Fertility Friend.

I've been using this dumb website...

I say "dumb website" because I don't understand it. I have all of my information plugged in since June, but it's telling me that for this cycle there is "no ovulation predicted." Well why not? If this site is so smart and uses patterns to detect ovulation then it should tell me something, right?! It DID tell me that my cycles run an average of 30-32 days though, which is normal for women with PCOS. It makes ovulation detection a bitch though... clearly. I'm also only on cycle day number TWO! So I've got a long way to go... it does have little colored boxes around October 8th through 10th with another different colored box around October 26th. So I think it's predicting my ovulation and when I should take a pregnancy test... even though it's telling me it's NOT. Stupid website... Oh by the way, the pregnancy test (for this round) was negative... if that wasn't obvious from the start.

So we enter round four.

When the nurse called me with my progesterone results and they were only at 6, let's just say I was a little less than optimistic that our trial at home was successful. I was crossing my fingers and toes and eyes and anything that would cross, but it didn't matter. *sigh* I had a talk with my husband about taking a break. He's okay with it, but I think he's okay with whatever I want to do. And I want a break. I think. I'm on such a high dosage of Clomid that I'm worried about over stimulation; my poor ovaries need a break. I don't think they've worked this hard EVER. My husband reassured me two weeks ago that he's "okay with not having kids." Well... I'm not okay with that. This is kind of a deal breaker for me. I've wanted children since I can remember and if I can't have my own I want to adopt or foster. And he does not want to do either of those things. It makes me sad and frustrated because I know he knows I feel about children... anyway, moving on.

I'm going to talk to my doctor at my ultrasound.

I figure I'll go ahead and go in and make sure my ovaries are okay, my lining is fine, etc. My period is being wacky. I started spotting on the 23rd, then it got a little heavier on the 24th, but still VERY light. Yesterday was more consistent, but also LIGHT and today was super light to non-existent spotty like. BUT my two home pregnancy tests came back negative so I don't know what my body is doing. No cramps either. It's annoying. But anyway, I'm definitely going to talk to my doctor at the ultrasound and see if he recommends me taking a month off or not. He wants to put my on injectables. Whatever those are... I'm sure we'll discuss those as well. I'm leaning more toward a break and THEN jumping into the injectable drugs, but I don't want my body to just stop working and go back to it's non-ovulatory state. Which it might be doing with this light spotting crap.

Who knew having a baby would be this hard.

I'm Going Gray...

Seriously.

I had an ultrasound on Thursday, September 6th to check out my follicles after increasing my Clomid dosage to 200mg. Results? 11mm. SERIOUSLY? 11 freaking millimeters. AND I only (again) had one follicle that looked like it was growing. I expected more. I was disappointed. My lining was also thinner than they wanted it to be. So...they had me go back for a second ultrasound on Saturday, September 8th to make sure, for certain, that my 11mm follicle was indeed growing and not just staying put. They told me it wasn't uncommon for women with PCOS to ovulate later in their cycles and that I shouldn't be discouraged at all. So I went in on Saturday and my follicle grew to 14mm and my lining thickened up. (Woo hoo)! I had to go back for a third ultrasound on Monday, September 10th. At this point I was annoyed with it, and totally expected my follicle to be around the 16-17mm mark.

Imagine my surprise...

My follicle grew to 19mm. I think my eyes were as big as saucers when he said that. I can only imagine. The doctor told me that once a follicle decides to go, they go! And can grow up to 3mm a day, which is what mine did. I was still surprised. He told me to wait until Tuesday (yesterday) before giving myself my Ovidrel injection. That way my follicle would be in the 20-22mm range. He then told us to try for pregnancy yesterday, which didn't happen because my husband wanted to watch Sons of Anarchy instead, and by the time he came to bed I was asleep. And to try tonight (Wednesday). Now... according to all my research I will ovulate 24-40 hours after my injection. So... baby dancing tonight is a must. We're trying on our own this time for two factors. Cost is the main reason, and the other is just to try on our own after two failed IUIs. I REALLY really don't want this third try to be a bust though. I get that there's a lot of pressure on my husband... but I will be so upset if this just doesn't happen (sort of like last night). It's semi-frustrating to me to know that he'd rather watch the premier of a TV show than to try to grow our family...

What can I do though...

This whole process is becoming a nightmare. I knew it would be tough, and that it wouldn't happen "overnight," but I didn't count on the whole mood swings are ridiculous while on all these medications thing. I get frustrated super easily (which may be why I was upset about last night), and I have anxiety about things I wouldn't normally feel anxious about. I feel like more and more gray hair is sprouting on my head. I pulled one out today. Have you ever noticed that gray hair is SUPER STRONG opposed to your natural hair color? It's like... thicker and has a rougher texture. At least my "gray" hair is a pretty silver color and not dull at all. Maybe I'll just let the gray take over. Who knows. I just hope that this gets easier. And that the stupid pregnancy test reads positive.