Happy New Year.

...and a partridge in a pear tree...

Christmas has come and gone, my tree is still up, and we still are not pregnant. No worries though. I figure it will happen when it happens. We just can't afford the treatments anymore. So is this me giving up? Kind of, yeah. It would be nice to have children. I would make an excellent mother. But I just don't have the strength to live how I have been living anymore. I need to take care of myself first. So... like every "new year's resolution" in the world... I'll be attempting to lose weight. I've ballooned back up to where I started and I'm killing myself. I really am. The worst part about it is that I KNOW I'm doing it, and am really clueless as to why I just... can't stop... *sigh* So maybe when I drop some weight it will just happen, ya know? *rolls eyes* I'm so over being optimistic...

My new year's resolution...

Project 365. I will take a photo everyday starting on January 1st. It will be of whatever I feel like it should be that day. It might reflect my mood, it might be of me, but I will take a photo EVERY. DAY. Which means I might post EVERY. DAY. And I said MIGHT post. MIGHT.

Hopefully this year treats me better.

I get a little big stronger and a little bit healthier. For me. Here's to change.

-Jess

Don't think I don't think about it...

Well folks, I think I'm close to breaking down.

I know it has been awhile, and I apologize for that, especially to my family members that follow me on here and like to keep tabs. I'm sorry. With Thanksgiving over with and Christmas rapidly approaching I feel my anxiety level creeping to an all time high. We cannot afford Christmas this year. We can barely buy for the 10 children in our lives, let alone six adults. My mom came up with the idea to give out my baked goodies, which honestly isn't that horrible of an idea, but that's a lot of pressure too! I would have to make sure every cupcake and holiday cookie is pristine and perfectly frosted. *sigh* I don't know, but I'll try it. I'm also not sure if it will "fall on deaf ears" so to speak and not be appreciated. :-/

I love Christmas... I really do...

But I feel like this Christmas is going to suck. I'm a big Bah Humbug this year and I honestly think it's because I miss my dad. I know I spent last Christmas without him... but I was sort of numb the whole first year. Now that I have time to process it... "oh hey, dad's not here" it really sucks. I shouldn't complain. A lot of other people have lost a parent and I know it's not something easily "gotten over," but this REALLY sucks. My grandma is also not going to be able to enjoy the holiday with us. She was diagnosed with ALS and has been progressing very quickly. She can't speak very well, she can't walk, or feed herself, and she has trouble chewing and swallowing. She was also diagnosed with pseudobulbar palsy which causes her to laugh or cry (and I mean SOB) uncontrollably for no reason. It's horrible to see her like this. She was so involved with LIFE. She went to festivals all summer, she was a member of many different city boards and festival boards, she traveled. She was just in Germany! And then from May to November she just... lost everything... I love her a lot. I grew closer to her over the summer (not last, but the one before it) when my husband painted a few things around her house for her. It was nice being able to talk to her and have her tell me things I never knew about her before. And now I feel like I didn't see her enough. I HATE nursing homes. My great grandma passed away in a nursing home and now my only living grandparent is going to pass in one as well. So sorry I'm a Bah Humbug.

The other thing that's been on my mind...

We're still not pregnant. We're taking a break for the months of November and December. I started my cycle yesterday, but it's SUPER light... which is weird, but I'm not worried. It'll pick up. It usually does. I started thinking about the whole "maybe I'm not supposed to have children" thing again. It really does just jump into my head when I'm depressed about something. But surprisingly? I'm getting to the point where that's okay. I'm an amazing aunt... and maybe that's good enough. *shrugs*

Sorry for the no update thing again...
Hopefully this wasn't too terrible for you to read.

JessaKake's vs. Election.

I really need to open a bakery.

I just made the world's best red velvet cupcakes (homemade of course) accompanied by homemade cream cheese icing. The recipe I have made 32 cupcakes. Now, what the heck am I going to do with that many cupcakes for just my husband and myself? Easy. Give them away. I brought two dozen of the yummy things to work and am down to about ten. All of my coworkers told me "these are amazing!" or "they're perfect!" or "how did you do the icing, because I don't usually like cream cheese icing, but this is really good!"

*sigh* Well... I'll tell you. I'm an evil cupcake baking genius. I'm also an evil cookie baking genius. Or maybe just an evil dessert making genius. Either way, the common denominator is genius. Aside from that though, my coworkers all got me thinking that I should REALLY open up a bakery since all of my sweet treats are usually amazing. I just really don't have the money to do that. How hard to you think it is to get investors? I really just don't want to try this and fail. I don't like to fail... right now it's a good situation. I bake too much, I give the product out for free. Maybe there's some sort of charity I could get involved with and they can benefit from excess yummyness... hmm...

But I really need to think about possibly applying to work at a bakery...

Next topic?

Obama wins president.

I really wanted my cat, Isadore Tyrone, to be the first cat president... but alas he was not elected. Here are my thoughts on this. Izzy is super sad, but I gave him some cat treats and he snapped right out of it... oh, right. Election. Obama. Romney. Etc...

Obama is the president of The United States of America.

This really does not bother me as much as it bothers my coworkers, and they've been annoying me with it all morning. Saying things like, "Oh, I guess we're working for free now!" and "Do we really need to work that hard today?" and "Well I'll be out of a job when Obama Care goes into full swing." "We haven't had a good assassination lately..." Now, my office is entirely (for the most part) made up of die-hard republicans who don't even support that the first openly gay senator was elected into office. They had plenty to say about that as well. And it just aggravates me. I'm over hearing about it.

The way I look at it is that either way the vote would have went there was going to be change in America. Whether it's a good or a bad change remains to be said, but apparently the nation thought that Obama was the right guy for the job. It's not his fault Bush left an eight year disaster for him to clean up. We reelected Bush. We reelected Obama. Get over it. We had the opportunity to change it and we didn't. Even if you voted for Romney, you need to realize that Obama is still president, there's nothing you can do about it, and you should probably lend him (Obama) some support for the next four years, otherwise nothing is going to get done AT ALL.

I don't support Obama Care. I don't support it one bit. I don't like being told that I have to have health insurance or I have to pay a "fine" or "healthcare tax." It's bull. And I doubt that I'll be able to afford said tax, but guess what? There's nothing I can do about it now. So we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I also did not support Romney's anti-abortion stance. And I know what you're thinking... how can I be against life when I'm trying so hard to create it? It's simple. I'm not AGAINST life at all. I'm just pro-choice. I believe if a woman is raped and a child is conceived out of that horrendous act that she has the right to do with her body as she sees fit. If she can't fathom giving birth to a child that in her mind could be "half monster" then she shouldn't have to. Every circumstance is different and that should be taken into consideration. For myself? No. Never would I ever have an abortion or endorse getting one. But I feel like if it's right for that person, then fine. No one should dictate what a woman should do with her body.

This all being said...

America is in for an awakening. Things get worse before they get better. Maybe things will turn around in the next four years, and maybe they won't. But we do know one thing for sure... After this term he's done. He'll be gone...So for now. Lend him some support and suck it up.

Thanks for listening.
Have a cupcake.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is probably my favorite holiday.

Seriously. I love it more than Christmas. It's the one holiday that I can dress like a complete fool and get away with it. My costume this year was an "80's chick." That's what I dubbed it at least. We have a Halloween Costume Contest every year at work. And I REALLY thought I had it in the bag this year... I was creative, colorful (who wasn't in the 80's?!), and my make-up was adorable... and then... my coworker, walked into the building.

First of all... I work in a pediatrician's office.

Secondly... we see a variety of all kinds of things from chicken pox, fevers, coughing, allergic reactions, bug bites, etc... I could go on forever. Now... my coworker won last year dressed as Cruella DeVille. She looked FABULOUS... so naturally I wanted her to win. Well... this year she came dressed as a BEDBUG. A freaking bedbug. I knew I lost at that moment. Who dresses as a bedbug?! GRRRR!!!! I'm just mad I'm not that creative. She was dressed in pajama bottoms, slippers, a comfy tshirt, with a red robe over the top. Then she made a giant brown bug body and put half of it on the front of her robe and the other half on the back. Complete with little black antennae and blood around her mouth from "sucking blood from unsuspecting sleepers."

Anyway... I'll let you judge. I'm on the left. She's on the right. :)
Happy Halloween!!!

   




















                                           **UPDATE** : I won by ONE VOTE!!!! CRAZY!!!!

Give me a break.

Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar.

My "October break" resulted in a negative. I was so positive about this cycle too! I had two really good follicles, and my husband had a good count... but alas. Negative. :( Now we seriously ARE taking a break. Not just telling people we are. It's frustrating... so, so frustrating. I know this is a good thing though, especially for my mental health, my emotional health, and my financial circumstances. This really is taking a toll on our bank account.

Talk about a stress relief.

When I talked to the doctor on Monday I told them that I had started my cycle and taken two home pregnancy tests (both being negative). I also asked if it would be okay if my husband and I took a "break" for a couple months. Just until the holidays and the stress ball that is Christmas is over with. They said that it was fine to do that and that it wouldn't alter my treatment plan in any way. I would be fine to pick up right where I left off as soon as I wanted to. I told them I would most likely call them in January. They also said if we were to conceive on our own during our two month hiatus to call them and they'll monitor me for the first twelve weeks.

The good news?

I know around the time I ovulate now, BUT that is while on medication. I won't be on my fertility drugs (Ovidrel & Gonal-F) during the break. I will however continue to take my Metformin, Aspirin, Prenatal, Co-Q10, and any other vitamins I want to take. I also plan on continuing my Clomid. I'll start that tomorrow. Just because I know it will help me to ovulate. I may not be triggering my ovulation, but I know I'll ovulate and possibly conceive on our own. I'm just really not thinking it will happen like that. I honestly think that it's going to take IVF to get my hostile uterus to accept pregnancy. *sigh* Not saying I have a hostile uterus or anything... but if the shoe fits I might as well wear it.

I am welcoming this REAL LIVE break with open arms.

This way I can concentrate on buying Christmas presents for my four nephews, three nieces, my five sisters-in-law, two brothers-in-law, three brothers, mother, mother-in-law, father-in-law and my husband. My husband will normally help me with shopping for the younger kids... two of my sisters-in-law are under the age of 16, as well as one of my brothers-in-law. The rest are older and have kids of their own (the nieces and nephews). My husband has an American family, what can I say? I just have my three brothers. :)

Needless to say, I have plenty of children to hold me over on holidays until I have my own.

Jessica Ridgeway.

This has nothing to do with infertility.

I need to discuss this, because it's something I think about almost constantly. I've been following the case of a missing child from Colorado named Jessica Ridgeway.  Police have found a body, but have not released/said whether or not it is Jessica's body that they found. This is terrible in and of itself that it may NOT be Jessica since it would mean that another ten year old blonde haired girl was found dead. I pray for the family that one of two things happens. They FIND Jessica. And that whatever the outcome the family will have peace and JUSTICE. The sad part about an open forum at the end of online articles is this: people have the nerve to blame the parents for her disappearance.

I can't stress this enough.

People are not perfect. Parents are not perfect. Jessica is ten years old. She left for school to meet her friends at a park where they would then all walk together. The school called Jessica's mother shortly after 8:00am to report that she wasn't there. The mother missed the phone call and didn't get the message until she woke up at 4:00pm. This woman works third shift to provide for her family. And it sounds terrible and people want to know how you can "miss" a phone call. Easy... you're tired. You don't HEAR the phone. I, for one, do NOT blame this mother. It is NOT her fault Jessica got abducted by a monster. 

Here is my point of all of this.

Jessica is ten years old. She walked to school every day before this. Her mother trusted her enough to get there, and she DID. When I was ten years old my mother trusted the same of me. I walked roughly a quarter mile to and from school every day without a second thought. My mother let my brother and I play outside unattended as long as we were out front and she could occasionally glance out and see us. If we weren't right out front we were probably down the street or easily within ear shot. I cannot believe how times have changed. This mother was probably trusted to walk to and from school herself so she saw nothing wrong with letting her daughter walk to school unattended. I see nothing wrong with it, but times HAVE changed. And it's a HORRIBLE circumstance when you realize it too late. I can't fathom what possess people to molest innocent children. To abduct innocent children and murder them for some sick obsession. I hope the mother of Jessica Ridgeway receives justice for her daughter. Whether she is found dead or alive. And I pray that she finds comfort during this horrific time in her life.

Jessica is 4'10," 80 pounds, has shoulder-length blonde hair, blue eyes and was last seen wearing a black jacket with pink and purple eyeglasses.
Anyone with any information is being asked to call the Westminster Police tip line: 303-658-4336 or email PDamberalert@cityofwestminster.us.

Stimming and Baby dust.

Long time. I know. 

At least it feels like I haven't written in forever. I told everyone we were "taking a break,"  when in reality we really aren't. It's super less stressful on me. So as a result my body has responded amazingly to the medication. I took Clomid starting on September 30th through October 3rd then I started my injectable drugs on the 3rd as well. I have been taking them like clockwork every day and am very proud of myself. They have me on Gonal-f.  My only complaint (other than stabbing myself in the belly with a needle every day) is the BRUISING that comes with it. Usually I will just bruise a tiny bit by the injection site and it's gone in two days, but yesterday I noticed that I have a gigantic bruise. It's purple-blue and very not pretty to look it. But it's not painful. I do think I'll avoid my right side for the remainder of the injections. Luckily for me my last injection of the medication is tomorrow. They had me on a low dose to begin with at only 37.5 units until yesterday.

My estrogen level came back at 77.

They told me this was good, but the doctor wanted to raise my dosage of the Gonal-f to 75 units for yesterday and today. Then on Wednesday he wants me to dose myself at 150 units and then take my Ovidrel injection that night as well at 10:00pm. This cycle has gone SUPER fast. I only had to go get my follicles checked once when normally I go two-four additional times to recheck them. As of yesterday at 8:15am I have one follicle measuring at 16mm and a second at 12mm. By Wednesday they should both be mature enough to release an egg. I also have a smaller 7-8mm folly on the other side that COULD grow as well, but it isn't as likely. It was actually quite comical yesterday when my doctor told me I responded beautifully and that he didn't need to have me come back at all. He scheduled the IUI for this Friday at 10:00am. My husband has his appointment at 8:00am. It's just really crazy that I didn't have to go back for a recheck. I still can't wrap my head all the way around that. I actually had to call my pharmacy to have my Ovidrel shipped out yesterday for today instead of Wednesday for Thursday. I was totally not prepared to have them tell me that I'll trigger Wednesday.

Keeping fingers crossed.

If pregnancy does NOT happen this month. We really ARE taking a break... especially with the holidays fast approaching we don't want to be super stressed out. So this is our last attempt until January. Wish us luck and baby dust please. :)