Negatory, Batman.

Boo.

That's basically how I feel about Monday. Blegh and Boo. All wrapped up together into a tight little ball of BleghBoo-ness.  *sigh* I was supposed to be taking a pregnancy test today. Supposed to as in I didn't. Reason being? I started my period on August 24th. Honestly? I was sort of relieved by it in a sense that I've been "like clockwork" for the past three months. That means I'm working. I'm functioning at 100% capacity. All systems are go. Woo hoo! But then it means that I'm not pregnant. Which is sad. And annoying. And all of my hormonal imbalances where I cried about golden retrievers running onto baseball fields meant nothing.

Boo.

I did go to the doctor today though. Since I did start my cycle they wanted to do their obligatory ultrasound for cyst checking as soon as possible. And also to make SURE SURE that I wasn't pregnant by poking my poor poor vein for the 82nd time. So technically I guess I DID do a pregnancy test today. *rolls eyes* I still don't understand why they can't just check while they have an ultrasound wand up my hoo-ha. Sorry... anyway... the results are in! And I have one 16mm cyst on my right ovary. It's really not that big, but it looked humongous on the little black and white screen. I grabbed a ruler and measured it out.

______ <-- That is a 16mm line. I think. I just held my piece of cyst paper up to the computer screen. So there you go. *shrugs*

The doctor told me that since there is only one cyst and not a cluster of them, and it's not round in shape (it's oblong), it means that the cyst is basically folding in on itself. Or dissipating. Or going BYE BYE! And since it looks like it IS doing that he is okay with moving forward with round three of stimulation. Hello 200mg of Clomid! Looking forward to meeting you! I'm okay with this though... Even though I responded "wonderfully" to the 150mg of Clomid, I still only produced one mature follicle. What they're hoping happens is that I'll respond double wonderfully to the 200mg and produce at least two or possible three mature follicles. This is where my multiple meter would increase. This is where my possibility of twins may become a reality.

Third time's the charm!

I'm trying very hard to remain upbeat. I keep telling myself, "Jessika... you've been trying for three years by yourself, what's three more months?" Well... three months is 25% of a year. And I really don't want to move past a complete fourth year. And I KNOW people try for more than ten years sometimes, but I don't know if I can. I feel like this is taking so much out of me sometimes and nobody REALLY gets it. Unless they have actually struggled with infertility they don't understand. They don't understand the financial strain, the emotional toll it takes on you and your family, the pain and frustration after each negative result, the constant mood swings due to medication. They can say the understand all they want... but they don't. I'm lucky I have the support system I have. Both at home and at work. I love the people in my life right now and wouldn't trade them for anything. Well... except maybe a baby, but that's illegal. ;o) I know some of my coworkers follow this blog, and I'm so grateful for that... it may not reflect on my "followers list," but I know they're there. That's all that matters. And one day... (hopefully soon!) that pregnancy test will say positive.

Then my baseball playing golden retrievers will mean everything.