Well folks, I think I'm close to breaking down.
I know it has been awhile, and I apologize for that, especially to my family members that follow me on here and like to keep tabs. I'm sorry. With Thanksgiving over with and Christmas rapidly approaching I feel my anxiety level creeping to an all time high. We cannot afford Christmas this year. We can barely buy for the 10 children in our lives, let alone six adults. My mom came up with the idea to give out my baked goodies, which honestly isn't that horrible of an idea, but that's a lot of pressure too! I would have to make sure every cupcake and holiday cookie is pristine and perfectly frosted. *sigh* I don't know, but I'll try it. I'm also not sure if it will "fall on deaf ears" so to speak and not be appreciated. :-/
I love Christmas... I really do...
But I feel like this Christmas is going to suck. I'm a big Bah Humbug this year and I honestly think it's because I miss my dad. I know I spent last Christmas without him... but I was sort of numb the whole first year. Now that I have time to process it... "oh hey, dad's not here" it really sucks. I shouldn't complain. A lot of other people have lost a parent and I know it's not something easily "gotten over," but this REALLY sucks. My grandma is also not going to be able to enjoy the holiday with us. She was diagnosed with ALS and has been progressing very quickly. She can't speak very well, she can't walk, or feed herself, and she has trouble chewing and swallowing. She was also diagnosed with pseudobulbar palsy which causes her to laugh or cry (and I mean SOB) uncontrollably for no reason. It's horrible to see her like this. She was so involved with LIFE. She went to festivals all summer, she was a member of many different city boards and festival boards, she traveled. She was just in Germany! And then from May to November she just... lost everything... I love her a lot. I grew closer to her over the summer (not last, but the one before it) when my husband painted a few things around her house for her. It was nice being able to talk to her and have her tell me things I never knew about her before. And now I feel like I didn't see her enough. I HATE nursing homes. My great grandma passed away in a nursing home and now my only living grandparent is going to pass in one as well. So sorry I'm a Bah Humbug.
The other thing that's been on my mind...
We're still not pregnant. We're taking a break for the months of November and December. I started my cycle yesterday, but it's SUPER light... which is weird, but I'm not worried. It'll pick up. It usually does. I started thinking about the whole "maybe I'm not supposed to have children" thing again. It really does just jump into my head when I'm depressed about something. But surprisingly? I'm getting to the point where that's okay. I'm an amazing aunt... and maybe that's good enough. *shrugs*
Sorry for the no update thing again...
Hopefully this wasn't too terrible for you to read.
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