New and Improved!

I'm not overweight.

I figure as long as I'm throwing myself to the wolves with my infertility journey I might as well be completely honest about everything. At five feet, seven inches tall I weigh 298 pounds. My "healthy" weight to height ratio states that I should weigh between 140-150 pounds and that my current BMI level is around 48. That's obese, not just overweight. I know it's my fault. I make excuses for myself constantly about why I can't work out or eat right and I tell people "I'm just a little overweight" or "I can lose a few pounds, no problem." Well... I'm not entirely sure that's working for me seeing as I've been "overweight" my whole life. My OBGYN told me when he diagnosed me with PCOS that I would have a hard time losing weight and an easy time gaining it. Well, in almost ten years I've gone from a size 18 to a size 22 and some people would say "that's not a horrbile gain!" but when you're me, and you have other problems, being obese does not help you to conceive a child. People can't believe I weigh almost 300 pounds when I tell them because I carry my weight so well. It feels good for them to argue with me, but I'm tired of skirting the issue. I can't remember being smaller than a size 18. Even in junior high...

I'm making a change.

Yesterday I started P90X. I know it's extreme, but I feel BETTER after doing a workout. I'm only on day two of the "lean" routine and I have so much more energy! I feel like I can conquer the world. I also started a "diet." I hate the word "diet." I feel like the word diet is used wrong in our society. I think that what you eat on a regular basis is your diet, not something you "go on" to lose weight. It bothers me when people tell me "I'm on a diet" because... what do you eat the rest of the time?! So scratch that, I'm not "going on a diet," I'm changing my lifestyle in the kitchen.  In the book I'm reading that my endocrinologist wrote, he says that for my height I should be getting 97g of protein and 97g of carbohydrates which, if I stick to, the weight should drop with exercise. It's an even split. I also did VERY well yesterday. My mother took my brother and I to Applebee's yesterday, and while I waited on them to arrive at the restaurant I made the decision that I was going to beat myself at my own game. I ordered the 7oz. sirloin. Normally, that would come with the seasonal vegetable (broccoli this time! YUM!) and garlic mashed potatoes. I thought about this long and hard because I am a HUGE potato fan, but potatoes can hurt you... especially me with all their starchy goodness and glory. I ended up substituting the potatoes for a side salad and I shaved off 70 calories from my meal making it under 500 calories. I had extra veggies, which is GOOD, but that's not the best part! I didn't miss the potatoes. I thought I would, and I think I WANTED to miss them in order to give myself an excuse to go home and eat like crap, but I didn't. I was actually full... almost to the point of being "stuffed" and I was proud of myself for this. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love potatoes and starchy food so while this may seem small to most of you, it's a big deal for me. It lets me know that I might not fail this time.

I will succeed!