This sucks.
I feel like it has been forever since I had my blood drawn. I think it has a lot to do with the Holiday weekend, in fact, I know it has to do with that. I'm so anxious to hear back from my doctor so I can start my Clomid. Add to that the fact that they may not even have my results until THURSDAY and I can't suppress the groan leaving my body. I wonder if anyone else out there is as antsy as I am?
On another note:
I've been reading a lot of blogs. Not just about infertility or motherhood, just blogs in general. I'm a big fan of going to blogging sites and clicking the "random post" button to see what pops up. Well, I did this last week and the first one that popped up had a title of "what do fertility doctor's do?" It wasn't an actual blog blog post, just kind of asking for information, so I started to read the comments thinking maybe I might get to see something that someone else has gone through and I could maybe prepare myself a little more. Instead all I saw was negativity and judgmental comments about how people who can't conceive a child should "just get over it and adopt already," or that "it's obviously God's will that maybe you shouldn't have children," and my favorite, "People who seek fertility treatments are selfish." Really? I was SO appalled by this, and I was really upset about it. I could not believe that there are people that could be so against the treatments that I'm preparing for. All so that I can have a family. To retaliate somewhat to those statements, I would not qualify to adopt a child. Adoption is more expensive than fertility treatments. There are home visits involved, they peek into your financial records, do background checks (we would pass), and it sometimes takes years and years for an adoption to finalize only for the birth mother to "change her mind" and decide to keep the child or come back three to six months later for a court battle. My husband and I talked about adoption. We are NOT selfish people. If wanting our own child to raise is selfish than I guess for the first time in my life I must be.
I'm not rich either.
Another common comment that I encountered was "if you people have thousands of dollars for treatments, more power to you." I don't. My husband and I are scraping by as it is, but because we have been trying for three years and aren't getting any younger we decided to take the next step in seeking help. Our insurance does not cover infertility treatments. We are prepared to pay out of pocket for this and do whatever we have to do to have a family. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and I'm sure there are plenty more out there, but don't berate someone trying to have a family when you know nothing about their circumstances or underlying medical conditions or just don't understand. It's like making fun of the kid with glasses or braces. It's just plain mean.
As for the "God's will" debate...
I believe God gave me a sign the day I
walked into that hospital. Here's why: My grandmother was having
surgery there. I was waiting with my aunt and mom to hear from the
doctor how she was progressing when I glanced over at the directory. Ya
know, that shiny little plaque on the wall that details the doctors and
what floor they're located on? Well, on the fourth floor, the first one
listed was "Reproductive Medicine." Same building. I told my mom I'd be
right back and set out on a quest for the fourth floor. When I got
there, I was able to make an appointment for TWO WEEKS later... the
receptionist told me that that "never happens." The doctor I'm seeing is
an expert in PCOS and Insulin Resistance. I feel like I was lead to see
this doctor at that time. It feels like someone up above was guiding me
to do this. Everyone is judgmental, myself included. It's in our nature. And before you argue that with me, God created us in his image, right? Well isn't God the one true judge? Humans judge without even realizing that they do it. I know I judge the drug addicts who shoot up heroine with their two year old in the room. I judge the women who are so messed up that every single one of their eight children was taken away by the courts and put into foster care because she was declared "unfit" and no one else in their equally messed up family would step up for them. I judge the men and women who beat their children, starve them, and murder them.
Now.
What makes them a better parent than me?
Monday, May 28, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Houston, we have a bleeder...
I hate medical needles.
I suppose I better get used to it though, right? I mean, how often do you think I'll be getting poked and prodded in the next few months? Day number one of poking and prodding started this morning at the rise and shine time of 7:30am. Well, at least I GOT there at 7:30am (7:15am to be exact). I was second in line so to speak since there were nine of us there as soon as they opened. I felt sort of bad for the woman opening since she was the only one there until about 8:00am. She took fifteen minutes with the first man, and then it was my turn. Now, I had been examining my lab work prior to entering and I counted one, two, three, etc, all the way up to fifteen. I had fifteen little X's marked on my paperwork. Fifteen tests?! Holy crap. How many viles of blood does that translate to? Well I'll tell you. Seven. So here I am starting to have a mini panic attack, because they're taking ALL OF MY BLOOD OUT! (Not really). I was actually already freaking out because there were needles involved. I don't know what my fear of needles stems from... a healthy does of numbing agent when I got stitches as a child perhaps? Makes sense to me, so we'll go with that. Plus, the idea of a foreign object entering into my vein does not appeal to my better nature either.
Deep breathing and relaxation.
This is not by any means the first time I've had blood taken for testing. However, this IS the greatest amount of testing that I've had done with my blood. The last time I had blood taken I threw up. As embarrassing as it is for me to admit, I was so queasy that I actually had to tell the phlebotomist to stop taking my blood so I could vomit. Add to the fact that my husband was there (then fiance) and an unknown number of strangers in the waiting room and my face was both red and pale at the same time. So this time I made sure to tell her "I threw up last time." Embarrassing. Still to this day. ::shakes head:: She told me then, that I would get to sit in 'the recliner' in the room at the end of the hallway so that I was more relaxed. I was beyond happy with that. She left me in there with some water while she set things up, so about another five minutes. I propped my little feet up in the recliner and leaned all the way back in the chair while she put the tourniquet around my left arm. In the past they used a single vein in my right arm. I can point it out to you on command since it's a very nice vein. So when she started on my left arm my anxiety sparked back up a little bit. I have "rolly" veins, and by no means do they like to be stabbed with needles, but she found a usable vein in the crook of my left arm. I made myself relax as well as I could since I remembered my doctor telling me that when I'm stressed out my insulin level spikes... crazy right? So RELAXING was a must.
Polite conversation.
I watched her put the needle to my skin and took a deep breath. She said "little poke" while the needle went into my vein. Blood immediately started to fill the vile and I looked away. I just continued to breath, watch the clock, and make polite conversation with her. I told her about trying to get a hold of someone at my office to tell them I would be late, but no one answered. We talked a little about the testing, and how long it would take to get results (with the holiday weekend, no later than Thursday). I also reminded myself I need to call and get my husband set up for his testing. All the while I'm counting the clicks of different viles being snapped into place while the needle remains pressed into my vein. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt, because this time it actually did. And it STILL does. There's a tiny blue bruise around the puncture wound and a hole from where the needle went in. But ya know what? I didn't die. When she told me I was done I was kind of surprised at how quickly it went. I couldn't remember it being over that fast before, but in the past I threw up and passed out, so for me to remain awake and calm this time was kind of impressive. :) She did have me hold a cotton ball down on the wound because I was still bleeding. And I bled for another twenty minutes after that! Talk about a bleeder...
Bloody Hell.
When she laid out all of the blood viles on the counter I was kind of surprised. My blood is dark red. Almost purple. I've never really paid attention to my blood when I cut myself shaving or when I skinned my knee as a kid, but I remember seeing other people's blood and it being nowhere near as dark. For as long as I can remember I've thought my blood type is AB-. If it IS I really need to start donating blood since AB- is the rarest blood type in the united states. One of the tests they are doing is a blood typing test so I will know 100% if I am AB- or not. Someone asked me this morning, "you don't know what your blood type is?!" And I had to smile and tell her my reasoning, like I'm about to tell you. My mother and younger brother are both A+. My father and two older brother are B+. I am AB-. How can all those positive people make a negative? Makes you wonder doesn't it? I know a little bit about genetics, and when I say "a little bit" I really do only know a miniscule amount about it, but what I do know is that you can get recessive traits passed down the line. If the negative side is from a grandparent, or great grandparent then it's entirely possible I have their blood type. My aunt has a negative blood type, so I know it's possible. It's just interesting to me. I think I'm actually more excited to know my blood type then my progesterone and testosterone levels. I'm excited about all of it, don't get me wrong, but knowing my blood type 100% will make it nice for when I want to donate some. I plan on donating at least once in my lifetime.
What's in store now?
I'm secretly hoping my doctor gets my blood test results back BEFORE Thursday. When she told me with the holiday weekend it would be by Thursday I was a little disappointed. So I'm definitely crossing my fingers for earlier. Once he receives the results the office will call me and tell me on which day to start taking my Clomid. Two pills every day for five days. Then one day between six and twelve I will have a hysterosonogram done. That's when they take a catheter and use it to fill my uterus up with water. They then insert a dye and watch all the little dye bubbles float through my tubes and uterus to make sure there are no blockages or other underlying issues that can't be seen with a regular ultrasound or vaginal ultrasound. They prescribed an antibiotic for me to take when that happens. I need to take it the day before the procedure and then for the next twelve days to prevent infection. They said it's extremely rare to develop an infection, but they take all of the precautions just in case. I also need to contact my insurance again, because when I went to fill my prescription for my ovidrell shot my insurance refused to let the pharmacy fill it. The pharmacy was told that I needed to go to a "specialty pharmacy" to get it filled. Well... I can just order it through the hospital too, so I'll still contact them to make sure I can do that. I need to contact them anyway to double check that they'll cover my lab work that I already did... they said that as long as the code says FERTILITY TESTING and not INfertility testing that they would cover it... but you know how insurance is.
*sigh*
Insurance is ridiculous.
I suppose I better get used to it though, right? I mean, how often do you think I'll be getting poked and prodded in the next few months? Day number one of poking and prodding started this morning at the rise and shine time of 7:30am. Well, at least I GOT there at 7:30am (7:15am to be exact). I was second in line so to speak since there were nine of us there as soon as they opened. I felt sort of bad for the woman opening since she was the only one there until about 8:00am. She took fifteen minutes with the first man, and then it was my turn. Now, I had been examining my lab work prior to entering and I counted one, two, three, etc, all the way up to fifteen. I had fifteen little X's marked on my paperwork. Fifteen tests?! Holy crap. How many viles of blood does that translate to? Well I'll tell you. Seven. So here I am starting to have a mini panic attack, because they're taking ALL OF MY BLOOD OUT! (Not really). I was actually already freaking out because there were needles involved. I don't know what my fear of needles stems from... a healthy does of numbing agent when I got stitches as a child perhaps? Makes sense to me, so we'll go with that. Plus, the idea of a foreign object entering into my vein does not appeal to my better nature either.
Deep breathing and relaxation.
This is not by any means the first time I've had blood taken for testing. However, this IS the greatest amount of testing that I've had done with my blood. The last time I had blood taken I threw up. As embarrassing as it is for me to admit, I was so queasy that I actually had to tell the phlebotomist to stop taking my blood so I could vomit. Add to the fact that my husband was there (then fiance) and an unknown number of strangers in the waiting room and my face was both red and pale at the same time. So this time I made sure to tell her "I threw up last time." Embarrassing. Still to this day. ::shakes head:: She told me then, that I would get to sit in 'the recliner' in the room at the end of the hallway so that I was more relaxed. I was beyond happy with that. She left me in there with some water while she set things up, so about another five minutes. I propped my little feet up in the recliner and leaned all the way back in the chair while she put the tourniquet around my left arm. In the past they used a single vein in my right arm. I can point it out to you on command since it's a very nice vein. So when she started on my left arm my anxiety sparked back up a little bit. I have "rolly" veins, and by no means do they like to be stabbed with needles, but she found a usable vein in the crook of my left arm. I made myself relax as well as I could since I remembered my doctor telling me that when I'm stressed out my insulin level spikes... crazy right? So RELAXING was a must.
Polite conversation.
I watched her put the needle to my skin and took a deep breath. She said "little poke" while the needle went into my vein. Blood immediately started to fill the vile and I looked away. I just continued to breath, watch the clock, and make polite conversation with her. I told her about trying to get a hold of someone at my office to tell them I would be late, but no one answered. We talked a little about the testing, and how long it would take to get results (with the holiday weekend, no later than Thursday). I also reminded myself I need to call and get my husband set up for his testing. All the while I'm counting the clicks of different viles being snapped into place while the needle remains pressed into my vein. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt, because this time it actually did. And it STILL does. There's a tiny blue bruise around the puncture wound and a hole from where the needle went in. But ya know what? I didn't die. When she told me I was done I was kind of surprised at how quickly it went. I couldn't remember it being over that fast before, but in the past I threw up and passed out, so for me to remain awake and calm this time was kind of impressive. :) She did have me hold a cotton ball down on the wound because I was still bleeding. And I bled for another twenty minutes after that! Talk about a bleeder...
Bloody Hell.
When she laid out all of the blood viles on the counter I was kind of surprised. My blood is dark red. Almost purple. I've never really paid attention to my blood when I cut myself shaving or when I skinned my knee as a kid, but I remember seeing other people's blood and it being nowhere near as dark. For as long as I can remember I've thought my blood type is AB-. If it IS I really need to start donating blood since AB- is the rarest blood type in the united states. One of the tests they are doing is a blood typing test so I will know 100% if I am AB- or not. Someone asked me this morning, "you don't know what your blood type is?!" And I had to smile and tell her my reasoning, like I'm about to tell you. My mother and younger brother are both A+. My father and two older brother are B+. I am AB-. How can all those positive people make a negative? Makes you wonder doesn't it? I know a little bit about genetics, and when I say "a little bit" I really do only know a miniscule amount about it, but what I do know is that you can get recessive traits passed down the line. If the negative side is from a grandparent, or great grandparent then it's entirely possible I have their blood type. My aunt has a negative blood type, so I know it's possible. It's just interesting to me. I think I'm actually more excited to know my blood type then my progesterone and testosterone levels. I'm excited about all of it, don't get me wrong, but knowing my blood type 100% will make it nice for when I want to donate some. I plan on donating at least once in my lifetime.
What's in store now?
I'm secretly hoping my doctor gets my blood test results back BEFORE Thursday. When she told me with the holiday weekend it would be by Thursday I was a little disappointed. So I'm definitely crossing my fingers for earlier. Once he receives the results the office will call me and tell me on which day to start taking my Clomid. Two pills every day for five days. Then one day between six and twelve I will have a hysterosonogram done. That's when they take a catheter and use it to fill my uterus up with water. They then insert a dye and watch all the little dye bubbles float through my tubes and uterus to make sure there are no blockages or other underlying issues that can't be seen with a regular ultrasound or vaginal ultrasound. They prescribed an antibiotic for me to take when that happens. I need to take it the day before the procedure and then for the next twelve days to prevent infection. They said it's extremely rare to develop an infection, but they take all of the precautions just in case. I also need to contact my insurance again, because when I went to fill my prescription for my ovidrell shot my insurance refused to let the pharmacy fill it. The pharmacy was told that I needed to go to a "specialty pharmacy" to get it filled. Well... I can just order it through the hospital too, so I'll still contact them to make sure I can do that. I need to contact them anyway to double check that they'll cover my lab work that I already did... they said that as long as the code says FERTILITY TESTING and not INfertility testing that they would cover it... but you know how insurance is.
*sigh*
Insurance is ridiculous.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Today is the day!
Today is the day.
I went to my doctor's appointment today. It was a pretty crazy adventure and I must say I am 100% impressed with my endocrinologist. We arrived for our 1:45pm appointment at 1:23pm. We waited maybe ten minutes before I went back to get my weight and blood pressure. My blood pressure was, for me, normal (my top number always runs a little high) and according to the scale I lost two pounds since last week! GO ME! :) That means I weigh 296 pounds for those keeping track. Approximately five minutes after that the doctor came out personally and took us to his office for consultation. He reviewed our medical histories as well as he could. My OBGYN never sent over my records. I cannot begin to tell you how irritated I am by that. I dropped off the release personally instead of faxing it and I told them "I have an appointment in two weeks" so that they would get it sent over. I don't want to think my OB is a complete douche... but I'm starting to lean that way. Anyway! My endocrinologist also talked to my husband about repeating a semen analysis to get an accurate count. He also reviewed some vitamins and supplements that we should try taking. My husband has a hard time swallowing pills so he recommended a certain one that's relatively smaller and would benefit us both. I must say I'm very proud of my husband. Not only is he taking this journey with me (as all good husbands should), he has also quit smoking. According to the doctor that should help out significantly in upping sperm count and motility.
Then came the fun part.
Me. I have PCOS. I'm also Insulin Resistant. The doctor drew a whole diagram of how my body functions with these two particular things. Everything is related. Because of the PCOS my testosterone levels are elevated. IR also contributes to high testosterone levels as well as my LH levels. My LH levels affect my testosterone levels and my testosterone levels in turn also affect my insulin and LH levels. So basically it is one giant circle, and it's hard to understand without being shown the handy dandy diagram my doctor drew, but the important thing is that I understand it. To help my insulin levels I need to eat at least 80 grams of protein a day, and about 120 grams of carbohydrates. I need to split this up equally throughout the day, limit sugary drinks (no problem there), and limit white starches (pasta, rice, etc). He made it a very important point to say LIMIT and not ELIMINATE. I'm already doing the right thing when it comes to exercising so he wasn't too concerned. He was more concerned about the affects of the PCOS and IR on my body. He said that when I eat, my blood sugar goes up and in turn my insulin level ALSO goes up. So basically when I'm already running on the right amount of energy, my insulin spikes and says "oh well, I don't need this energy I'll store it for later!" and it turns into body fat. Hence... the difficulty in losing weight. In short. I'm one big mess, but now I know WHY. My OB never explained any of this to me.
More fun stuff!
My OB also never directed to me how to take the medications that I was on (Metformin). When I was first diagnosed he said, "here's a prescription for Metformin. Take two pills a day." and that was the end of it. My ENDO says, "here's a prescription for Metformin. Take one pill at your evening meal for the first week. Then take two pills the second week, then three the third, and then the fourth week take four and stay at the four pills. If you experience any GI discomfort, like nausea or diarrhea, cut back down to a smaller dose. There is no rush!" Now... WHY didn't my OB say this to me?? Oh jeez...probably will end up switching to someone who actually gives a damn. But seriously, back to subject, I also have prescriptions for Clomid, a prenatal vitamin, a hormone blasting shot to make me ovulate MORE... but they tell me when to take that, and some other medications I have no idea what they're called. I go for blood work to check my progesterone levels, LH hormone, testosterone levels, thyroid, and insulin tomorrow. They're also running a pregnancy test just in case, they've seen some crazy things in their time. So lots of busy for me in the upcoming months. I have to get that done before work tomorrow so it's early to bed; early to rise for this one. My husband's semen analysis needs to be scheduled so we're hoping to get in Saturday for that. I'm sure I'll have an update for you tomorrow seeing as I absolutely despise medical needles...
Ultrasounds?
I have had a vaginal ultrasound before, but I was not prepared for one on the spot! Needless to say, that's part of my endo's impressiveness. He jumped right into helping us, when he could have said "I'll just wait for labwork, analysis, etc." I was lead into an exam room by the nurse who gave me all of my prescriptions and she gave me a minute to collect myself, get ready, and then she proceeded with the vaginal ultrasound. I got to see my uterus and ovaries. She told me I'm definitely polycystic as she then showed me all of the follicles on my ovaries. I have ten on my left and too many to count on my right, but no cysts! Lucky me. Interesting fact, my uterus also tilts to the right. This was actually a pretty cool part of the visit, probe aside. I just enjoyed LEARNING everything that's going to be happening. I'm also sort of relieved that everything is happening somewhat fast, it lets me know that this guy actually gives a damn and WANTS to help us. He told us at the beginning of consult that a couple's chances of conception start at 40-30% per month. As the year progresses the chances get less and less. He said that by the end of year one of trying you're down to a 1% chance, but that is NOT ZERO.
Did I mention how impressed we were with our endo? :)
I went to my doctor's appointment today. It was a pretty crazy adventure and I must say I am 100% impressed with my endocrinologist. We arrived for our 1:45pm appointment at 1:23pm. We waited maybe ten minutes before I went back to get my weight and blood pressure. My blood pressure was, for me, normal (my top number always runs a little high) and according to the scale I lost two pounds since last week! GO ME! :) That means I weigh 296 pounds for those keeping track. Approximately five minutes after that the doctor came out personally and took us to his office for consultation. He reviewed our medical histories as well as he could. My OBGYN never sent over my records. I cannot begin to tell you how irritated I am by that. I dropped off the release personally instead of faxing it and I told them "I have an appointment in two weeks" so that they would get it sent over. I don't want to think my OB is a complete douche... but I'm starting to lean that way. Anyway! My endocrinologist also talked to my husband about repeating a semen analysis to get an accurate count. He also reviewed some vitamins and supplements that we should try taking. My husband has a hard time swallowing pills so he recommended a certain one that's relatively smaller and would benefit us both. I must say I'm very proud of my husband. Not only is he taking this journey with me (as all good husbands should), he has also quit smoking. According to the doctor that should help out significantly in upping sperm count and motility.
Then came the fun part.
Me. I have PCOS. I'm also Insulin Resistant. The doctor drew a whole diagram of how my body functions with these two particular things. Everything is related. Because of the PCOS my testosterone levels are elevated. IR also contributes to high testosterone levels as well as my LH levels. My LH levels affect my testosterone levels and my testosterone levels in turn also affect my insulin and LH levels. So basically it is one giant circle, and it's hard to understand without being shown the handy dandy diagram my doctor drew, but the important thing is that I understand it. To help my insulin levels I need to eat at least 80 grams of protein a day, and about 120 grams of carbohydrates. I need to split this up equally throughout the day, limit sugary drinks (no problem there), and limit white starches (pasta, rice, etc). He made it a very important point to say LIMIT and not ELIMINATE. I'm already doing the right thing when it comes to exercising so he wasn't too concerned. He was more concerned about the affects of the PCOS and IR on my body. He said that when I eat, my blood sugar goes up and in turn my insulin level ALSO goes up. So basically when I'm already running on the right amount of energy, my insulin spikes and says "oh well, I don't need this energy I'll store it for later!" and it turns into body fat. Hence... the difficulty in losing weight. In short. I'm one big mess, but now I know WHY. My OB never explained any of this to me.
More fun stuff!
My OB also never directed to me how to take the medications that I was on (Metformin). When I was first diagnosed he said, "here's a prescription for Metformin. Take two pills a day." and that was the end of it. My ENDO says, "here's a prescription for Metformin. Take one pill at your evening meal for the first week. Then take two pills the second week, then three the third, and then the fourth week take four and stay at the four pills. If you experience any GI discomfort, like nausea or diarrhea, cut back down to a smaller dose. There is no rush!" Now... WHY didn't my OB say this to me?? Oh jeez...probably will end up switching to someone who actually gives a damn. But seriously, back to subject, I also have prescriptions for Clomid, a prenatal vitamin, a hormone blasting shot to make me ovulate MORE... but they tell me when to take that, and some other medications I have no idea what they're called. I go for blood work to check my progesterone levels, LH hormone, testosterone levels, thyroid, and insulin tomorrow. They're also running a pregnancy test just in case, they've seen some crazy things in their time. So lots of busy for me in the upcoming months. I have to get that done before work tomorrow so it's early to bed; early to rise for this one. My husband's semen analysis needs to be scheduled so we're hoping to get in Saturday for that. I'm sure I'll have an update for you tomorrow seeing as I absolutely despise medical needles...
Ultrasounds?
I have had a vaginal ultrasound before, but I was not prepared for one on the spot! Needless to say, that's part of my endo's impressiveness. He jumped right into helping us, when he could have said "I'll just wait for labwork, analysis, etc." I was lead into an exam room by the nurse who gave me all of my prescriptions and she gave me a minute to collect myself, get ready, and then she proceeded with the vaginal ultrasound. I got to see my uterus and ovaries. She told me I'm definitely polycystic as she then showed me all of the follicles on my ovaries. I have ten on my left and too many to count on my right, but no cysts! Lucky me. Interesting fact, my uterus also tilts to the right. This was actually a pretty cool part of the visit, probe aside. I just enjoyed LEARNING everything that's going to be happening. I'm also sort of relieved that everything is happening somewhat fast, it lets me know that this guy actually gives a damn and WANTS to help us. He told us at the beginning of consult that a couple's chances of conception start at 40-30% per month. As the year progresses the chances get less and less. He said that by the end of year one of trying you're down to a 1% chance, but that is NOT ZERO.
Did I mention how impressed we were with our endo? :)
Saturday, May 19, 2012
New and Improved!
I'm not overweight.
I figure as long as I'm throwing myself to the wolves with my infertility journey I might as well be completely honest about everything. At five feet, seven inches tall I weigh 298 pounds. My "healthy" weight to height ratio states that I should weigh between 140-150 pounds and that my current BMI level is around 48. That's obese, not just overweight. I know it's my fault. I make excuses for myself constantly about why I can't work out or eat right and I tell people "I'm just a little overweight" or "I can lose a few pounds, no problem." Well... I'm not entirely sure that's working for me seeing as I've been "overweight" my whole life. My OBGYN told me when he diagnosed me with PCOS that I would have a hard time losing weight and an easy time gaining it. Well, in almost ten years I've gone from a size 18 to a size 22 and some people would say "that's not a horrbile gain!" but when you're me, and you have other problems, being obese does not help you to conceive a child. People can't believe I weigh almost 300 pounds when I tell them because I carry my weight so well. It feels good for them to argue with me, but I'm tired of skirting the issue. I can't remember being smaller than a size 18. Even in junior high...
I'm making a change.
Yesterday I started P90X. I know it's extreme, but I feel BETTER after doing a workout. I'm only on day two of the "lean" routine and I have so much more energy! I feel like I can conquer the world. I also started a "diet." I hate the word "diet." I feel like the word diet is used wrong in our society. I think that what you eat on a regular basis is your diet, not something you "go on" to lose weight. It bothers me when people tell me "I'm on a diet" because... what do you eat the rest of the time?! So scratch that, I'm not "going on a diet," I'm changing my lifestyle in the kitchen. In the book I'm reading that my endocrinologist wrote, he says that for my height I should be getting 97g of protein and 97g of carbohydrates which, if I stick to, the weight should drop with exercise. It's an even split. I also did VERY well yesterday. My mother took my brother and I to Applebee's yesterday, and while I waited on them to arrive at the restaurant I made the decision that I was going to beat myself at my own game. I ordered the 7oz. sirloin. Normally, that would come with the seasonal vegetable (broccoli this time! YUM!) and garlic mashed potatoes. I thought about this long and hard because I am a HUGE potato fan, but potatoes can hurt you... especially me with all their starchy goodness and glory. I ended up substituting the potatoes for a side salad and I shaved off 70 calories from my meal making it under 500 calories. I had extra veggies, which is GOOD, but that's not the best part! I didn't miss the potatoes. I thought I would, and I think I WANTED to miss them in order to give myself an excuse to go home and eat like crap, but I didn't. I was actually full... almost to the point of being "stuffed" and I was proud of myself for this. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love potatoes and starchy food so while this may seem small to most of you, it's a big deal for me. It lets me know that I might not fail this time.
I will succeed!
I figure as long as I'm throwing myself to the wolves with my infertility journey I might as well be completely honest about everything. At five feet, seven inches tall I weigh 298 pounds. My "healthy" weight to height ratio states that I should weigh between 140-150 pounds and that my current BMI level is around 48. That's obese, not just overweight. I know it's my fault. I make excuses for myself constantly about why I can't work out or eat right and I tell people "I'm just a little overweight" or "I can lose a few pounds, no problem." Well... I'm not entirely sure that's working for me seeing as I've been "overweight" my whole life. My OBGYN told me when he diagnosed me with PCOS that I would have a hard time losing weight and an easy time gaining it. Well, in almost ten years I've gone from a size 18 to a size 22 and some people would say "that's not a horrbile gain!" but when you're me, and you have other problems, being obese does not help you to conceive a child. People can't believe I weigh almost 300 pounds when I tell them because I carry my weight so well. It feels good for them to argue with me, but I'm tired of skirting the issue. I can't remember being smaller than a size 18. Even in junior high...
I'm making a change.
Yesterday I started P90X. I know it's extreme, but I feel BETTER after doing a workout. I'm only on day two of the "lean" routine and I have so much more energy! I feel like I can conquer the world. I also started a "diet." I hate the word "diet." I feel like the word diet is used wrong in our society. I think that what you eat on a regular basis is your diet, not something you "go on" to lose weight. It bothers me when people tell me "I'm on a diet" because... what do you eat the rest of the time?! So scratch that, I'm not "going on a diet," I'm changing my lifestyle in the kitchen. In the book I'm reading that my endocrinologist wrote, he says that for my height I should be getting 97g of protein and 97g of carbohydrates which, if I stick to, the weight should drop with exercise. It's an even split. I also did VERY well yesterday. My mother took my brother and I to Applebee's yesterday, and while I waited on them to arrive at the restaurant I made the decision that I was going to beat myself at my own game. I ordered the 7oz. sirloin. Normally, that would come with the seasonal vegetable (broccoli this time! YUM!) and garlic mashed potatoes. I thought about this long and hard because I am a HUGE potato fan, but potatoes can hurt you... especially me with all their starchy goodness and glory. I ended up substituting the potatoes for a side salad and I shaved off 70 calories from my meal making it under 500 calories. I had extra veggies, which is GOOD, but that's not the best part! I didn't miss the potatoes. I thought I would, and I think I WANTED to miss them in order to give myself an excuse to go home and eat like crap, but I didn't. I was actually full... almost to the point of being "stuffed" and I was proud of myself for this. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love potatoes and starchy food so while this may seem small to most of you, it's a big deal for me. It lets me know that I might not fail this time.
I will succeed!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Egg Donation?
I've been reading a lot lately.
I plan on becoming as knowledgeable as possible about the procedures I may have to go through. One of these procedures is egg donation. And this is probably a last resort type of procedure, but I am quite intrigued by the idea of it. My husband and I would, for all intents and purposes, flip through a binder full of anonymous women willing to donate one of their eggs to our cause. It breaks my heart into thousands of happy pieces knowing that there are women out there unselfish enough to donate their eggs to infertile couples.
Reading up on this further,
Once we would choose a donor, they would contact her and then set up an appointment for egg retrieval. I would then go through my own type of preparation with birth control for 14-28 days followed by a series of injections of medications like Lupron, Estradiol, and Progesterone ranging from twice weekly to twice daily all the way up until egg retrieval. Upon the day of the retrieval they would let us know how many eggs were retrieved from the donor and then my husband would provide a semen sample for fertilization. The average success rate of fertilization is 70% with this method. 70% is more than I could ask for. Fertilized embryos are transferred on the fifth day after egg retrieval. They would transfer two embryos and the remaining embryos would be crypreserved. I would take a pregnancy test ten days later to confirm or deny pregnancy. If I were to test positively they would monitor me for the first twelve weeks before transferring my care to my OBGYN. If I test negatively I would have a follow up appointment in two weeks.
You would think I would be scared of this...
Most people I talk to can't believe I would even consider this. My thinking was that my child would probably stand a better chance without my genetics anyway, and the baby would still be my husband's so why not? There are SO many options out there and this is just one of them that could be an option for us. I feel like I'm one step closer to my dream with every piece of information I absorb. I just tell myself "one day at a time" and we'll get there.
We will be parents.
I plan on becoming as knowledgeable as possible about the procedures I may have to go through. One of these procedures is egg donation. And this is probably a last resort type of procedure, but I am quite intrigued by the idea of it. My husband and I would, for all intents and purposes, flip through a binder full of anonymous women willing to donate one of their eggs to our cause. It breaks my heart into thousands of happy pieces knowing that there are women out there unselfish enough to donate their eggs to infertile couples.
Reading up on this further,
Once we would choose a donor, they would contact her and then set up an appointment for egg retrieval. I would then go through my own type of preparation with birth control for 14-28 days followed by a series of injections of medications like Lupron, Estradiol, and Progesterone ranging from twice weekly to twice daily all the way up until egg retrieval. Upon the day of the retrieval they would let us know how many eggs were retrieved from the donor and then my husband would provide a semen sample for fertilization. The average success rate of fertilization is 70% with this method. 70% is more than I could ask for. Fertilized embryos are transferred on the fifth day after egg retrieval. They would transfer two embryos and the remaining embryos would be crypreserved. I would take a pregnancy test ten days later to confirm or deny pregnancy. If I were to test positively they would monitor me for the first twelve weeks before transferring my care to my OBGYN. If I test negatively I would have a follow up appointment in two weeks.
You would think I would be scared of this...
Most people I talk to can't believe I would even consider this. My thinking was that my child would probably stand a better chance without my genetics anyway, and the baby would still be my husband's so why not? There are SO many options out there and this is just one of them that could be an option for us. I feel like I'm one step closer to my dream with every piece of information I absorb. I just tell myself "one day at a time" and we'll get there.
We will be parents.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Here goes nothing...
I am not a mother.
I am a fighter.
My only true goal in life is to become a mother. It's true, I swear. There are pictures of me as a two year old child carting around multiple baby dolls named Lucy, Graham, Brittany, and Charity. There are pictures of me as a three year old child feeding my newborn brother a bottle while supporting his head the correct way.
I'm not here to tell you about pictures.
I'm here to tell you my story.
At sixteen years old, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and as a result, insulin resistance. Kind of like a "side effect" isn't it? Approximately five to ten percent of women of childbearing age have this disease. Of those five to ten percent, half of them don't even know that they have it. Luckily for me, I was diagnosed at sixteen. I don't want to say it was a rash decision on my doctor's part, but I was diagnosed rather quickly and without hesitation. You see, I'm overweight, another common "side effect" of PCOS. The majority of women with PCOS are, however, overweight. I also have excess hair growth on my arms, back, and face. No brainer for the doctor, I had to have PCOS! The only symptom I did NOT have was an actual cyst on my ovary. I was never told by my doctor WHAT exactly PCOS was, so me, being scared out of my mind that something was "wrong" with me decided to do the one thing that I probably shouldn't have done. Ignore it. I went home and did little to no research on PCOS and I didn't care to. My friends thought it was some kind of "STD" so eventually I stopped confiding in them and started forgetting about my diagnosis altogether. My doctor put me on birth control to regulate my periods and stop the excess hair growth and it worked! I stayed on birth control until the age of twenty-two, when my husband and I decided to expand our family.
I'm not upset with my doctor for not educating me.
I'm upset with myself.
As soon as I went off of the birth control my periods started to become irregular. I also packed on about thirty more pounds since graduating from high school and leaving college. I'm married now, so why try, right? WRONG. I'm not a stupid person. I'm almost too smart for my own good, and my brain is full to the brim with fitness knowledge and healthy eating tips that I hand out freely to my coworkers. I just don't apply them to myself, which, I guess kind of DOES make me stupid. Anyway... After one year of the irregularity and skipping cycles altogether I decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN to let him know what was going on. He put me on Provera, and Metformin to start up my cycle and regulate my sugar (insulin resistant, remember?). However... I'll tell you right now I was a non-compliant patient. The Metformin upset my belly horribly. So I starting taking it sporadically or just whenever I "remembered" to take it. In fact, I was given Metformin when I was sixteen as well and ended up doing the same thing then. So supposedly I was taking Metformin EVERY DAY for years and years and years... which wasn't the actual case. Had I really been taking it every day for all those years my outcome may have been completely different.
I'm not inadequate.
I am infertile.
My husband and I have tried for three very unsuccessful, (heartbreaking, in my case) years to conceive a child. I called my doctor back and told him I needed a refill on the Metformin since I read that it can help ovulation, and actually was going to comply with taking it. He said he wanted to do a liver function test first... but he never wrote up the lab work. So now I haven't even taken the medication sporadically. I've just stopped taking it for a year and a half. The Provera also stopped working, so I haven't had a period in two months. My ovulation test kits come back negative every day. No ovulation. No eggs. No babies. My husband is fine either way. He tells me he loves me. He tells me that as long as he has me he doesn't HAVE to have a child, but I'm not happy with that. I sat him down and asked him if he was really serious about having children with me. I told him that if he was serious, then I was ready to take the next step in the journey and seek help from a medical professional whom I feel actually WANTS to help us conceive. I'm not upset with my OBGYN. I'm frustrated with him. He's a fantastic doctor, but I felt like he was stretched too thin and could not give me the attention I needed to get better. To FIGHT this. To complete my family.
I'm not giving up.
I will be a mother.
My husband and I have an appointment next Thursday with an infertility specialist. I looked him up online today to have some kind of idea of who he is. I found out he wrote a book, which I then bought and am currently reading. He mentions PCOS and insulin resistance a lot and I feel like he understands what my husband and I are going through. Or mainly just me and all of my issues, but still. It's nice to know that this doctor I have an appointment with actually CARES about us and is going to try like hell with us to bring a child into this world.
*sigh*
Here goes nothing...
I am a fighter.
My only true goal in life is to become a mother. It's true, I swear. There are pictures of me as a two year old child carting around multiple baby dolls named Lucy, Graham, Brittany, and Charity. There are pictures of me as a three year old child feeding my newborn brother a bottle while supporting his head the correct way.
I'm not here to tell you about pictures.
I'm here to tell you my story.
At sixteen years old, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and as a result, insulin resistance. Kind of like a "side effect" isn't it? Approximately five to ten percent of women of childbearing age have this disease. Of those five to ten percent, half of them don't even know that they have it. Luckily for me, I was diagnosed at sixteen. I don't want to say it was a rash decision on my doctor's part, but I was diagnosed rather quickly and without hesitation. You see, I'm overweight, another common "side effect" of PCOS. The majority of women with PCOS are, however, overweight. I also have excess hair growth on my arms, back, and face. No brainer for the doctor, I had to have PCOS! The only symptom I did NOT have was an actual cyst on my ovary. I was never told by my doctor WHAT exactly PCOS was, so me, being scared out of my mind that something was "wrong" with me decided to do the one thing that I probably shouldn't have done. Ignore it. I went home and did little to no research on PCOS and I didn't care to. My friends thought it was some kind of "STD" so eventually I stopped confiding in them and started forgetting about my diagnosis altogether. My doctor put me on birth control to regulate my periods and stop the excess hair growth and it worked! I stayed on birth control until the age of twenty-two, when my husband and I decided to expand our family.
I'm not upset with my doctor for not educating me.
I'm upset with myself.
As soon as I went off of the birth control my periods started to become irregular. I also packed on about thirty more pounds since graduating from high school and leaving college. I'm married now, so why try, right? WRONG. I'm not a stupid person. I'm almost too smart for my own good, and my brain is full to the brim with fitness knowledge and healthy eating tips that I hand out freely to my coworkers. I just don't apply them to myself, which, I guess kind of DOES make me stupid. Anyway... After one year of the irregularity and skipping cycles altogether I decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN to let him know what was going on. He put me on Provera, and Metformin to start up my cycle and regulate my sugar (insulin resistant, remember?). However... I'll tell you right now I was a non-compliant patient. The Metformin upset my belly horribly. So I starting taking it sporadically or just whenever I "remembered" to take it. In fact, I was given Metformin when I was sixteen as well and ended up doing the same thing then. So supposedly I was taking Metformin EVERY DAY for years and years and years... which wasn't the actual case. Had I really been taking it every day for all those years my outcome may have been completely different.
I'm not inadequate.
I am infertile.
My husband and I have tried for three very unsuccessful, (heartbreaking, in my case) years to conceive a child. I called my doctor back and told him I needed a refill on the Metformin since I read that it can help ovulation, and actually was going to comply with taking it. He said he wanted to do a liver function test first... but he never wrote up the lab work. So now I haven't even taken the medication sporadically. I've just stopped taking it for a year and a half. The Provera also stopped working, so I haven't had a period in two months. My ovulation test kits come back negative every day. No ovulation. No eggs. No babies. My husband is fine either way. He tells me he loves me. He tells me that as long as he has me he doesn't HAVE to have a child, but I'm not happy with that. I sat him down and asked him if he was really serious about having children with me. I told him that if he was serious, then I was ready to take the next step in the journey and seek help from a medical professional whom I feel actually WANTS to help us conceive. I'm not upset with my OBGYN. I'm frustrated with him. He's a fantastic doctor, but I felt like he was stretched too thin and could not give me the attention I needed to get better. To FIGHT this. To complete my family.
I'm not giving up.
I will be a mother.
My husband and I have an appointment next Thursday with an infertility specialist. I looked him up online today to have some kind of idea of who he is. I found out he wrote a book, which I then bought and am currently reading. He mentions PCOS and insulin resistance a lot and I feel like he understands what my husband and I are going through. Or mainly just me and all of my issues, but still. It's nice to know that this doctor I have an appointment with actually CARES about us and is going to try like hell with us to bring a child into this world.
*sigh*
Here goes nothing...
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