

Did I mention that this round of IUI feels 100% different?

Everything feels different. The first round of IUI I KNEW it didn't work. I literally cramped the whole two week waiting period. They started out dull the whole first week and then got progressively worse as week two began and then I started my period (for the second time) on the 24th of the month. I never felt tired, my boobs were not tender, I was not emotional. This time though? I cramped the initial day of the procedure. I laid around all day afterward as well, which I did NOT do the previous try. I cry for no reason. Literally, no reason at all. I was watching an Air Bud (the golden retriever) movie and I cried when he came out onto the baseball field. Really? THAT made me cry?? I also cried Monday night over spaghetti... or bread sticks, I'm not sure which one actually did the deed, but I hugged my husband for a solid two minutes with watery eyes while he laughed at me and asked me if I was okay. No, I'm not okay, my emotions are EVERYWHERE! My boobs are sore. If I touch them in any way they have a dull achy type pain to them. It's more annoying than anything. Speaking of annoying... I'm MOODY. Every little thing makes me start grumbling and everything is "annoying" me. :) I'm exhausted. I don't remember ever having been this tired before. I feel like I could fall asleep leaning on a counter. In fact, when I'm not working I'm napping. Now... ALL of these things could also be side effects to having a second Ovidrel shot. I'm not jumping up and down thinking I'm pregnant... I just know every little aspect about this round is different.

I started spotting yesterday.

THAT'S different... I don't think I've ever just spotted without then having my period. If my body is actually willing to be "regular" I'm due to start my period on the 24th of this month... but seeing as I started spotting yesterday around 12:20pm who the heck knows. After the initial 12:20pm spotting, it stopped altogether and I had no indication of any bleeding at all. I also did have dull cramping around 10:30am to 11:00am but I didn't think anything of it. I, of course, freaked out and called the doctor. They called back and told me that spotting is COMPLETELY NORMAL when you're undergoing fertility treatment. My uterus just has a lot going on at the moment so a little spotting is nothing to be concerned about. Two of my coworkers told me that cramping and spotting can happen during implantation. Hmm... I also woke up this morning with light spotting and it has been on and off throughout the whole day. Someone else told me that my uterus could be stretching to make room for a baby. Hmm... the only thing I care about is if it's normal or not. And seeing as they told me it was, I'm hoping I miss my period on the 24th and come back with a positive result on the 27th. If not? Well... we'll just have to try again won't we? 

I got a feelin'...

I feel different...

I don't know if I'm pregnant. It's still too early to tell. I only had my second IUI procedure on Friday. So yeah. I don't know if it's just because I have a better feeling about it this time around or my attitude is just all around better or what, but all I know is that I feel different. After last month's IUI procedure I cramped the whole two week waiting period. I mean, non-stop cramping the whole time. But I just assumed that was normal since they told me I may experience cramping. This time around... I cramped the actual day of and haven't had a cramp since. My sister-in-law thinks that maybe last time was my body saying, "Nope, no baby for you!" and this time around it might have worked.

Still too early to say.

I do think this waiting period will go by quicker than last month's because it's actually LONGER. I have a progesterone level this coming Friday to see if my levels are good after my booster shot (on Tuesday), and because of the booster shot I can't go for my pregnancy blood draw until August 27th. So this is basically a two and a half week waiting period. I found that I'm not as vocal about my appointments as I was last month either. I'm just kind of like, "you can ask me, and I'll tell you." But I'm not just straight up volunteering the information anymore. I feel like if people want to know they can read the blog or just ask me. I mean, this is all pretty redundant after the first IUI don't ya think? It really doesn't deviate much from the original plan of attack.

I actually smiled on Friday...

After the procedure while my husband and I walked to our car I caught myself grinning like a school girl with a crush. I remember thinking, "this is going to be a good one." I can just FEEL it. Everything about round two compared to round one is just different. From the doctor who performed the procedure, to the cramping and spotting afterward. I don't 100% have my hopes all the way up, but I'm just saying... I've got a good feeling.

On the edge of seventeen.

Had another ultrasound today.

As of Saturday I started out with five follicles all measuring between nine and twelve millimeters. As of today, I have one follicle measure 17 millimeters and another measuring around twelve-thirteen millimeters. The others have decided that Ms. 17 is the boss and faded into the background. The NP explained it to me this way, "this is why humans don't have litters like dogs or cats. We start out with a few players in the game and once they hit a certain measurement one or two of them decide to become leaders or bosses and absorb the majority of the hormones and estrogen you're producing in order to produce a mature egg. Which is why humans typically have one baby at a time and dogs and cats end up with five or six babies." I understand it when said like this. It's nice to know the follicle on my left ovary thinks it's the boss. Ironically enough the follicle that was the biggest last cycle also happened to be on my left ovary. Hmm...

I read something interesting...

Just because I have a mature follicle, does not mean it will release an egg. Well, that sucks. I'm kind of counting on the release of an egg here, folly... I also read that while typically a mature follicle is between 20-23 millimeters (what my doctors like to see), they can also be "mature" at 15 millimeters and release an egg as well. Interesting right? Well, at least I think it is...

So based off of my results today,

I will give myself my trigger shot between 8:00am and 10:00am on Thursday morning with IUI number two on Friday morning at 10:15am. I am in significantly better spirits about round two than I was about round one. I'm not exactly sure why though. I think it may be due to the fact that everything has gone so smoothly this time, whereas in the first cycle it lasted two-three weeks longer because I didn't get my period when they anticipated. I ended up having to take Provera to get a period. This time? No Provera needed. I was ecstatic! Still am... I also think that this time around my trigger shot is timed better than the first time. I was told that once a dominant follicle makes itself known, it grows roughly two millimeters a day. If this is actually the case my Ms. 17 folly will be between 21 and 22 millimeters on Thursday. Last cycle they had my take my trigger shot with my follicle only being at 18 millimeters. So naturally... I have more faith in round two. :)

We shall see though! 

Liebster Award?

So, I was checking my email the other day...

I've been nominated for the Liebster Award!

I have no idea what this is... and I'm extremely new to the blogging community, but nevertheless I'm very excited to be nominated! Thanks so much, Julie! You're a gem! You can check her out at http://www.momontherunx2.com/

The award is given to upcoming bloggers with less than 200 followers. "Liebster" is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome.

Here is how the Liebster Award works:

1. Each nominee must post 11 things about themselves.

2. Answer the questions that the tagger set for you and create 11 questions for bloggers you've tagged.

3. Choose up to 11 bloggers and link them in your post.

4. Go to their page and tell them.

5. No tag backs.


Eleven Things About Me
1.  I work in a pediatrician's office as a receptionist.
2.  I absolutely despise feet. I think they're gross.
3.  I make the BEST desserts. Don't ask me how though, because I don't measure a thing.
4.  I'm twenty five years old and still have no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life.
5.  I own two cars.
6.  I think my younger brother is the funniest person I know.
7.  I don't have that many friends, but I wouldn't trade the ones I do have for the world.
8.  I love taking pictures. Photography is one of my passions.
9.  Clouds make me smile. Especially "Toy Story" clouds.
10. My all time favorite weather is raining while the sun is shining.
11. The only thing I truly want in my life is children.


And now for the 11 questions that Julie has asked me...


1.  What is your favorite ice cream flavor? 
Chocolate chip cookie dough, one hundred percent.

2.  What is one thing you did in your younger years that you are ashamed of?
Being mean to a little girl that lived next door to me. I had a "fat" contest and said she was the loser. Her mom heard the whole thing and yelled at me and then had a conversation with my mom. I felt so awful. I had no reason to do that, but I know I was a jealous kid and didn't want her to play with my "best friend" so I hurt her feelings. I was a brat.

3.  Describe your style. 
Honestly? I really don't have a "style." lol And if I could put a name to it, comfy casual. I'm a    real TShirt and Jeans kind of gal. Not to mention that I wear scrubs the majority of the week for work.

4.  Why do you blog?
I really blog for myself. I don't really care if people read it. I blog because it helps me to remember things and allows me to keep my brain focused, my attitude positive, and my emotions in check. If I didn't have an outlet for all of the information I'm processing I would go insane.

5.  What is your favorite non-blog website?
Ha. Facebook. Or MyFitnessPal.com, I have a lot of positive people in my life through that website.

6.  What is your favorite blog post?  Link it here.
I don't have a favorite blog post. I don't really read a lot of blogs (like, at all). 
 
7.  What month is your Zodiac sign?  Do you think you have those traits?
I'm an April born, bull-headed, opinionated, fun loving, down to earth, Taurus. And I have one hundred percent of those traits.

8.  What is one thing you want to do that you have never done?
Sky dive. I think it would be the most thrilling experience.

9.  Blogger, Wordpress or something else?
I use blogger. But that's because it's the only thing that I'm familiar with.

10.  What is your favorite food?
Italian. Or Pizza. I don't count pizza as Italian as it did not originate in Italy. It originated in Greece.

11.  If money was no object, what would you do?  Where would you go?
I would travel the world. I think I would go everywhere I could. Throw darts at maps and just go.

 And now for the people I am nominating for the Liebster award!!!

Keep in mind, I don't follow a lot of blogs, so I'm not nominating very many people. :)

1. Christie! - http://memoirsofacrazedmom.blogspot.com/
2. Carrie! - http://carriemotherhood.blogspot.com/
3. Gwen! - http://www.alittleunhinged.com/
4. Katri! - http://www.missinggalway.blogspot.com/
5. Cassie! - http://two-in-diapers.blogspot.com/

And here are my questions for you:

1. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

2. What is your go-to, when all else fails comfort food?

3.  What do you do to pay the bills?

4. What is your favorite food?

5. What is your favorite quote/saying?

6. What is the best piece of advice someone has given you, and did you follow it?

7. What is the craziest thing you ever did growing up?

8) What is one thing that makes you smile no matter what?

9) Who do you miss more than anything?

10) Do you have a favorite hobby?

11) Why do you blog?



Can't wait to read everyone's responses!

This was a fantastic break from all of my infertility mumbo jumbo. Ultrasound this Saturday though, and round two of IUI Monday or Tuesday. Wish me luck! :)

The moment you have been waiting for!!!

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

I know Monday was forever ago to some of you, but I didn't see a real need to rush this post. Especially since the news is not fantastic. The result is in! And it was negative. I don't think this is a bad thing though. I know a lot of people were sad for me because they wanted me to conceive on the first try so badly (especially at my office), but I'm not that upset about it. Mainly because I didn't expect a positive result on round one of IUI. Yes, it works for some people, but the probability of one of those people being me? Wasn't very high.

So we continue...

When the doctor's office called me with the negative result, they told me that since I was taking progesterone, that I should stop and would then start my period a few days later. Well... I started yesterday. Which is weird since I started on the 24th of June as well. Holy crap, a "regular," "on time" cycle? What is happening to me...! My periods always have the same pattern to them as well. They start out on MY day one spotty and not all the way there, but by day two I'm ready to die. So MY day two, is the doctor's day one. It's confusing, don't try to hard to understand it. Basically my cycle doesn't start until (my) day two because I have to be bleeding to death in order to have an accurate fertility treatment period. Soooo.... I have an ultrasound tomorrow to look at my ovaries (no cysts) and uterine lining (shedding properly). Then comes Clomid again (yay hot flashes!), followed by another ultrasound to view follicle growth (hoping for 20mm), Ovidrel injection, IUI (#2), and two week wait with a progesterone level check in the mean time.

It's amazing how quickly it goes...

Especially this time. Since the first time was kind of a trial run. Like, get my hormones working, get me ovulating, checking medication response, etc... now that they know everything that works it's all "boom boom boom!" So again, I'm perfectly fine with a negative result the first time around because I know that this time could be different. My time will come. I'm not going to rush it. I've been waiting three years, what's a few more months?

The only difference is that now I have you to share it with.

Postively Progesterone...

It's hard to stay positive.

I don't think it worked. Of course, I didn't expect it to on the first try, but saying it out loud feels depressing. Typing it is depressing. I don't think it worked. No, I haven't tested yet, but it's just a feeling I now have. I'm trying to remain upbeat and positive, but it is SO hard. I got a call from my doctor's office this morning to tell me the results of my progesterone blood draw yesterday. My level is at 1.5. They told me that that is high enough to indicate that I ovulated (which is fantastic), but not where they need it to be to maintain pregnancy. Meaning, that if I don't get my level up and I AM pregnant, I'll miscarry. And I don't test for another week.

I'm on progesterone medication.

The way the doctor's office put it, they're "giving me something to help me along." It's an oral medication that is taken twice daily, but that's not the way I'm taking it. I'm not a shy one, so I'm just going to tell you that I get to take it vaginally. Once before bed, once when I wake up. I've never taken medication like that before so this should prove an interesting experience for me. They want the medication taken this way so that it is absorbed directly into my uterus. They also said that when I test (for pregnancy) if it comes out negative I'll stop taking the progesterone and start my period. And if I test positive then they'll redraw my progesterone level and see where it's at to determine whether or not I still need to take it. They're still crossing their fingers for a positive. I am too, but we'll see. Progesterone is ridiculously expensive. $192.64 worth of expensive. And that's only for a ONE MONTH supply! So hopefully... I don't need it for longer than a month. Otherwise... well, I don't know otherwise...

My coworker did progesterone as well...

She told me not to stress out about it too much. She had to take it twice during her pregnancy and her daughter is perfectly healthy. She did tell me that it freaked her out at the time, but that there is nothing wrong with needing a little progesterone help. :) So that actually does leave me a small amount of hope to cling to. I'm trying. I really am, to be positive. But at this point? I really don't know if it worked. *sigh*

Here we go, Monday.

So maybe I lied...

This IS the longest two weeks of my life.

I know I said it wouldn't be, and that my weeks go really fast... but seriously? My weeks have slowed down immensely. Like to a snail's pace! I go this Monday for my progesterone draw, and I'm not really looking forward to it, it's blood work, come on! I have recently discovered I'm a pessimist. I always think the very worst outcome, like in this instance my levels are going to be completely jacked up and not stable for carrying a child. Then come the following Monday (my pregnancy draw) I know the only bad outcome I can expect is a negative... which I'm honestly thinking WILL happen. Of course, after taking test after test after test, month after month after month, and they ALL come back negative what other result is there for me to expect? Hopefully IF it turns out to be a positive I won't freak out too much.

Who am I kidding?


Of COURSE I'll freak out. I actually think I might scream and jump up and down before realizing that maybe I shouldn't be jumping... *sigh* I'm still not excited yet. I'm just tired of waiting until the 23rd. I want to just fast forward to that day so that I can know for sure whether or not I have to repeat all of this again. Is that selfish? To want to know that? I really don't care either way... because if I have to repeat it all again I will. It would just be nice not to, ya know?

Wanna hear an amazing side effect?

I've been taking prenatal vitamins for awhile. I also have a terrible habit of biting my nails. Well... my niece painted them a few weeks ago and since then I have repainted them. If they're painted I don't bite them (nail polish tastes horrible)! Well... since I haven't been biting them my nails are SUPER long... almost to the annoying point and I want to bite them all off regardless of pretty polish. Almost. One thing that is really bothering me though, is that I can't type anything without making a typo. And if you know me you know my fetish for correct grammar, spelling, and punctuation. That's really the only downside to it though. That and borderline cutting myself if I have an itch to scratch. :) My husband rather likes the long nails (for obvious husband reasons). Who knows how long they'll survive though!

Progesterone.

All I can say is that I hope it's within the correct limits that the doctor wants it at. Other than that? Nothing else to report. See ya on the 23rd. :)

Today is the greatest...

I had my IUI this morning...

I was so nervous this morning. My husband's appointment was easy (according to him it wasn't, but whatever). My appointment was easy also, but nerve wracking. Mainly because I was there two hours before I actually had to be. My husband's appointment was scheduled at 8:30am and the actual IUI wasn't until 10:30am so we had plenty of time to kill once his appointment was over with. We went to breakfast, and then just walked around the hospital gift shop (which only killed an hour). After that we just went back up and waited the remaining hour and a half in the waiting room. It went by fast (for me) because I was reading parenting magazines and watching Dr. Phil... my husband wanted his ESPN (naturally).

About time!

Once we were (finally) called back the actual procedure took all of maybe two minutes. I was on the table, poke, in goes catheter, cramp, in goes sperm, done. Literally. Then I got to relax on the table for six whole minutes until I was allowed to move/get up. Let me tell you, that six minutes went by super fast. The doctor told me that I would probably experience a little bit of mild cramping, but other than that I'm free to go about my every day activities. I got set up with lab orders; one next Monday to test my progesterone level, and then one the following Monday (two weeks from today), for a pregnancy blood draw. Crazy, right?

 I'm not excited.

 Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited. The answer? No. Not really... I say "yes" because it IS supposed to be exciting... but I won't be excited until I see a positive pregnancy test. I don't want to get myself all worked up and then see a negative result. It would crush me. It's just so much easier for me to let others be excited instead. I know how badly I want this. It seems like everyone else wants it just as badly for me, so I'll let them bounce up and down while I wait patiently. Someone asked me if it was going to be the longest two weeks of my life. No... probably not. My weeks go by relatively quickly, so that's not going to bother me. What WILL bother me is how many people are going to ask me on that particular Monday if I'm pregnant or not. Well... maybe not. It depends on my mood. I also found out today that one of my favorite coworkers is two weeks pregnant! I AM excited for her. She had a dream a few weeks ago that me, her, and another girl we work with were all pregnant at the same time. :) I'd be a liar if I said I didn't want that to happen. :) Let's hope she's psychic! Hehe.

I don't feel crampy at all...

I honestly feel very good. There is a slight "tugging" sensation in my belly, but I'm assuming that's the "mild cramping" that the doctor told me about. I can't really explain it because it comes and goes and it isn't full blown cramps, so "tugging" is what comes to mind. That or like shaking a bowl of jello and watching it jiggle, only it's INSIDE? Yeah... not a good explanation, but it's all I've got.  My husband is so adorable. When I was leaving the house (I stopped off for a PB&J) he told me, "take care of my belly!" :) I'm really hoping this works the first time for him. I know he has his hopes up and I would hate for him to be heartbroken. The average success rate of IUI is only 10-20%, so we'll see. I am still crossing my fingers for twins as well. I've been watching all of those "Make room for Multiples" and "I didn't know I was pregnant" episodes on TLC. What? They're very educational. :) It drives my husband nuts, but I don't care. I do what I want. :) 

My shot.

I had to inject myself with my trigger shot on Saturday night. You should have seen me. It was hilarious, I'm sure. I got my shot ready at 10:25pm since I needed to take it at 10:30pm. I got myself all worked up for it and everything! Well, I went into my bathroom, shut and locked the door, and took the shot out of the package and tapped it with my finger to release the air bubbles (I felt like a nurse). I then pushed the plunger until a little drop of liquid came out of the needle signaling that it was ready to inject. I pinched my belly like I was shown, and brought the needle to my skin... and froze. Pulled the needle away, took a deep breath and told myself I could do this. I tried again. Pinch the belly, bring the needle up to skin... froze. At this point I was starting to get upset and started jumping up and down and being whiny. I opened the bathroom door and told my husband I didn't think I could do it. He told me he could do it for me so I handed him the needle and as soon as he said, "Okay, pinch your belly," I told him "NO! I can do it." and pushed him back out of the bathroom. ::shakes head:: After another minute or so he yelled, "some of us need to go to sleep!" Then I knew I better get a move on and just bite the bullet. I pinched my belly, and pressed the needle into my skin. I thought I messed it up because I didn't feel anything. So I pulled the needle back out and looked at it. Then I realized, "I didn't feel anything..." and just pushed the needle in and injected the medication. I then looked in the mirror and kind of laughed at myself at how stupid I was. I checked the clock afterward and found that all of that fuss and hesitation added up to seven minutes. So at 10:37pm I gave myself a shot. Such an awesome moment for me. You might be laughing at me (trust me, I am too), but I'm proud of myself. :)

Plus...

I'll know in two weeks if all of this worked.  Come on 10-20%! Let's do this!

This just got REAL...

Ultrasound appointment today!


If you've been following along (thanks!), then you know all about my PCOS, and follicles, and IR and all that other lovely stuff. You also know that I was put on a second, higher dosage of the Clomid to get a response out of my ovaries/follicles. Well... it worked. I went in for my ultrasound today just to see how my follicles were progressing and if I would be ready for my trigger shot or not. I've been crossing my fingers all week for a good result and it finally came. One of the follicles on my right ovary measured at 18mm today. The doctor told me they like for them to be in between 20mm and 25mm, but I should be there by tomorrow... And TOMORROW I take my trigger shot. Holy crap!

It's all moving so quickly!

I thought it was moving quickly before, but now I'm slightly overwhelmed. I mean, I want this. I know I'm ready for this, but now that it's within my reach I'm like... Holy crap. I had two follicles on my left ovary that were measuring at a good size as well, so three juicy follicles for this lady! I'm not too nervous about my shot. Surprising actually. But they told me that I should go ahead and take it tomorrow night at around 10:30pm. Then, since we did opt for the IUI, my husband has an appointment on Monday at 8:30am to provide a sample and my actual IUI appointment is at 10:30am. I need to call my boss and let her know, but I hate to bother her with all this (she's on vacation). I know she needs to be aware though that come Monday morning I'm not going to be at work. I mean... it's not like I can reschedule this appointment.

AGGHHHHH!!!! I'm so excited!!!

This means in a little over two weeks I might be pregnant. I'm hoping for a miracle and that it happens on the first go, but I'm going to be as realistic as possible about all of this as well. My body is a war zone, and my 60% miscarriage rate reminds me every day that just because I might get pregnant, doesn't mean I'll stay that way. I can't tell you I'll be overly emotional about it if I DO miscarry... seeing as I'm so well prepared for the possibility of it, but at the same time I don't know. I can't say that because I might just be devastated if it happens. I don't know. All of this just got really real. And I have a ton of things to think about. Main thing though? No stress. In fact, I'm going out with my sister-in-law tonight for a few cocktails. :)

Besides...I'll know in two weeks. 

I feel like I'm on fire.

Seriously.

I have felt horrendous this past week. And I blame it all on the Clomid and other baby making hormones surging throughout my body. Last Sunday I was sitting on the couch and out of nowhere I got this huge dizzy spell. I know that's a side effect of the Clomid, but I was not prepared for the whole room to just start warping around. My husband was like, "are you okay?" I told him I was, but the feeling was just crazy. It only lasted one or two minutes and it didn't happen again, but I was kind of shocked by it. I think my initial response was "Woahhhhhh!!!!" and I told my husband I felt like I was on a bad acid trip :)  (I have never done drugs and I have no idea what an acid trip feels like, but based on reactions in the movies I likened my dizzy spell to that). I finished my second round of Clomid on Monday, so I'm crossing my fingers for my ultrasound tomorrow that my follicles are ready to go! You can help out with this as well by crossing your own fingers! :)

I haven't been sleeping very well.

I blame this on the awful hot flashes I have been experiencing. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to regulate my body temperature at bedtime. I have tried showers before bed to stay cool, sleeping with a sheet, no covers at all, no clothes, hair up, hair down...nothing works. I burn. I feel like I'm on fire. I feel like my whole body is just dripping sweat (and it's not). These hot flashes don't just happen at night either. They happen All. Day. My coworker told me the other day, "I can always tell when you're having a hot flash because your cheeks get all rosy." Jeez.... thanks. My mom told me I should bring this up with my doctor, since he wants me to be getting a decent amount of sleep, and changing from blanket to no blanket every twenty minutes to an hour doesn't help the sleeping process. I've noticed that the hot flashes are worse while taking the Clomid, but I'm still having them now that I have finished taking it. I'm so frustrated! Can anyone tell me if the hot flashes are normal though?? My coworkers tell me they are and that it's mainly my hormones, but me, having never experienced anything like this... I have to wonder.  I also had a bout of nausea on Tuesday, but I blame my antibiotic from my sonogram on that one. I didn't take it with food and ended up wanting to vomit. Two of my coworkers sat me in the back break room with my feet up and cold towels on my forehead and neck. Then one of my other coworkers sent me out to get food for myself, which actually helped a lot.

I also had my first big mood swing yesterday. My husband told me we were going to watch the fireworks (Happy Late Fourth to ya'll) like we did last year. Well we went to my mother-in-law's house before hand and his whole family was there so I assumed we were all walking up together. His sister and her family all left to go up to the river at around 9:00pm (fireworks started at 10:00pm) and my niece asked if we were coming with them. I told her that we would probably walk up a little closer to ten. So around 9:40pm we still haven't left yet, so I asked my husband what we were doing. He says, "I'm just going to stay here." Now... I don't know why I got angry... but I did. Maybe because I was led to believe that I was going to the river and then he just flipped script on me? I don't know, but I was just pissed. So I left. Just kind of walked away from the house without really saying anything to anyone. I walked to the river and watched the fireworks with my sister-in-law. I also told her I was having a mood swing when I got there, but I cheered up almost instantly. My niece and nephews have that affect on me. Especially when talking about favorite fireworks and pokemon planets. :)

Nausea. Mood Swings. And Hot Flashes.
 Will all be worth it in the end.

Hysterosonogram...and more Clomid.

I had my sonohysterogram yesterday.

At least that's what THEY called it. According to the packet of paper it's called a "hysterosonogram." Bah, whatever, it doesn't matter. The point is that I had it done yesterday and let me tell you, I am SO glad my husband came with me. It wasn't "painful" so to speak, it was just irritating. I suppose though, I should tell you about how my day started... so then you get the full sense of how exactly I felt yesterday. In a word? Miserable. I woke up for work at 7:00am and was immediately in the bathroom with diarrhea (yes, diarrhea, not an "upset stomach," "tummy problems" or "issues," DIARRHEA!!!!!!). I was probably in the bathroom for forty five minutes. It was awful. I know what caused it though! I upped my Metformin dosage to three pills yesterday and one of the side effects is diarrhea. Case closed, but it made work an absolute nightmare. I'm surprised I got anything done in my half day at all. I was also having dizzy spells (a side effect from my antibiotic), and hot flashes. And of COURSE it had to be yesterday when all of this happened to me. I was trying to get a hold of my coworker to see if she could come in a few hours early so I could try and rehydrate myself (I believe I was dehydrated) and rest a little bit before my appointment at 2:30pm. That was a no-go. She never answers my texts or calls, so I just stuck it out like a champ until 1:00pm.

My husband is so cute. 

I met up with him at the house at about 1:10pm. I took an extremely hot shower in order to feel better, which worked. He took his shower, we got dressed, and then we headed out the door for the hospital. About halfway there I realized I had forgotten a pad. They told me there would be mild cramping with the test and that I might spot or bleed a little bit afterward and recommended bringing one along. Well, I forgot. I ALSO forgot to pop four Advil for the "pain" that was no doubt going to happen. They recommended that as well. Well, I forgot again. I have a relatively high pain tolerance so when the nurse asked me if I had taken the Advil and I told her no she said, "Oooooooh girrrrrrl!" while shaking her head like I was in for a mountain of pain. I just kind of shrugged it off and told her, "I'll be fine. I have a pretty high pain tolerance." They left me alone to get half naked and set up on the table and my cute husband just sat next to me the whole time in case I needed him. I didn't get to watch the procedure on the screen, but the way my husband described it: "It was like Mars in black and white." When they opened up my uterus and floated the saline bubbles through my tubes is the only time I felt anything relatively uncomfortable. It was irritating because it felt like a burning itch I could not scratch. I had to just lay there and take it. While that was happening I glanced over and my husband is just glued to the screen. I was glad he got to see what they were doing. He told me watching the bubbles go through my tubes was "Like fireworks coming through a black hole" or "Like rays of sunshine coming through clouds." :) He's adorable.

The whole procedure lasted ten minutes or so. 

It probably would have been a lot quicker had my doctor not had a student with him. So as he performed the procedure he explained every little thing he was doing to her, but it benefited me as well. They asked my permission if she could watch before hand, and I'm the kind of person that thinks "if it will help someone else learn about PCOS and infertility, by all means come on in." I'm really not that shy about my lady parts anymore. Apparently they like the camera because they're always ready to make an appearance rather easily. I can't tell you how thankful I am for THAT. Vaginal ultrasounds are awkward enough, but I can't imagine when they have to dig around to find your ovaries. ::shudders:: After the procedure my doctor told me everything looks fantastic. I have no blockages in either of my tubes and my uterus (yesterday) was facing the back, but looked perfect as well. He said that uteri tend to float around and move (didn't know that!) so since mine was facing my back he had to use more water to inflate it (I felt that) in order to see inside. He told me my follicles are still normal sized and there wasn't one that was really making the jump to be "the lead follicle" in egg release. So basically I didn't respond to the first round of Clomid. :(  However he suggested piggy backing with another stronger dose of Clomid. So now I'm taking three pills a day for five days (started yesterday) and then I go for another ultrasound on July 6th to look at them again. He said we're still relatively new into this and there are still a ton of options to explore. I'm just crossing my fingers I respond to the Clomid this time around. I ordered my trigger shot early, naively thinking I would be ready for it early. I need to monitor it closely because if it expires I'm screwed and it expires thirty days from the delivery date. So roughly July 12th. So here's to responding to the Clomid this time and having some juicy follicles!


 


        We are ready for this!

This is just crazy talk.

I could be pregnant in two weeks?

Well, roughly two weeks anyway. I'll know for certain in four weeks. I just think that's crazy. It hasn't really sunk in that it could happen for me in a matter of weeks. I mean, I think it is SLOWLY sinking in, hence the post, but really? Four weeks?  ::shakes head:: I don't think the reality has set in for my husband either. Of course I'm not really sure how he feels about everything happening this quickly. Especially when we tried for (it seems like) forever and are so used to tests coming back negative. Well here's to hoping for a positive outcome this time! ::cheers::

I'm not out of the woods.

I am fully aware that it may NOT happen this round. In fact, I'm actually expecting another negative result. It would just seem too easy if I got it on the first try. I'd be ecstatic, don't get me wrong, but I really don't think it will happen. I think I'd freak out if it did. In a good way, of course. Aside from the possibility of not being pregnant, if I AM pregnant after four weeks there's a strong possibility of miscarriage (for me). I think the doctor told me I have a 60% chance of miscarriage in the first 12 weeks. After that the percentage drastically decreases, but there is still a possibility of it. THIS scares me. THIS is what I'm the most worried about. I also will have to have a shot every week (ROGAM) so that my body doesn't treat the baby (or babies) like an infection and kill it (or them) that way. Guess that's what sucks about a negative blood type.

I know in the end this will all be worth it.

Nothing worth doing is ever easy. And I know my family is worth every scrap of effort I can produce. I am crossing my fingers for a one time go with the IUI, however unlikely it may be, and I know this blog will be the first thing I confide in aside from my husband. *sigh*

Here goes nothing.

Ultrasounds and Clomid!

I had another ultrasound today.

I'm also on day FOUR of my cycle, so you can imagine how awkward that was... but that was kind of the point of it. To make sure I had no cysts develop and that my ovaries and lining and all that jazz were looking good. Which they are! So I'm very excited to report that I will begin my Clomid today. :) This of course is pending the results of my in-office pregnancy blood draw. Obviously they don't want me taking fertility drugs if I'm already pregnant. But seeing as I am currently on my period I highly doubt I'm pregnant, but hey, stranger things have happened. The pictures were neat. That's one thing I didn't do last time I had an ultrasound. I didn't ask to see the pictures. Well today I did just because I was curious and stuff like that is always interesting to me. I got to see my newly shed lining as well. Haha. :) The only downside to a vaginal ultrasound while on your period... CRAMPS. Ugh. Sorry.

My ovaries are normal size.

I was kind of happy to hear this since I have PCOS and people with PCOS tend to have larger ovaries. So as I said before, I have every single PCOS symptom EXCEPT actual cysts and now except for large ovaries. You have no idea how much of a relief it is to hear your ovaries are "normal" when everything else about you is not. The other thing that I was told was that there were "plenty of eggs at the ready!" Now... I wish I would have said, "define 'plenty' to me" because how many eggs exactly does that mean? The only thing that really clicked was "more than one egg at once." Who flippin' cares though, I have eggs! :) And now I have Clomid to make more eggs! ::happy dance::

Everything is in super-sonic ultra drive!

I wouldn't have it any other way though. I start my Clomid tonight, my hysterosonogram is set up for Thursday (my husband is seeing if he can get off work to come with me), and then depending on the results of that and how big my follicles are will be when I shoot myself up with some Ovidrel. That sounds bad... depending on those results will be when they tell me when I can inject myself with my "trigger" medication. :) Much better. My husband and I have opted for the IUI. Well, in reality I opted for it and he's just kind of along for the ride. He told me it didn't matter to him so it was ultimately my decision anyway. But that also depends on the follicle size. I was on the fence for a long time about TI and IUI, but I finally posed the winning argument for IUI. My husband and I have been trying for three years to conceive a child "naturally" and it obviously has resulted in a negative outcome. It's a lot more FUN, no doubt... but if we were able to do this "naturally" we wouldn't be in this position to begin with. So I'm skipping the at-home attempt altogether and going straight at it, guns blazing. The way my body is responding to the medications, I don't think it could be a bad thing. And if we end up with a baby or two out of it who could argue?

Twins would be marvelous.

I think I've wanted twins since I started playing with baby dolls. My husband is even on board with twins (as long as one is a boy). People might think I'm crazy, and say ONE baby is hard, let alone two, but for me? Twins would be marvelous.

Joyful Noise.

I go to the gym at lunch.

I started going every Tuesday and Thursday just to walk for 40 minutes or so, and I LOVE it. There is never anyone there to stare at me since I'm in scrubs. Not to mention animal print scrubs so I look like a fat zebra on the treadmill. Bah. Well, today started out like any other Tuesday and I dragged myself into the gym because I really wasn't feeling it today. Super hot out. Hate hot weather. I know it's probably too much info, but I really had to pee! So I go into the bathroom and guess what...

I started my period!

I don't think I've ever been so excited to start my period in my life, but nevertheless, excited. The ironic part about this (and yes, there's an ironic part) is that I had just called my doctor's office to tell them I HADN'T started yet. I had taken my Provera like a good girl for ten days and typically, when taking it before I had started two days after completion. Well, when it hit the five day mark I was worried, so I called and said I hadn't started. Haha, day six. I should have waited just one more day. All that worry for no reason. Pfft. Keep in mind though this is the same medication I was taking every month to make my cycle start and it failed me for the last two months. I have no idea what was different this time around, but I'm happy it worked! Probably all of the other supplements and such.

So, communication with my doc's office:

I talked to the nurse after I left my super happy message about having a period today. She called me back about an hour later. The first thing she asked me was if I was "full flow" ? Uhm... really? No. No I'm not. So technically tomorrow would be considered day one. But let me get a little more TMI on you. I never cramp. The way I'm cramping I'll be full flow by the end of the night. Sorry. I know. Anyway... She set up my ultrasound for this Friday (June 22nd)... which I'm not sure why I need it, so I actually left another message for her to call me back. I hate that! I never have any questions when talking TO someone, but as soon as I hang up the phone I have five thousand.  Ugh. She ALSO scheduled my hysterosonogram (dun dun dun) for next  Thursday (June 27). I'm actually somewhat nervous about that one. It's probably going to be extremely uncomfortable and I'll be ALONE because my husband will be working. Can't wait to tell him that. Man, it's amazing how fast paced everything gets once you have a period. :) The nurse also joked around a little bit with me and said, "Well hopefully it's the last one you have for nine months!"

Me too, Miss Nurse. Me too.

More results, Work, and Exhaustion.

I got my other test results back.

The doctor wanted my thyroid and my prolactin level retested. And I am proud to say that my results came back "better than before!" :) So the nurse informed me, "no other lab work is needed at this time." I'm beyond happy! :) But it makes me wonder what my levels were this time. Maybe I'll call back and find out?

But then there's this other problem...

I'm TIRED. Exhausted without doing anything, tired and I don't know why. I left work an hour early yesterday because I was falling asleep sitting up. I was also done with all of my work and had partially prepped up until Tuesday so I was somewhat bored. But I've NEVER fallen asleep at work. I asked my office manager if I could go and it's just amazing how much support I have at work. Just knowing that I can talk to them about all of this is awesome. She understood completely and allowed me to go home. I ended up taking about an hour and a half nap, woke up and made dinner, went to bed at around 10:30pm or so and then ended up waking up at 3:30am and not being able to get back to sleep. :( I don't know if my medication is what's causing the insomnia, but I know there was a warning on ONE of them that it may.

Speaking of work...

One of my coworkers actually went through infertility treatments to get pregnant with her first child. When I told her that for the past week I just felt exhausted she told me that this was a GOOD thing. That was when she told me about her experience with this, and that she also has PCOS and was put on a lot of the same medication I am. She actually went to see one of the doctors in the same practice that I am. So now that I know that I feel like I'm super not alone in this journey and that I can go to her for advice since she's been through it. She told me that the tiredness is just my hormones getting back in gear. Well I hope she's right because this being tired thing sucks. I know it's nothing like when a baby (or two) will be here though, so I'm done complaining about it.

Until next time!

Shots, shots, shots, EVERYBODY!

Oh jeez...

I drive back and forth for my job. Quite a bit. I don't mind it though, in fact, I rather enjoy it. I work for two pediatricians and they each basically have their own offices. I mainly work at one location, but I drive back and forth if a patient chart I need happens to be at the other place and if they need something from our office I bring it to them. I also PREP all of the charts for the next day. Talk about busy! But I like it. So on my morning trip today I came back to my office and one of my coworkers says, "you have a package here!" I had to think about it for a minute. Why would I have a package come to me at work? Oh. Right. I forgot. My shot.

My shot is in the refrigerator. 

I haven't gone in the back room to find it either. I figure it can't get into too much trouble back there, and it's away from all of the vaccines so there's no chance of a mix-up. The information is still swimming around in my brain. MY SHOT IS HERE!!!! That just makes it more real. And for $97.53 it BETTER feel more real. That's more than a whole round of Kindergarten shots. Well, maybe half a round, but still. I can keep it refrigerated for up to 30 days before it expires, so I'm praying upon praying that I start my blasted period this month. My last day of the Provera is tomorrow so hopefully I start in the next couple of days. If I do start, I call my Endo on day one. If I DON'T start I still call my Endo and another round of blood work will more than likely follow or a stronger dose of the medication will be prescribed.

I just feel like screaming at myself.

Not a bad scream. Just more of a "COME ON SELF! WORK!" :) You would think that with as much as I'm paying out of pocket for the medications and stuff, that I would be dreading the majority of it, but I'm not. I'm even reconciled to giving myself my SHOT! Never thought I'd say that... I'm excited to give myself a shot. What is the world coming too...

Motherhood! I'm coming for you!

Quick Blood Work.

More blood work for me!
 
In an earlier post I mentioned that my doctor wanted to retest my thyroid and another one of my hormones (prolactin) at my earliest convenience. Well... today seemed pretty convenient to me. I drove up to the lab and got my vein stuck again. My poor vein! It was the same one as last time. It must hate me... *sigh*

I wasn't nervous.

In fact, I was relatively calm about the whole thing. The same woman who took my blood at my previous visit also too my blood today. She also REMEMBERED me which was fantastic. Of course, who could forget, I was a big mess of nervous last time. But anyway, this post will be fast since my blood work was fast. I went in, I immediately sat down, she stuck my vein, took two tubes of blood, done.

See? 

Quick, easy, and relatively painless to be honest. I think I'm becoming a pro! :) I just hope that the results are what he's wanting to see. I'm curious as to what my prolactin level was last time as well. I think I'll make a mental note to ask the nurse what the results were from last time compared to this time when she calls me...

Ode to Caribbean Queen.

I miss my father.

My dad passed away January 9, 2011. I am thankful every day that my dad was there when I married my husband. You see, he wanted us to wait a year, but after his first heart attack in 2009 I told him no. That I wanted him to be there when I got married. So, I didn't have a fancy wedding. I didn't have a big wedding. I married my husband at the Courthouse in our city. I saved money. I saved time. And my father was there. The only three things that mattered to me.

I didn't have the greatest relationship with my dad.

In fact, I made my father cry at least twice that I can remember. All of us inherited my dad's temper, which is a very bad thing. I however, inherited my mother's vocabulary and ability to bottle my emotions up until I explode. I'll never forget the day I really hurt my dad though. I was dating "some guy" at the time and I let him borrow my car with the agreement that we would meet at McDonald's at a designated time. I went with my friends, he borrowed my car and went with his, no big issue. I trusted him at the time and had no reason not to. Well, fast forward to the designated time and he's a no show. I went back to my friend's house all the while calling him repeatedly until eventually I gave up and just went home (around 3-4am). I woke my mom up and told her he had my car. My dad overheard and hit the ceiling right about the same time "some guy" showed up back at my house. My dad was so furious he would NOT stop yelling at "some guy" and they about had a fist fight on our front lawn. My mom and I are yelling at them both to STOP and eventually my dad stomped off back into the house, leaving an awkward me to take my "some guy" home. Well, he broke up with me on the way there. I was devastated. And at 18 years old it is NOT good to be devastated because devastated turns into my father's temper. I stomped into my father's room as soon as I returned home and just went into him. I yelled things at him like "Are you happy now? He broke up with me! Is that what you wanted?! You ruin everything!" My dad was so upset that he just started SOBBING. I remember feeling horrified. I remember thinking this is my dad. My big, tough, strong dad and I just reduced him to a sniveling toddler. I then, also started crying while trying to apologize to HIM while he's apologizing to me for "ruining my life." He ran out of the house sobbing. Literally ran. I sank down the wall and just cried, thinking what did I just do?!

I was also the only one of his children that could really do that to him though. I was also the only person he would ever apologize to and my father never apologized to anyone. That's just how he was built. He was hard on my brothers. Especially my oldest and youngest (my middle brother moved to Tennessee when he was three, but that's another story). There was one instance where my dad got so mad at my younger brother that he chased him into his bedroom and just pounded on the door. I just stared at my father like he was an animal. A wild animal. I yelled at him then too. First I yelled "DAD" and when he answered with a growly-screamy "WHAT!" I told him "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" And he did. Just dropped his fists, went into his room and shut the door. I remember shaking my head in disbelief like, what the hell? I need to make this clear. My father never beat us. Ever. He just had one helluva temper. My mom wasn't good at standing up to him when he went into a "rage" either, but I think that's why I was put into our family. Because I could. He started in one day to my mom and I couldn't even remember what it was about, but me and my smart mouth got the attention turned to me, and my father actually backed me into a wall. He didn't even look like himself. I remember that was the first time he raised his hand to me and I remember being dead calm as I said, "what? Are you going to hit me, dad? Do it." As soon as the words left my mouth it was like he came back into himself. He looked scared, like "what was I doing" scared. He just backed away, went into his room, and shut the door. My mom and brother were just starting at me. It's kind of funny how much I DO remember of my dad. Our relationship wasn't the greatest, but it WAS good. More good times than bad, but my dad was NOT a big communicator. He preferred to sit in his room, and watch TV and leave the rest of us to our own devices.

I learned valuable lessons from my father.

Love.Your.Family. Even at their worst, you still love them. And believe me, I've seen them at their worst. I adored my father. After his first heart attack in 2009 he was a completely different person. He had little to no temper, he was calm, he didn't get upset as easily. He was changed. I remember going up to the bedside to see him in the hospital and he looked at me and APOLOGIZED to me. I remember kind of scoffing and asking him WHY he was apologizing for having a heart attack? Like he could really stop his body from doing that? He just kind of shrugged and smiled, but I remember that. I think he realized that he took us for granted a little bit. Like he realized "this is my family, they love me, and aren't going anywhere." Once he got out of the hospital we started going to the gym together and having breakfast every other Sunday, and every third Saturday. Just to talk. The gym wasn't as regular for me as breakfast, but I actually got to KNOW my father. His favorite color was green. His favorite football team was the Chicago Bears. One of his all time favorite songs was "Caribbean Queen" and he loved anything by KISS, Kansas, and White Snake. Country music was a favorite. He could eat biscuits and gravy every day. He loved his dog. He loved his wife. He loved his kids. And he loved to bowl.
 
My father was a great bowler.

For as long as I can remember my parents have been bowling. My mom eventually got out of it, but my dad bowled two or three nights a week. I bowled with my dad when I was younger before getting into softball. So when I decided to stick with softball he taught my younger brother to bowl. My younger brother is pretty amazing. I remember the first time my brother bowled a 300. My dad was nearly in tears, he was so proud of him. I was proud of him. I remember thinking "this kid is amazing, I'm so glad he started doing this." My dad never bowled a 300, but he made such an impact in the bowling community that a fellow bowler put his first 300 ring in my father's coffin at the viewing. An honorary "300 club" member. I was so touched by that gesture, I don't think I'll ever forget it. My dad also taught my nephew to bowl. It's so adorable; he has the perfect form! My dad played such a huge roll in my nephew's life and he made SUCH an impact on him that he still asks my sister-in-law when they can go to Jesus' house to bowl with "papaw." My sister-in-law tells him now that when it thunderstorms the thunder is papaw bowling a strike up in heaven. I have never heard of that analogy before, but I love it.
 

I love my father.

One thing that is on my mind a lot, and upsets me more than anything is that the day my father passed was a Sunday and we were supposed to meet for breakfast. My mother knocked on my door at 4am to tell me he died and I was just in shock. We were supposed to have breakfast three hours later, there was no way he wasn't going to be there. But it was true. The diagnosis was Pulmonary Edema, but they said he had a heart attack in the ambulance as well.  I think about him every day. I'll hear a song on the radio and smile. Because like I said, way more good memories than bad. My father was good man. A GREAT man. And I did learn a lot from him. People say I look like him (I think I'm prettier though).

I miss him every day.

I'm constantly wondering what my dad would think about all of these tests and procedures I'm going to have done to me. What he would think about me, his only daughter who is petrified of medical needles, giving myself a shot in the belly once a month. Would he laugh about it? Would he shrug his shoulders indifferently? Would he disapprove of me going through all of this "trouble" just to have a child? Tell me it's a waste of time? I can't help but dwell on the fact that my children will never know him. I think about THAT every day. My oldest brother and his wife have two children. My nephew, who will be five in September, was only three when my dad passed. My niece, who is now one, will also never know my dad. My other older brother also has two children, neither of which will know my dad, and that's nearly too much to handle. He has four grandchildren and only got to touch one of their lives. It breaks my heart, but I know he's watching over all of us. I know he misses us probably as much as we miss him.



We'll be okay though. And so will he.
Happy Birthday, Dad. Love you.