It doesn't feel like a Monday to me.
It needs to be rainy or gross outside to feel like an actual Monday. I'm not down with it being a beautiful day today. I've basically been on a roll since I got into work today. Between bossy coworkers and coworkers not knowing what to do when scheduling appointments, it's just driving me insane. Granted though, everything has been driving me a little insane lately. I realize that not everyone thinks the same way that I do, but a lot of the scheduling protocol should revolve around common sense. Don't put into the description box that a patient hasn't been seen in over five years, but then not actually put the last time they were here. It makes finding that chart extremely difficult, and now I have to take time to call you and ask you to tell me what year they were last seen when you should have already put it in the box in the first place. I wasted ten minutes of my life that could have been so easily avoided. *End Rant*
I've been busy.
Basically, I have just been super cleaning my apartment. But hey... it's crunch time. My "Spring Cleaning" has been building up for the past five years that I've lived in that place. It's about time for a major overhaul. My husband is painting one of our friend's houses and one of the colors is a pretty purple-ish color. So he told me if there is anything left we could have it for the spare bedroom. I don't know if I'd rather have an accent wall or a couple stripes around the walls. *shrug* My landlord might not be too pleased with me as a tenant, but I'm none to pleased with her as a landlord so I guess that makes us relatively even. My landlord, don't get me wrong, is a great landlord... she maintains the crap out of those bushes out front... and doesn't mind our rent being late as long as it's paid by the end of the month (along with the $35 late fee), but as an interior fixer-upper person? Horrible. We've had to fix a lot of things on our own and then there are certain things that she was supposed to return to fix (our front screen door) and never returned. Our front door hasn't had a handle on it for about a year now. So yes. I'm painting a wall purple-ish as my revenge.
I rehomed my cat.
Izzy Bear. He is a spectacular feline specimen. He truly is, but with also having Vegas the workload of the litter boxes and the cost of litter and food alone was driving the husband a little crazy. So we compromised on rehoming one of my precious fur children. Izzy is SO loving though it didn't take long at all for him to find a home. However, yesterday the person we rehomed him to dropped a bomb on us and said she had to get rid of him as well as her own cat due to health reasons. So now my mother-in-law has custody of him. :) I'm actually more okay with this option because we'll still be able to see him when we go over there. He didn't seem to mind too much being there either, but I know he's very upset with me for "abandoning" him. *sigh*
Only time will tell...
Monday, August 12, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Racism in the case of Trayvon Martin?? No way....
Okay...
Like I stated in my previous post, I am in NO way racist. I have black friends. I have black cousins. I probably AM black somewhere down my line if you look at my wide nose, big hips and thighs, and the gap between my teeth (and judge based on stereotype)... but I am SO sick of black people blaming EVERYTHING on race/racial issues. I really am not afraid to call a black person out on being racist towards whites (or any other race). In fact.... I did so this morning via Facebook because of the Trayvon Martin verdict. The conversation was as follows with the status she posted being what started the whole thing.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Like I stated in my previous post, I am in NO way racist. I have black friends. I have black cousins. I probably AM black somewhere down my line if you look at my wide nose, big hips and thighs, and the gap between my teeth (and judge based on stereotype)... but I am SO sick of black people blaming EVERYTHING on race/racial issues. I really am not afraid to call a black person out on being racist towards whites (or any other race). In fact.... I did so this morning via Facebook because of the Trayvon Martin verdict. The conversation was as follows with the status she posted being what started the whole thing.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Friday, June 14, 2013
A little bugged...
Ya know what really bothers me?
I'll tell you. And first and foremost let me say that I am NOT racist in any way, shape, or form whatsoever so get that garbage out of your head right now. What bothers me is when an African American person wants to start a group ONLY for other African American people. Women specifically, breast feeding being the group moniker. Now... the main reason it bothers me is WHY does a breast feeding group only have to be one race? If anything I feel discriminated against because my race is being "left out," so to speak. And I get that I'm not a breast feeding mother at all, and that maybe I "just don't understand" (which is BS), but I see groups like this all of the time. Groups that are only for one specific race when it's something so widespread that maybe other races SHOULD be included just for a difference in opinion. You can almost guarantee that if someone who is "white" started a group only for white people it would be racist. Obviously the caucasian persuasion has a history of being racist, but come on... aren't we way over that now?
::shakes head::
Anyway...
I have been a very absentee writer as of late. I've just been super busy with appointments and cleaning my house (no luck there), sleeping, and spending time with my family, so it has been a little hard to sit down at a computer and just let loose. Hence the above rant. Another rant? Loose is the feeling of letting go, or when something isn't tight. LOSE is not when you win. Get it right people... seriously.
Man! I'm in a mood today!
I'm actually in a relatively great mood, all rants aside. I have an appointment set up with a good friend of mine to take some pictures for me on Saturday. And I know what you're thinking... I could take them myself, but I just feel like I need a different creative eye. Plus I trust her more than I trust myself with the photographic content. To be honest? I actually put my photography on hold. I'm too busy with my bill paying job to concentrate on my photography. This living paycheck to paycheck crap is for the birds, but at least we have food and a place to sleep at night.
More than some have.
I'll tell you. And first and foremost let me say that I am NOT racist in any way, shape, or form whatsoever so get that garbage out of your head right now. What bothers me is when an African American person wants to start a group ONLY for other African American people. Women specifically, breast feeding being the group moniker. Now... the main reason it bothers me is WHY does a breast feeding group only have to be one race? If anything I feel discriminated against because my race is being "left out," so to speak. And I get that I'm not a breast feeding mother at all, and that maybe I "just don't understand" (which is BS), but I see groups like this all of the time. Groups that are only for one specific race when it's something so widespread that maybe other races SHOULD be included just for a difference in opinion. You can almost guarantee that if someone who is "white" started a group only for white people it would be racist. Obviously the caucasian persuasion has a history of being racist, but come on... aren't we way over that now?
::shakes head::
Anyway...
I have been a very absentee writer as of late. I've just been super busy with appointments and cleaning my house (no luck there), sleeping, and spending time with my family, so it has been a little hard to sit down at a computer and just let loose. Hence the above rant. Another rant? Loose is the feeling of letting go, or when something isn't tight. LOSE is not when you win. Get it right people... seriously.
Man! I'm in a mood today!
I'm actually in a relatively great mood, all rants aside. I have an appointment set up with a good friend of mine to take some pictures for me on Saturday. And I know what you're thinking... I could take them myself, but I just feel like I need a different creative eye. Plus I trust her more than I trust myself with the photographic content. To be honest? I actually put my photography on hold. I'm too busy with my bill paying job to concentrate on my photography. This living paycheck to paycheck crap is for the birds, but at least we have food and a place to sleep at night.
More than some have.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Saturday Morning Work Blues.
First thing on the agenda for this morning.
My grandmother isn't doing to well these days. She was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) about six months ago. The problems started before that, but the official diagnosis came later. She has just been downhill ever since. She has lost the ability to speak, walk, and feed herself. She needs help using the restroom and getting in and out of bed. She has trouble swallowing. I can tell you right now, we never think about the muscle that helps us swallow until we can't use it any longer. My grandma chokes on water. And she uses an oxygen tank to help her breathe. Most (if not all) ALS patients die in their sleep from a collapsed diaphragm (the muscle that helps us breathe). They basically suffocate to death. And there is no cure for this disease. It is horrible. Seeing her diminish like she is puts a huge hole in my heart. My last living grandparent is dying and there's nothing I can do or anyone else can do about it.
Sorry for the depression.
On another note, I despise waking up early on Saturdays.
I like to stay in bed until at LEAST 10:00am. At LEAST. But, alas... today I had to wake up at 7:00am to get ready to go to work. I normally don't work on Saturdays, but my coworker took the weekend off to go to some kind of convention so I volunteered for the overtime. Hey, I could use to overtime!
I am somewhat glad I woke up at 7:00am.
Especially since my stomach decided to expel all of it's acid in a timely manner. Let me tell you, for those of you that have not had the luxury of throwing up stomach acid (aka "bile"), it is HORRIBLE! So, so, SO much worse than just "regular" vomiting. I attribute it to the fact that I got out of bed too fast and had nothing in my belly. Obviously. Bah... what a lovely thing to read in the morning. You're welcome.
My grandmother isn't doing to well these days. She was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) about six months ago. The problems started before that, but the official diagnosis came later. She has just been downhill ever since. She has lost the ability to speak, walk, and feed herself. She needs help using the restroom and getting in and out of bed. She has trouble swallowing. I can tell you right now, we never think about the muscle that helps us swallow until we can't use it any longer. My grandma chokes on water. And she uses an oxygen tank to help her breathe. Most (if not all) ALS patients die in their sleep from a collapsed diaphragm (the muscle that helps us breathe). They basically suffocate to death. And there is no cure for this disease. It is horrible. Seeing her diminish like she is puts a huge hole in my heart. My last living grandparent is dying and there's nothing I can do or anyone else can do about it.
Sorry for the depression.
On another note, I despise waking up early on Saturdays.
I like to stay in bed until at LEAST 10:00am. At LEAST. But, alas... today I had to wake up at 7:00am to get ready to go to work. I normally don't work on Saturdays, but my coworker took the weekend off to go to some kind of convention so I volunteered for the overtime. Hey, I could use to overtime!
I am somewhat glad I woke up at 7:00am.
Especially since my stomach decided to expel all of it's acid in a timely manner. Let me tell you, for those of you that have not had the luxury of throwing up stomach acid (aka "bile"), it is HORRIBLE! So, so, SO much worse than just "regular" vomiting. I attribute it to the fact that I got out of bed too fast and had nothing in my belly. Obviously. Bah... what a lovely thing to read in the morning. You're welcome.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
It is snowing... in March...
I really shouldn't be surprised by this.
I mean, it HAS snowed almost every year on my birthday *which is in April.* But really? I'm so over the snow. I'm over the cold. I'm ready for my allergies to kick back up and make me sneeze. I'm ready for my eyes to water and my nose to run. Okay, not really. But I AM ready for some slightly warmer weather. Would it KILL Mother Nature to make is a solid 60 degrees for a whole week? I don't think so.
I've noticed I have been freezing as of late.
I'm wondering if this is because my internal body temperature is messed up. I blame the over abundance of freakin' snow flurries. I also never wear an actual coat if I can help it. Perk one of working a pediatrician's office: I hardly ever get sick because I'm constantly exposed to germs. I DO get sick sometimes though. Just... rarely. Anyway. My body temperature is messed up! That's all.
This "blog" is becoming scarce.
Mainly because it started out as an infertility blog, and then we took a "break" in November so there was really nothing to write about. My life is somewhat uneventful, or just private enough that I don't want to expose all of my secrets. I had planned to start back up in February with the treatments, but that never happened. Those shots are ridiculously expensive. They have done a few rounds of blood work though, mainly checking my hormone levels and thyroid. Which the Dr. states are all "perfect" and "where they should be" for the time being. Yay me.
My goal for the year is to try and make this less scarce. I think I will definitely succeed. So please check back!
I mean, it HAS snowed almost every year on my birthday *which is in April.* But really? I'm so over the snow. I'm over the cold. I'm ready for my allergies to kick back up and make me sneeze. I'm ready for my eyes to water and my nose to run. Okay, not really. But I AM ready for some slightly warmer weather. Would it KILL Mother Nature to make is a solid 60 degrees for a whole week? I don't think so.
I've noticed I have been freezing as of late.
I'm wondering if this is because my internal body temperature is messed up. I blame the over abundance of freakin' snow flurries. I also never wear an actual coat if I can help it. Perk one of working a pediatrician's office: I hardly ever get sick because I'm constantly exposed to germs. I DO get sick sometimes though. Just... rarely. Anyway. My body temperature is messed up! That's all.
This "blog" is becoming scarce.
Mainly because it started out as an infertility blog, and then we took a "break" in November so there was really nothing to write about. My life is somewhat uneventful, or just private enough that I don't want to expose all of my secrets. I had planned to start back up in February with the treatments, but that never happened. Those shots are ridiculously expensive. They have done a few rounds of blood work though, mainly checking my hormone levels and thyroid. Which the Dr. states are all "perfect" and "where they should be" for the time being. Yay me.
My goal for the year is to try and make this less scarce. I think I will definitely succeed. So please check back!
Friday, February 1, 2013
SHREDDERS.
I love my shredder.
I know. It's a pretty awkward way to start writing when I haven't written about Jack Squat in so long. I've never been much of a "blogger" type of person though. I guess I'd rather go out and actually live my life as opposed to writing about HOW I should live it. I dunno. Just me I suppose.
So anyway.... back to my SHREDDER!
I have spent the majority of my day today shredding things. Mainly old documents that no longer apply to my husband and I. Such as: old insurance coverage papers, 2010-11 pay stubs (yes. I shred those), any bank statements or deposit slips from over the years, old checks, etc. A lot of people think I'm crazy for shredding those things, but let's be honest here, shall we? When am I really going to need those old pay stubs from two years ago? Or a bank statement I can reprint offline in less than five seconds? Old checks? Forget about it! Those same people that think I'm crazy usually follow up the statement with, "but what if you get audited?!" Well dear friend, I'll tell you this much, I NEVER keep receipts. I NEVER keep old bills lying around my house. I can't tell you how much I spend on gas in a year. I can't tell you what I spend at the grocery in a year. My husband and I feel the same way about this. If we get audited? We'll probably laugh since neither of us keep a THING.
Some people think this is stupid.
Some people think I AM stupid for not keeping anything. I don't. It goes back to my original point. I'm too busy living my life to let junk pile up in it. I don't need reminders of how much I need to pay a bill. I'm pretty sure I get the same bill every month. If I need gas or groceries, I'll get them. Life is too short to spend worrying about getting audited.
So. I live my life in the best way I can and I spend time shredding things. Believe it or not, it's quite calming. I feel less cluttered emotionally and obviously my cupboards where "important" papers are kept are less cluttered as well.
Have a great Tax Season. ;o)
I know. It's a pretty awkward way to start writing when I haven't written about Jack Squat in so long. I've never been much of a "blogger" type of person though. I guess I'd rather go out and actually live my life as opposed to writing about HOW I should live it. I dunno. Just me I suppose.
So anyway.... back to my SHREDDER!
I have spent the majority of my day today shredding things. Mainly old documents that no longer apply to my husband and I. Such as: old insurance coverage papers, 2010-11 pay stubs (yes. I shred those), any bank statements or deposit slips from over the years, old checks, etc. A lot of people think I'm crazy for shredding those things, but let's be honest here, shall we? When am I really going to need those old pay stubs from two years ago? Or a bank statement I can reprint offline in less than five seconds? Old checks? Forget about it! Those same people that think I'm crazy usually follow up the statement with, "but what if you get audited?!" Well dear friend, I'll tell you this much, I NEVER keep receipts. I NEVER keep old bills lying around my house. I can't tell you how much I spend on gas in a year. I can't tell you what I spend at the grocery in a year. My husband and I feel the same way about this. If we get audited? We'll probably laugh since neither of us keep a THING.
Some people think this is stupid.
Some people think I AM stupid for not keeping anything. I don't. It goes back to my original point. I'm too busy living my life to let junk pile up in it. I don't need reminders of how much I need to pay a bill. I'm pretty sure I get the same bill every month. If I need gas or groceries, I'll get them. Life is too short to spend worrying about getting audited.
So. I live my life in the best way I can and I spend time shredding things. Believe it or not, it's quite calming. I feel less cluttered emotionally and obviously my cupboards where "important" papers are kept are less cluttered as well.
Have a great Tax Season. ;o)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
My life in so many words...
I'm changing more. My name included.
If you haven't noticed, I changed the title of my site from "Me vs. Infertility" to "My life in so many Words..." I like it better, and it makes me feel like I can write about anything opposed to strictly infertility. Speaking of which, my husband and I are taking another month or two off to concentrate on ourselves. I don't think this is a selfish move at all. Part of which means getting life in order before bringing children into the world.
I called my bank this afternoon.
I mentioned trying again to get a pre-approval on a home loan. I say "again" because we tried about six or seven months ago, but my credit was like five points shy. Annoying, but true. So I fixed some issues on the husby's credit report and tackled paying my school loan on time every month. It has been a feat, but I've done it so far! Very proud of myself for that. :) The bank manager gave me a list of things I need to bring when I meet with her tomorrow. The typical stuff, our pay stubs for the last month, our last two bank statements, previous tax returns, our most recent w2s, and anything that may show up on my credit report (ex: that damn Sallie Mae loan). I'm crossing my fingers for this, it would be wonderful to get pre-approved so we could start off with a new living arrangement, because let me tell ya... paying $540 just to RENT and APARTMENT is quite ridiculous.
The other news.
I have an interview this Friday at 2:30pm for a position in a veterinarian's office. This is my goal, ladies and gents. I have ALWAYS wanted to work with animals and now I have a pretty decent shot at it. My current place of employment has no idea. Some of the employees that I trust know about it and are supporting me through it, but my office manager and the doctors have no idea. I just feel somewhat like I'm being taken advantage of there. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE the people I work with and I don't HATE my job, but that's just the way I feel. Jipped. I have been there for four years now and have only received a fifty cent pay increase that I had to ASK for. I believe that the work I do there deserves MORE than what I'm making. The vet's office that I applied for will start me at $11-$14 an hour for doing the exact thing I've been doing at the doctor's office for four years. I cannot tell you how much more that is an hour. Ridiculous.
My only worry about moving to a new job is that I've worked up three weeks worth of vacation time. And I'm using 60 hours of that this September for the eight day Caribbean Cruise I'll be going on with my mom. We deserve a good mother-daughter vacation! And as I have never been on a cruise, I am SO excited to spend that much time near the ocean. I LOVE the ocean and I have only seen it once, but it was long enough to fall in love with. Other than that though, it is my only reservation about leaving my current job.
About this project 365...
I know I said I would post a photo every day. And I am doing that! Only it's way easier for me to post them all on Facebook as I go, and then create just one entry here and post them all. I mean, that's 365 photos, guys. That's a LOT. So if you aren't friends with me on Facebook, and would like to be, just shoot me a comment here, or a message and I'll give you access to view the album. :)
On an unrelated, somewhat depressing note.
It has been two years today since my father passed away. I still can't quite fathom that it has been that long already. I miss him every day, but always more around Holidays, the day he passed, and his birthday. Seems only natural, right? I went to see him today. His gravestone is actually my project 365 picture. I left him a message in the snow and talked to him for a little while. It's amazing how easy it is to talk to thin air when you believe that it's actually your loved one. *sigh*
But on that note, I'm finished with this post. Comment away. Or not. This is mainly my place to vent anyway.
-Until next time.
If you haven't noticed, I changed the title of my site from "Me vs. Infertility" to "My life in so many Words..." I like it better, and it makes me feel like I can write about anything opposed to strictly infertility. Speaking of which, my husband and I are taking another month or two off to concentrate on ourselves. I don't think this is a selfish move at all. Part of which means getting life in order before bringing children into the world.
I called my bank this afternoon.
I mentioned trying again to get a pre-approval on a home loan. I say "again" because we tried about six or seven months ago, but my credit was like five points shy. Annoying, but true. So I fixed some issues on the husby's credit report and tackled paying my school loan on time every month. It has been a feat, but I've done it so far! Very proud of myself for that. :) The bank manager gave me a list of things I need to bring when I meet with her tomorrow. The typical stuff, our pay stubs for the last month, our last two bank statements, previous tax returns, our most recent w2s, and anything that may show up on my credit report (ex: that damn Sallie Mae loan). I'm crossing my fingers for this, it would be wonderful to get pre-approved so we could start off with a new living arrangement, because let me tell ya... paying $540 just to RENT and APARTMENT is quite ridiculous.
The other news.
I have an interview this Friday at 2:30pm for a position in a veterinarian's office. This is my goal, ladies and gents. I have ALWAYS wanted to work with animals and now I have a pretty decent shot at it. My current place of employment has no idea. Some of the employees that I trust know about it and are supporting me through it, but my office manager and the doctors have no idea. I just feel somewhat like I'm being taken advantage of there. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE the people I work with and I don't HATE my job, but that's just the way I feel. Jipped. I have been there for four years now and have only received a fifty cent pay increase that I had to ASK for. I believe that the work I do there deserves MORE than what I'm making. The vet's office that I applied for will start me at $11-$14 an hour for doing the exact thing I've been doing at the doctor's office for four years. I cannot tell you how much more that is an hour. Ridiculous.
My only worry about moving to a new job is that I've worked up three weeks worth of vacation time. And I'm using 60 hours of that this September for the eight day Caribbean Cruise I'll be going on with my mom. We deserve a good mother-daughter vacation! And as I have never been on a cruise, I am SO excited to spend that much time near the ocean. I LOVE the ocean and I have only seen it once, but it was long enough to fall in love with. Other than that though, it is my only reservation about leaving my current job. About this project 365...
I know I said I would post a photo every day. And I am doing that! Only it's way easier for me to post them all on Facebook as I go, and then create just one entry here and post them all. I mean, that's 365 photos, guys. That's a LOT. So if you aren't friends with me on Facebook, and would like to be, just shoot me a comment here, or a message and I'll give you access to view the album. :)
On an unrelated, somewhat depressing note.
It has been two years today since my father passed away. I still can't quite fathom that it has been that long already. I miss him every day, but always more around Holidays, the day he passed, and his birthday. Seems only natural, right? I went to see him today. His gravestone is actually my project 365 picture. I left him a message in the snow and talked to him for a little while. It's amazing how easy it is to talk to thin air when you believe that it's actually your loved one. *sigh*
But on that note, I'm finished with this post. Comment away. Or not. This is mainly my place to vent anyway.
-Until next time.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Happy New Year.
...and a partridge in a pear tree...
Christmas has come and gone, my tree is still up, and we still are not pregnant. No worries though. I figure it will happen when it happens. We just can't afford the treatments anymore. So is this me giving up? Kind of, yeah. It would be nice to have children. I would make an excellent mother. But I just don't have the strength to live how I have been living anymore. I need to take care of myself first. So... like every "new year's resolution" in the world... I'll be attempting to lose weight. I've ballooned back up to where I started and I'm killing myself. I really am. The worst part about it is that I KNOW I'm doing it, and am really clueless as to why I just... can't stop... *sigh* So maybe when I drop some weight it will just happen, ya know? *rolls eyes* I'm so over being optimistic...
My new year's resolution...
Project 365. I will take a photo everyday starting on January 1st. It will be of whatever I feel like it should be that day. It might reflect my mood, it might be of me, but I will take a photo EVERY. DAY. Which means I might post EVERY. DAY. And I said MIGHT post. MIGHT.
Hopefully this year treats me better.
I get a little big stronger and a little bit healthier. For me. Here's to change.
-Jess
Christmas has come and gone, my tree is still up, and we still are not pregnant. No worries though. I figure it will happen when it happens. We just can't afford the treatments anymore. So is this me giving up? Kind of, yeah. It would be nice to have children. I would make an excellent mother. But I just don't have the strength to live how I have been living anymore. I need to take care of myself first. So... like every "new year's resolution" in the world... I'll be attempting to lose weight. I've ballooned back up to where I started and I'm killing myself. I really am. The worst part about it is that I KNOW I'm doing it, and am really clueless as to why I just... can't stop... *sigh* So maybe when I drop some weight it will just happen, ya know? *rolls eyes* I'm so over being optimistic...
My new year's resolution...
Project 365. I will take a photo everyday starting on January 1st. It will be of whatever I feel like it should be that day. It might reflect my mood, it might be of me, but I will take a photo EVERY. DAY. Which means I might post EVERY. DAY. And I said MIGHT post. MIGHT.
Hopefully this year treats me better.
I get a little big stronger and a little bit healthier. For me. Here's to change.
-Jess
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Don't think I don't think about it...
Well folks, I think I'm close to breaking down.
I know it has been awhile, and I apologize for that, especially to my family members that follow me on here and like to keep tabs. I'm sorry. With Thanksgiving over with and Christmas rapidly approaching I feel my anxiety level creeping to an all time high. We cannot afford Christmas this year. We can barely buy for the 10 children in our lives, let alone six adults. My mom came up with the idea to give out my baked goodies, which honestly isn't that horrible of an idea, but that's a lot of pressure too! I would have to make sure every cupcake and holiday cookie is pristine and perfectly frosted. *sigh* I don't know, but I'll try it. I'm also not sure if it will "fall on deaf ears" so to speak and not be appreciated. :-/
I love Christmas... I really do...
But I feel like this Christmas is going to suck. I'm a big Bah Humbug this year and I honestly think it's because I miss my dad. I know I spent last Christmas without him... but I was sort of numb the whole first year. Now that I have time to process it... "oh hey, dad's not here" it really sucks. I shouldn't complain. A lot of other people have lost a parent and I know it's not something easily "gotten over," but this REALLY sucks. My grandma is also not going to be able to enjoy the holiday with us. She was diagnosed with ALS and has been progressing very quickly. She can't speak very well, she can't walk, or feed herself, and she has trouble chewing and swallowing. She was also diagnosed with pseudobulbar palsy which causes her to laugh or cry (and I mean SOB) uncontrollably for no reason. It's horrible to see her like this. She was so involved with LIFE. She went to festivals all summer, she was a member of many different city boards and festival boards, she traveled. She was just in Germany! And then from May to November she just... lost everything... I love her a lot. I grew closer to her over the summer (not last, but the one before it) when my husband painted a few things around her house for her. It was nice being able to talk to her and have her tell me things I never knew about her before. And now I feel like I didn't see her enough. I HATE nursing homes. My great grandma passed away in a nursing home and now my only living grandparent is going to pass in one as well. So sorry I'm a Bah Humbug.
The other thing that's been on my mind...
We're still not pregnant. We're taking a break for the months of November and December. I started my cycle yesterday, but it's SUPER light... which is weird, but I'm not worried. It'll pick up. It usually does. I started thinking about the whole "maybe I'm not supposed to have children" thing again. It really does just jump into my head when I'm depressed about something. But surprisingly? I'm getting to the point where that's okay. I'm an amazing aunt... and maybe that's good enough. *shrugs*
Sorry for the no update thing again...
Hopefully this wasn't too terrible for you to read.
I know it has been awhile, and I apologize for that, especially to my family members that follow me on here and like to keep tabs. I'm sorry. With Thanksgiving over with and Christmas rapidly approaching I feel my anxiety level creeping to an all time high. We cannot afford Christmas this year. We can barely buy for the 10 children in our lives, let alone six adults. My mom came up with the idea to give out my baked goodies, which honestly isn't that horrible of an idea, but that's a lot of pressure too! I would have to make sure every cupcake and holiday cookie is pristine and perfectly frosted. *sigh* I don't know, but I'll try it. I'm also not sure if it will "fall on deaf ears" so to speak and not be appreciated. :-/
I love Christmas... I really do...
But I feel like this Christmas is going to suck. I'm a big Bah Humbug this year and I honestly think it's because I miss my dad. I know I spent last Christmas without him... but I was sort of numb the whole first year. Now that I have time to process it... "oh hey, dad's not here" it really sucks. I shouldn't complain. A lot of other people have lost a parent and I know it's not something easily "gotten over," but this REALLY sucks. My grandma is also not going to be able to enjoy the holiday with us. She was diagnosed with ALS and has been progressing very quickly. She can't speak very well, she can't walk, or feed herself, and she has trouble chewing and swallowing. She was also diagnosed with pseudobulbar palsy which causes her to laugh or cry (and I mean SOB) uncontrollably for no reason. It's horrible to see her like this. She was so involved with LIFE. She went to festivals all summer, she was a member of many different city boards and festival boards, she traveled. She was just in Germany! And then from May to November she just... lost everything... I love her a lot. I grew closer to her over the summer (not last, but the one before it) when my husband painted a few things around her house for her. It was nice being able to talk to her and have her tell me things I never knew about her before. And now I feel like I didn't see her enough. I HATE nursing homes. My great grandma passed away in a nursing home and now my only living grandparent is going to pass in one as well. So sorry I'm a Bah Humbug.
The other thing that's been on my mind...
We're still not pregnant. We're taking a break for the months of November and December. I started my cycle yesterday, but it's SUPER light... which is weird, but I'm not worried. It'll pick up. It usually does. I started thinking about the whole "maybe I'm not supposed to have children" thing again. It really does just jump into my head when I'm depressed about something. But surprisingly? I'm getting to the point where that's okay. I'm an amazing aunt... and maybe that's good enough. *shrugs*
Sorry for the no update thing again...
Hopefully this wasn't too terrible for you to read.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
JessaKake's vs. Election.
I really need to open a bakery.
I just made the world's best red velvet cupcakes (homemade of course) accompanied by homemade cream cheese icing. The recipe I have made 32 cupcakes. Now, what the heck am I going to do with that many cupcakes for just my husband and myself? Easy. Give them away. I brought two dozen of the yummy things to work and am down to about ten. All of my coworkers told me "these are amazing!" or "they're perfect!" or "how did you do the icing, because I don't usually like cream cheese icing, but this is really good!"
*sigh* Well... I'll tell you. I'm an evil cupcake baking genius. I'm also an evil cookie baking genius. Or maybe just an evil dessert making genius. Either way, the common denominator is genius. Aside from that though, my coworkers all got me thinking that I should REALLY open up a bakery since all of my sweet treats are usually amazing. I just really don't have the money to do that. How hard to you think it is to get investors? I really just don't want to try this and fail. I don't like to fail... right now it's a good situation. I bake too much, I give the product out for free. Maybe there's some sort of charity I could get involved with and they can benefit from excess yummyness... hmm...
But I really need to think about possibly applying to work at a bakery...
Next topic?
Obama wins president.
I really wanted my cat, Isadore Tyrone, to be the first cat president... but alas he was not elected. Here are my thoughts on this. Izzy is super sad, but I gave him some cat treats and he snapped right out of it... oh, right. Election. Obama. Romney. Etc...
Obama is the president of The United States of America.
This really does not bother me as much as it bothers my coworkers, and they've been annoying me with it all morning. Saying things like, "Oh, I guess we're working for free now!" and "Do we really need to work that hard today?" and "Well I'll be out of a job when Obama Care goes into full swing." "We haven't had a good assassination lately..." Now, my office is entirely (for the most part) made up of die-hard republicans who don't even support that the first openly gay senator was elected into office. They had plenty to say about that as well. And it just aggravates me. I'm over hearing about it.
The way I look at it is that either way the vote would have went there was going to be change in America. Whether it's a good or a bad change remains to be said, but apparently the nation thought that Obama was the right guy for the job. It's not his fault Bush left an eight year disaster for him to clean up. We reelected Bush. We reelected Obama. Get over it. We had the opportunity to change it and we didn't. Even if you voted for Romney, you need to realize that Obama is still president, there's nothing you can do about it, and you should probably lend him (Obama) some support for the next four years, otherwise nothing is going to get done AT ALL.
I don't support Obama Care. I don't support it one bit. I don't like being told that I have to have health insurance or I have to pay a "fine" or "healthcare tax." It's bull. And I doubt that I'll be able to afford said tax, but guess what? There's nothing I can do about it now. So we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I also did not support Romney's anti-abortion stance. And I know what you're thinking... how can I be against life when I'm trying so hard to create it? It's simple. I'm not AGAINST life at all. I'm just pro-choice. I believe if a woman is raped and a child is conceived out of that horrendous act that she has the right to do with her body as she sees fit. If she can't fathom giving birth to a child that in her mind could be "half monster" then she shouldn't have to. Every circumstance is different and that should be taken into consideration. For myself? No. Never would I ever have an abortion or endorse getting one. But I feel like if it's right for that person, then fine. No one should dictate what a woman should do with her body.
This all being said...
America is in for an awakening. Things get worse before they get better. Maybe things will turn around in the next four years, and maybe they won't. But we do know one thing for sure... After this term he's done. He'll be gone...So for now. Lend him some support and suck it up.
Thanks for listening.
Have a cupcake.
I just made the world's best red velvet cupcakes (homemade of course) accompanied by homemade cream cheese icing. The recipe I have made 32 cupcakes. Now, what the heck am I going to do with that many cupcakes for just my husband and myself? Easy. Give them away. I brought two dozen of the yummy things to work and am down to about ten. All of my coworkers told me "these are amazing!" or "they're perfect!" or "how did you do the icing, because I don't usually like cream cheese icing, but this is really good!"
*sigh* Well... I'll tell you. I'm an evil cupcake baking genius. I'm also an evil cookie baking genius. Or maybe just an evil dessert making genius. Either way, the common denominator is genius. Aside from that though, my coworkers all got me thinking that I should REALLY open up a bakery since all of my sweet treats are usually amazing. I just really don't have the money to do that. How hard to you think it is to get investors? I really just don't want to try this and fail. I don't like to fail... right now it's a good situation. I bake too much, I give the product out for free. Maybe there's some sort of charity I could get involved with and they can benefit from excess yummyness... hmm...
But I really need to think about possibly applying to work at a bakery...
Next topic?
Obama wins president.
I really wanted my cat, Isadore Tyrone, to be the first cat president... but alas he was not elected. Here are my thoughts on this. Izzy is super sad, but I gave him some cat treats and he snapped right out of it... oh, right. Election. Obama. Romney. Etc...
Obama is the president of The United States of America.
This really does not bother me as much as it bothers my coworkers, and they've been annoying me with it all morning. Saying things like, "Oh, I guess we're working for free now!" and "Do we really need to work that hard today?" and "Well I'll be out of a job when Obama Care goes into full swing." "We haven't had a good assassination lately..." Now, my office is entirely (for the most part) made up of die-hard republicans who don't even support that the first openly gay senator was elected into office. They had plenty to say about that as well. And it just aggravates me. I'm over hearing about it.
The way I look at it is that either way the vote would have went there was going to be change in America. Whether it's a good or a bad change remains to be said, but apparently the nation thought that Obama was the right guy for the job. It's not his fault Bush left an eight year disaster for him to clean up. We reelected Bush. We reelected Obama. Get over it. We had the opportunity to change it and we didn't. Even if you voted for Romney, you need to realize that Obama is still president, there's nothing you can do about it, and you should probably lend him (Obama) some support for the next four years, otherwise nothing is going to get done AT ALL.
I don't support Obama Care. I don't support it one bit. I don't like being told that I have to have health insurance or I have to pay a "fine" or "healthcare tax." It's bull. And I doubt that I'll be able to afford said tax, but guess what? There's nothing I can do about it now. So we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I also did not support Romney's anti-abortion stance. And I know what you're thinking... how can I be against life when I'm trying so hard to create it? It's simple. I'm not AGAINST life at all. I'm just pro-choice. I believe if a woman is raped and a child is conceived out of that horrendous act that she has the right to do with her body as she sees fit. If she can't fathom giving birth to a child that in her mind could be "half monster" then she shouldn't have to. Every circumstance is different and that should be taken into consideration. For myself? No. Never would I ever have an abortion or endorse getting one. But I feel like if it's right for that person, then fine. No one should dictate what a woman should do with her body.
This all being said...
America is in for an awakening. Things get worse before they get better. Maybe things will turn around in the next four years, and maybe they won't. But we do know one thing for sure... After this term he's done. He'll be gone...So for now. Lend him some support and suck it up.
Thanks for listening.
Have a cupcake.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Happy Halloween!
Halloween is probably my favorite holiday.
Seriously. I love it more than Christmas. It's the one holiday that I can dress like a complete fool and get away with it. My costume this year was an "80's chick." That's what I dubbed it at least. We have a Halloween Costume Contest every year at work. And I REALLY thought I had it in the bag this year... I was creative, colorful (who wasn't in the 80's?!), and my make-up was adorable... and then... my coworker, walked into the building.
First of all... I work in a pediatrician's office.
Secondly... we see a variety of all kinds of things from chicken pox, fevers, coughing, allergic reactions, bug bites, etc... I could go on forever. Now... my coworker won last year dressed as Cruella DeVille. She looked FABULOUS... so naturally I wanted her to win. Well... this year she came dressed as a BEDBUG. A freaking bedbug. I knew I lost at that moment. Who dresses as a bedbug?! GRRRR!!!! I'm just mad I'm not that creative. She was dressed in pajama bottoms, slippers, a comfy tshirt, with a red robe over the top. Then she made a giant brown bug body and put half of it on the front of her robe and the other half on the back. Complete with little black antennae and blood around her mouth from "sucking blood from unsuspecting sleepers."
Anyway... I'll let you judge. I'm on the left. She's on the right. :)
Happy Halloween!!!
**UPDATE** : I won by ONE VOTE!!!! CRAZY!!!!
Seriously. I love it more than Christmas. It's the one holiday that I can dress like a complete fool and get away with it. My costume this year was an "80's chick." That's what I dubbed it at least. We have a Halloween Costume Contest every year at work. And I REALLY thought I had it in the bag this year... I was creative, colorful (who wasn't in the 80's?!), and my make-up was adorable... and then... my coworker, walked into the building.
First of all... I work in a pediatrician's office.
Secondly... we see a variety of all kinds of things from chicken pox, fevers, coughing, allergic reactions, bug bites, etc... I could go on forever. Now... my coworker won last year dressed as Cruella DeVille. She looked FABULOUS... so naturally I wanted her to win. Well... this year she came dressed as a BEDBUG. A freaking bedbug. I knew I lost at that moment. Who dresses as a bedbug?! GRRRR!!!! I'm just mad I'm not that creative. She was dressed in pajama bottoms, slippers, a comfy tshirt, with a red robe over the top. Then she made a giant brown bug body and put half of it on the front of her robe and the other half on the back. Complete with little black antennae and blood around her mouth from "sucking blood from unsuspecting sleepers."
Anyway... I'll let you judge. I'm on the left. She's on the right. :)
Happy Halloween!!!
**UPDATE** : I won by ONE VOTE!!!! CRAZY!!!!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Give me a break.
Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar.
My "October break" resulted in a negative. I was so positive about this cycle too! I had two really good follicles, and my husband had a good count... but alas. Negative. :( Now we seriously ARE taking a break. Not just telling people we are. It's frustrating... so, so frustrating. I know this is a good thing though, especially for my mental health, my emotional health, and my financial circumstances. This really is taking a toll on our bank account.
Talk about a stress relief.
When I talked to the doctor on Monday I told them that I had started my cycle and taken two home pregnancy tests (both being negative). I also asked if it would be okay if my husband and I took a "break" for a couple months. Just until the holidays and the stress ball that is Christmas is over with. They said that it was fine to do that and that it wouldn't alter my treatment plan in any way. I would be fine to pick up right where I left off as soon as I wanted to. I told them I would most likely call them in January. They also said if we were to conceive on our own during our two month hiatus to call them and they'll monitor me for the first twelve weeks.
The good news?
I know around the time I ovulate now, BUT that is while on medication. I won't be on my fertility drugs (Ovidrel & Gonal-F) during the break. I will however continue to take my Metformin, Aspirin, Prenatal, Co-Q10, and any other vitamins I want to take. I also plan on continuing my Clomid. I'll start that tomorrow. Just because I know it will help me to ovulate. I may not be triggering my ovulation, but I know I'll ovulate and possibly conceive on our own. I'm just really not thinking it will happen like that. I honestly think that it's going to take IVF to get my hostile uterus to accept pregnancy. *sigh* Not saying I have a hostile uterus or anything... but if the shoe fits I might as well wear it.
I am welcoming this REAL LIVE break with open arms.
This way I can concentrate on buying Christmas presents for my four nephews, three nieces, my five sisters-in-law, two brothers-in-law, three brothers, mother, mother-in-law, father-in-law and my husband. My husband will normally help me with shopping for the younger kids... two of my sisters-in-law are under the age of 16, as well as one of my brothers-in-law. The rest are older and have kids of their own (the nieces and nephews). My husband has an American family, what can I say? I just have my three brothers. :)
Needless to say, I have plenty of children to hold me over on holidays until I have my own.
My "October break" resulted in a negative. I was so positive about this cycle too! I had two really good follicles, and my husband had a good count... but alas. Negative. :( Now we seriously ARE taking a break. Not just telling people we are. It's frustrating... so, so frustrating. I know this is a good thing though, especially for my mental health, my emotional health, and my financial circumstances. This really is taking a toll on our bank account.
Talk about a stress relief.
When I talked to the doctor on Monday I told them that I had started my cycle and taken two home pregnancy tests (both being negative). I also asked if it would be okay if my husband and I took a "break" for a couple months. Just until the holidays and the stress ball that is Christmas is over with. They said that it was fine to do that and that it wouldn't alter my treatment plan in any way. I would be fine to pick up right where I left off as soon as I wanted to. I told them I would most likely call them in January. They also said if we were to conceive on our own during our two month hiatus to call them and they'll monitor me for the first twelve weeks.
The good news?
I know around the time I ovulate now, BUT that is while on medication. I won't be on my fertility drugs (Ovidrel & Gonal-F) during the break. I will however continue to take my Metformin, Aspirin, Prenatal, Co-Q10, and any other vitamins I want to take. I also plan on continuing my Clomid. I'll start that tomorrow. Just because I know it will help me to ovulate. I may not be triggering my ovulation, but I know I'll ovulate and possibly conceive on our own. I'm just really not thinking it will happen like that. I honestly think that it's going to take IVF to get my hostile uterus to accept pregnancy. *sigh* Not saying I have a hostile uterus or anything... but if the shoe fits I might as well wear it.
I am welcoming this REAL LIVE break with open arms.
This way I can concentrate on buying Christmas presents for my four nephews, three nieces, my five sisters-in-law, two brothers-in-law, three brothers, mother, mother-in-law, father-in-law and my husband. My husband will normally help me with shopping for the younger kids... two of my sisters-in-law are under the age of 16, as well as one of my brothers-in-law. The rest are older and have kids of their own (the nieces and nephews). My husband has an American family, what can I say? I just have my three brothers. :)
Needless to say, I have plenty of children to hold me over on holidays until I have my own.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Jessica Ridgeway.
This has nothing to do with infertility.
I need to discuss this, because it's something I think about almost constantly. I've been following the case of a missing child from Colorado named Jessica Ridgeway. Police have found a body, but have not released/said whether or not it is Jessica's body that they found. This is terrible in and of itself that it may NOT be Jessica since it would mean that another ten year old blonde haired girl was found dead. I pray for the family that one of two things happens. They FIND Jessica. And that whatever the outcome the family will have peace and JUSTICE. The sad part about an open forum at the end of online articles is this: people have the nerve to blame the parents for her disappearance.
I can't stress this enough.
People are not perfect. Parents are not perfect. Jessica is ten years old. She left for school to meet her friends at a park where they would then all walk together. The school called Jessica's mother shortly after 8:00am to report that she wasn't there. The mother missed the phone call and didn't get the message until she woke up at 4:00pm. This woman works third shift to provide for her family. And it sounds terrible and people want to know how you can "miss" a phone call. Easy... you're tired. You don't HEAR the phone. I, for one, do NOT blame this mother. It is NOT her fault Jessica got abducted by a monster.
Here is my point of all of this.
Jessica is ten years old. She walked to school every day before this. Her mother trusted her enough to get there, and she DID. When I was ten years old my mother trusted the same of me. I walked roughly a quarter mile to and from school every day without a second thought. My mother let my brother and I play outside unattended as long as we were out front and she could occasionally glance out and see us. If we weren't right out front we were probably down the street or easily within ear shot. I cannot believe how times have changed. This mother was probably trusted to walk to and from school herself so she saw nothing wrong with letting her daughter walk to school unattended. I see nothing wrong with it, but times HAVE changed. And it's a HORRIBLE circumstance when you realize it too late. I can't fathom what possess people to molest innocent children. To abduct innocent children and murder them for some sick obsession. I hope the mother of Jessica Ridgeway receives justice for her daughter. Whether she is found dead or alive. And I pray that she finds comfort during this horrific time in her life.
Jessica is 4'10," 80 pounds, has shoulder-length blonde hair, blue eyes
and was last seen wearing a black jacket with pink and purple
eyeglasses.
Anyone with any information is being asked to call the Westminster Police tip line: 303-658-4336 or email PDamberalert@cityofwestminster.us.
I need to discuss this, because it's something I think about almost constantly. I've been following the case of a missing child from Colorado named Jessica Ridgeway. Police have found a body, but have not released/said whether or not it is Jessica's body that they found. This is terrible in and of itself that it may NOT be Jessica since it would mean that another ten year old blonde haired girl was found dead. I pray for the family that one of two things happens. They FIND Jessica. And that whatever the outcome the family will have peace and JUSTICE. The sad part about an open forum at the end of online articles is this: people have the nerve to blame the parents for her disappearance.
I can't stress this enough.
People are not perfect. Parents are not perfect. Jessica is ten years old. She left for school to meet her friends at a park where they would then all walk together. The school called Jessica's mother shortly after 8:00am to report that she wasn't there. The mother missed the phone call and didn't get the message until she woke up at 4:00pm. This woman works third shift to provide for her family. And it sounds terrible and people want to know how you can "miss" a phone call. Easy... you're tired. You don't HEAR the phone. I, for one, do NOT blame this mother. It is NOT her fault Jessica got abducted by a monster.
Here is my point of all of this.
Jessica is ten years old. She walked to school every day before this. Her mother trusted her enough to get there, and she DID. When I was ten years old my mother trusted the same of me. I walked roughly a quarter mile to and from school every day without a second thought. My mother let my brother and I play outside unattended as long as we were out front and she could occasionally glance out and see us. If we weren't right out front we were probably down the street or easily within ear shot. I cannot believe how times have changed. This mother was probably trusted to walk to and from school herself so she saw nothing wrong with letting her daughter walk to school unattended. I see nothing wrong with it, but times HAVE changed. And it's a HORRIBLE circumstance when you realize it too late. I can't fathom what possess people to molest innocent children. To abduct innocent children and murder them for some sick obsession. I hope the mother of Jessica Ridgeway receives justice for her daughter. Whether she is found dead or alive. And I pray that she finds comfort during this horrific time in her life.
Anyone with any information is being asked to call the Westminster Police tip line: 303-658-4336 or email PDamberalert@cityofwestminster.us.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Stimming and Baby dust.
Long time. I know.
At least it feels like I haven't written in forever. I told everyone we were "taking a break," when in reality we really aren't. It's super less stressful on me. So as a result my body has responded amazingly to the medication. I took Clomid starting on September 30th through October 3rd then I started my injectable drugs on the 3rd as well. I have been taking them like clockwork every day and am very proud of myself. They have me on Gonal-f. My only complaint (other than stabbing myself in the belly with a needle every day) is the BRUISING that comes with it. Usually I will just bruise a tiny bit by the injection site and it's gone in two days, but yesterday I noticed that I have a gigantic bruise. It's purple-blue and very not pretty to look it. But it's not painful. I do think I'll avoid my right side for the remainder of the injections. Luckily for me my last injection of the medication is tomorrow. They had me on a low dose to begin with at only 37.5 units until yesterday.
My estrogen level came back at 77.
They told me this was good, but the doctor wanted to raise my dosage of the Gonal-f to 75 units for yesterday and today. Then on Wednesday he wants me to dose myself at 150 units and then take my Ovidrel injection that night as well at 10:00pm. This cycle has gone SUPER fast. I only had to go get my follicles checked once when normally I go two-four additional times to recheck them. As of yesterday at 8:15am I have one follicle measuring at 16mm and a second at 12mm. By Wednesday they should both be mature enough to release an egg. I also have a smaller 7-8mm folly on the other side that COULD grow as well, but it isn't as likely. It was actually quite comical yesterday when my doctor told me I responded beautifully and that he didn't need to have me come back at all. He scheduled the IUI for this Friday at 10:00am. My husband has his appointment at 8:00am. It's just really crazy that I didn't have to go back for a recheck. I still can't wrap my head all the way around that. I actually had to call my pharmacy to have my Ovidrel shipped out yesterday for today instead of Wednesday for Thursday. I was totally not prepared to have them tell me that I'll trigger Wednesday.
Keeping fingers crossed.
If pregnancy does NOT happen this month. We really ARE taking a break... especially with the holidays fast approaching we don't want to be super stressed out. So this is our last attempt until January. Wish us luck and baby dust please. :)
At least it feels like I haven't written in forever. I told everyone we were "taking a break," when in reality we really aren't. It's super less stressful on me. So as a result my body has responded amazingly to the medication. I took Clomid starting on September 30th through October 3rd then I started my injectable drugs on the 3rd as well. I have been taking them like clockwork every day and am very proud of myself. They have me on Gonal-f. My only complaint (other than stabbing myself in the belly with a needle every day) is the BRUISING that comes with it. Usually I will just bruise a tiny bit by the injection site and it's gone in two days, but yesterday I noticed that I have a gigantic bruise. It's purple-blue and very not pretty to look it. But it's not painful. I do think I'll avoid my right side for the remainder of the injections. Luckily for me my last injection of the medication is tomorrow. They had me on a low dose to begin with at only 37.5 units until yesterday.
My estrogen level came back at 77.
They told me this was good, but the doctor wanted to raise my dosage of the Gonal-f to 75 units for yesterday and today. Then on Wednesday he wants me to dose myself at 150 units and then take my Ovidrel injection that night as well at 10:00pm. This cycle has gone SUPER fast. I only had to go get my follicles checked once when normally I go two-four additional times to recheck them. As of yesterday at 8:15am I have one follicle measuring at 16mm and a second at 12mm. By Wednesday they should both be mature enough to release an egg. I also have a smaller 7-8mm folly on the other side that COULD grow as well, but it isn't as likely. It was actually quite comical yesterday when my doctor told me I responded beautifully and that he didn't need to have me come back at all. He scheduled the IUI for this Friday at 10:00am. My husband has his appointment at 8:00am. It's just really crazy that I didn't have to go back for a recheck. I still can't wrap my head all the way around that. I actually had to call my pharmacy to have my Ovidrel shipped out yesterday for today instead of Wednesday for Thursday. I was totally not prepared to have them tell me that I'll trigger Wednesday.
Keeping fingers crossed.
If pregnancy does NOT happen this month. We really ARE taking a break... especially with the holidays fast approaching we don't want to be super stressed out. So this is our last attempt until January. Wish us luck and baby dust please. :)
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Fertility Friend.
I've been using this dumb website...
I say "dumb website" because I don't understand it. I have all of my information plugged in since June, but it's telling me that for this cycle there is "no ovulation predicted." Well why not? If this site is so smart and uses patterns to detect ovulation then it should tell me something, right?! It DID tell me that my cycles run an average of 30-32 days though, which is normal for women with PCOS. It makes ovulation detection a bitch though... clearly. I'm also only on cycle day number TWO! So I've got a long way to go... it does have little colored boxes around October 8th through 10th with another different colored box around October 26th. So I think it's predicting my ovulation and when I should take a pregnancy test... even though it's telling me it's NOT. Stupid website... Oh by the way, the pregnancy test (for this round) was negative... if that wasn't obvious from the start.
So we enter round four.
When the nurse called me with my progesterone results and they were only at 6, let's just say I was a little less than optimistic that our trial at home was successful. I was crossing my fingers and toes and eyes and anything that would cross, but it didn't matter. *sigh* I had a talk with my husband about taking a break. He's okay with it, but I think he's okay with whatever I want to do. And I want a break. I think. I'm on such a high dosage of Clomid that I'm worried about over stimulation; my poor ovaries need a break. I don't think they've worked this hard EVER. My husband reassured me two weeks ago that he's "okay with not having kids." Well... I'm not okay with that. This is kind of a deal breaker for me. I've wanted children since I can remember and if I can't have my own I want to adopt or foster. And he does not want to do either of those things. It makes me sad and frustrated because I know he knows I feel about children... anyway, moving on.
I'm going to talk to my doctor at my ultrasound.
I figure I'll go ahead and go in and make sure my ovaries are okay, my lining is fine, etc. My period is being wacky. I started spotting on the 23rd, then it got a little heavier on the 24th, but still VERY light. Yesterday was more consistent, but also LIGHT and today was super light to non-existent spotty like. BUT my two home pregnancy tests came back negative so I don't know what my body is doing. No cramps either. It's annoying. But anyway, I'm definitely going to talk to my doctor at the ultrasound and see if he recommends me taking a month off or not. He wants to put my on injectables. Whatever those are... I'm sure we'll discuss those as well. I'm leaning more toward a break and THEN jumping into the injectable drugs, but I don't want my body to just stop working and go back to it's non-ovulatory state. Which it might be doing with this light spotting crap.
Who knew having a baby would be this hard.
I say "dumb website" because I don't understand it. I have all of my information plugged in since June, but it's telling me that for this cycle there is "no ovulation predicted." Well why not? If this site is so smart and uses patterns to detect ovulation then it should tell me something, right?! It DID tell me that my cycles run an average of 30-32 days though, which is normal for women with PCOS. It makes ovulation detection a bitch though... clearly. I'm also only on cycle day number TWO! So I've got a long way to go... it does have little colored boxes around October 8th through 10th with another different colored box around October 26th. So I think it's predicting my ovulation and when I should take a pregnancy test... even though it's telling me it's NOT. Stupid website... Oh by the way, the pregnancy test (for this round) was negative... if that wasn't obvious from the start.
So we enter round four.
When the nurse called me with my progesterone results and they were only at 6, let's just say I was a little less than optimistic that our trial at home was successful. I was crossing my fingers and toes and eyes and anything that would cross, but it didn't matter. *sigh* I had a talk with my husband about taking a break. He's okay with it, but I think he's okay with whatever I want to do. And I want a break. I think. I'm on such a high dosage of Clomid that I'm worried about over stimulation; my poor ovaries need a break. I don't think they've worked this hard EVER. My husband reassured me two weeks ago that he's "okay with not having kids." Well... I'm not okay with that. This is kind of a deal breaker for me. I've wanted children since I can remember and if I can't have my own I want to adopt or foster. And he does not want to do either of those things. It makes me sad and frustrated because I know he knows I feel about children... anyway, moving on.
I'm going to talk to my doctor at my ultrasound.
I figure I'll go ahead and go in and make sure my ovaries are okay, my lining is fine, etc. My period is being wacky. I started spotting on the 23rd, then it got a little heavier on the 24th, but still VERY light. Yesterday was more consistent, but also LIGHT and today was super light to non-existent spotty like. BUT my two home pregnancy tests came back negative so I don't know what my body is doing. No cramps either. It's annoying. But anyway, I'm definitely going to talk to my doctor at the ultrasound and see if he recommends me taking a month off or not. He wants to put my on injectables. Whatever those are... I'm sure we'll discuss those as well. I'm leaning more toward a break and THEN jumping into the injectable drugs, but I don't want my body to just stop working and go back to it's non-ovulatory state. Which it might be doing with this light spotting crap.
Who knew having a baby would be this hard.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I'm Going Gray...
Seriously.
I had an ultrasound on Thursday, September 6th to check out my follicles after increasing my Clomid dosage to 200mg. Results? 11mm. SERIOUSLY? 11 freaking millimeters. AND I only (again) had one follicle that looked like it was growing. I expected more. I was disappointed. My lining was also thinner than they wanted it to be. So...they had me go back for a second ultrasound on Saturday, September 8th to make sure, for certain, that my 11mm follicle was indeed growing and not just staying put. They told me it wasn't uncommon for women with PCOS to ovulate later in their cycles and that I shouldn't be discouraged at all. So I went in on Saturday and my follicle grew to 14mm and my lining thickened up. (Woo hoo)! I had to go back for a third ultrasound on Monday, September 10th. At this point I was annoyed with it, and totally expected my follicle to be around the 16-17mm mark.
Imagine my surprise...
My follicle grew to 19mm. I think my eyes were as big as saucers when he said that. I can only imagine. The doctor told me that once a follicle decides to go, they go! And can grow up to 3mm a day, which is what mine did. I was still surprised. He told me to wait until Tuesday (yesterday) before giving myself my Ovidrel injection. That way my follicle would be in the 20-22mm range. He then told us to try for pregnancy yesterday, which didn't happen because my husband wanted to watch Sons of Anarchy instead, and by the time he came to bed I was asleep. And to try tonight (Wednesday). Now... according to all my research I will ovulate 24-40 hours after my injection. So... baby dancing tonight is a must. We're trying on our own this time for two factors. Cost is the main reason, and the other is just to try on our own after two failed IUIs. I REALLY really don't want this third try to be a bust though. I get that there's a lot of pressure on my husband... but I will be so upset if this just doesn't happen (sort of like last night). It's semi-frustrating to me to know that he'd rather watch the premier of a TV show than to try to grow our family...
What can I do though...
This whole process is becoming a nightmare. I knew it would be tough, and that it wouldn't happen "overnight," but I didn't count on the whole mood swings are ridiculous while on all these medications thing. I get frustrated super easily (which may be why I was upset about last night), and I have anxiety about things I wouldn't normally feel anxious about. I feel like more and more gray hair is sprouting on my head. I pulled one out today. Have you ever noticed that gray hair is SUPER STRONG opposed to your natural hair color? It's like... thicker and has a rougher texture. At least my "gray" hair is a pretty silver color and not dull at all. Maybe I'll just let the gray take over. Who knows. I just hope that this gets easier. And that the stupid pregnancy test reads positive.
I had an ultrasound on Thursday, September 6th to check out my follicles after increasing my Clomid dosage to 200mg. Results? 11mm. SERIOUSLY? 11 freaking millimeters. AND I only (again) had one follicle that looked like it was growing. I expected more. I was disappointed. My lining was also thinner than they wanted it to be. So...they had me go back for a second ultrasound on Saturday, September 8th to make sure, for certain, that my 11mm follicle was indeed growing and not just staying put. They told me it wasn't uncommon for women with PCOS to ovulate later in their cycles and that I shouldn't be discouraged at all. So I went in on Saturday and my follicle grew to 14mm and my lining thickened up. (Woo hoo)! I had to go back for a third ultrasound on Monday, September 10th. At this point I was annoyed with it, and totally expected my follicle to be around the 16-17mm mark.
Imagine my surprise...
My follicle grew to 19mm. I think my eyes were as big as saucers when he said that. I can only imagine. The doctor told me that once a follicle decides to go, they go! And can grow up to 3mm a day, which is what mine did. I was still surprised. He told me to wait until Tuesday (yesterday) before giving myself my Ovidrel injection. That way my follicle would be in the 20-22mm range. He then told us to try for pregnancy yesterday, which didn't happen because my husband wanted to watch Sons of Anarchy instead, and by the time he came to bed I was asleep. And to try tonight (Wednesday). Now... according to all my research I will ovulate 24-40 hours after my injection. So... baby dancing tonight is a must. We're trying on our own this time for two factors. Cost is the main reason, and the other is just to try on our own after two failed IUIs. I REALLY really don't want this third try to be a bust though. I get that there's a lot of pressure on my husband... but I will be so upset if this just doesn't happen (sort of like last night). It's semi-frustrating to me to know that he'd rather watch the premier of a TV show than to try to grow our family...
What can I do though...
This whole process is becoming a nightmare. I knew it would be tough, and that it wouldn't happen "overnight," but I didn't count on the whole mood swings are ridiculous while on all these medications thing. I get frustrated super easily (which may be why I was upset about last night), and I have anxiety about things I wouldn't normally feel anxious about. I feel like more and more gray hair is sprouting on my head. I pulled one out today. Have you ever noticed that gray hair is SUPER STRONG opposed to your natural hair color? It's like... thicker and has a rougher texture. At least my "gray" hair is a pretty silver color and not dull at all. Maybe I'll just let the gray take over. Who knows. I just hope that this gets easier. And that the stupid pregnancy test reads positive.
Friday, August 31, 2012
So we're going to try something new...
Timed Intercourse.
This post may be considered "TMI" if the word intercourse offends you. If this is the case, stop reading now. Otherwise... please continue. I say this because I know some people don't like reading the word sex, or intercourse. They don't like thinking about sex, or they basically just get uncomfortable about the whole thing in general, so this is your final warning.
My husband has decided.
We discussed, in a little bit of length, the possibility of trying Timed Intercourse. We have NOT discussed this with my doctor however, but I don't think it would cause too much of an issue. Either way we're trying for a baby. We're just opting to run the whole marathon as opposed to the short sprint. Plus... we have money to think about.
Let me break this down, so you get it.
From the wonderful movie, Bridesmaids, "Help me, I'm poor." :)
Now, we aren't POOR poor... just working middle class. But that doesn't change the fact that money does not grow on trees and we have limited funds to work with. Every ultrasound that I have costs me a copay of $20 at the time of my visit. I have two ultrasounds a cycle, $40. Plus if insurance kicks back and says they won't cover that, I also owe anything that comes back. $40 doesn't seem too bad. And it's not. It's what comes after that that gets us.
These are rounded to the nearest dollar and are one cycle's worth, or one month's worth, of costs.
Medication:Metformin - $13.00
Clomid - $50.00
Thyroid - $8.00
Ovdrel - $150.00
Progesterone (possibility) - 198.00
We are at $221.00 without the progesterone. Add that in and we are at $419.00 in medication costs ALONE. I haven't even listed the prices for IUI and my husband's sperm washing.
IUI - $185.00
Sperm Wash - $150.00
Total cost - $335.00
So $221.00 and $335.00 gets me $556.00 Add in the possible progesterone = $754.00. (not including the original $40 for ultrasound copayments!)
Every cycle.
So I have the option of saving $335.00 this cycle. We're doing it. A lot of people I know think that people who undergo Fertility Treatments are RICH. I am not rich. I don't have nice cars or fancy clothes. I live in an APARTMENT that is messy more often than not. I work 40 hours a week to barely scrape by on bill payments. But I will do whatever I can to have a child of my own. I dropped my medical insurance at work because they weren't covering the treatments anyway, so what was the point of paying $600 a MONTH to have insurance I couldn't even use? Right. Exactly. It just really bugs me when people have this assumption that the people who undergo fertility treatments are rich.
We just need a little help.
So the husband and I are doing Timed Intercourse this cycle. I told my mom, "who freakin' knows. It'll probably work this time." And ya know what? The odds are almost identical to each other. You only have a 20% chance of conception each ovulation period. And did you know that sperm actually live longer when they are not processed and washed in a sterile solution? A normal, unwashed sperm can live up to five days inside of a woman. A washed sperm has a life span of 24-48 hours. Don't know about you, but I'll try the five days this round. Hopefully I'll have some positive news to report next post!
This post may be considered "TMI" if the word intercourse offends you. If this is the case, stop reading now. Otherwise... please continue. I say this because I know some people don't like reading the word sex, or intercourse. They don't like thinking about sex, or they basically just get uncomfortable about the whole thing in general, so this is your final warning.
My husband has decided.
We discussed, in a little bit of length, the possibility of trying Timed Intercourse. We have NOT discussed this with my doctor however, but I don't think it would cause too much of an issue. Either way we're trying for a baby. We're just opting to run the whole marathon as opposed to the short sprint. Plus... we have money to think about.
Let me break this down, so you get it.
From the wonderful movie, Bridesmaids, "Help me, I'm poor." :)
Now, we aren't POOR poor... just working middle class. But that doesn't change the fact that money does not grow on trees and we have limited funds to work with. Every ultrasound that I have costs me a copay of $20 at the time of my visit. I have two ultrasounds a cycle, $40. Plus if insurance kicks back and says they won't cover that, I also owe anything that comes back. $40 doesn't seem too bad. And it's not. It's what comes after that that gets us.
These are rounded to the nearest dollar and are one cycle's worth, or one month's worth, of costs.
Medication:Metformin - $13.00
Clomid - $50.00
Thyroid - $8.00
Ovdrel - $150.00
Progesterone (possibility) - 198.00
We are at $221.00 without the progesterone. Add that in and we are at $419.00 in medication costs ALONE. I haven't even listed the prices for IUI and my husband's sperm washing.
IUI - $185.00
Sperm Wash - $150.00
Total cost - $335.00
So $221.00 and $335.00 gets me $556.00 Add in the possible progesterone = $754.00. (not including the original $40 for ultrasound copayments!)
Every cycle.
So I have the option of saving $335.00 this cycle. We're doing it. A lot of people I know think that people who undergo Fertility Treatments are RICH. I am not rich. I don't have nice cars or fancy clothes. I live in an APARTMENT that is messy more often than not. I work 40 hours a week to barely scrape by on bill payments. But I will do whatever I can to have a child of my own. I dropped my medical insurance at work because they weren't covering the treatments anyway, so what was the point of paying $600 a MONTH to have insurance I couldn't even use? Right. Exactly. It just really bugs me when people have this assumption that the people who undergo fertility treatments are rich.
We just need a little help.
So the husband and I are doing Timed Intercourse this cycle. I told my mom, "who freakin' knows. It'll probably work this time." And ya know what? The odds are almost identical to each other. You only have a 20% chance of conception each ovulation period. And did you know that sperm actually live longer when they are not processed and washed in a sterile solution? A normal, unwashed sperm can live up to five days inside of a woman. A washed sperm has a life span of 24-48 hours. Don't know about you, but I'll try the five days this round. Hopefully I'll have some positive news to report next post!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Negatory, Batman.
Boo.
That's basically how I feel about Monday. Blegh and Boo. All wrapped up together into a tight little ball of BleghBoo-ness. *sigh* I was supposed to be taking a pregnancy test today. Supposed to as in I didn't. Reason being? I started my period on August 24th. Honestly? I was sort of relieved by it in a sense that I've been "like clockwork" for the past three months. That means I'm working. I'm functioning at 100% capacity. All systems are go. Woo hoo! But then it means that I'm not pregnant. Which is sad. And annoying. And all of my hormonal imbalances where I cried about golden retrievers running onto baseball fields meant nothing.
Boo.
I did go to the doctor today though. Since I did start my cycle they wanted to do their obligatory ultrasound for cyst checking as soon as possible. And also to make SURE SURE that I wasn't pregnant by poking my poor poor vein for the 82nd time. So technically I guess I DID do a pregnancy test today. *rolls eyes* I still don't understand why they can't just check while they have an ultrasound wand up my hoo-ha. Sorry... anyway... the results are in! And I have one 16mm cyst on my right ovary. It's really not that big, but it looked humongous on the little black and white screen. I grabbed a ruler and measured it out.
______ <-- That is a 16mm line. I think. I just held my piece of cyst paper up to the computer screen. So there you go. *shrugs*
The doctor told me that since there is only one cyst and not a cluster of them, and it's not round in shape (it's oblong), it means that the cyst is basically folding in on itself. Or dissipating. Or going BYE BYE! And since it looks like it IS doing that he is okay with moving forward with round three of stimulation. Hello 200mg of Clomid! Looking forward to meeting you! I'm okay with this though... Even though I responded "wonderfully" to the 150mg of Clomid, I still only produced one mature follicle. What they're hoping happens is that I'll respond double wonderfully to the 200mg and produce at least two or possible three mature follicles. This is where my multiple meter would increase. This is where my possibility of twins may become a reality.
Third time's the charm!
I'm trying very hard to remain upbeat. I keep telling myself, "Jessika... you've been trying for three years by yourself, what's three more months?" Well... three months is 25% of a year. And I really don't want to move past a complete fourth year. And I KNOW people try for more than ten years sometimes, but I don't know if I can. I feel like this is taking so much out of me sometimes and nobody REALLY gets it. Unless they have actually struggled with infertility they don't understand. They don't understand the financial strain, the emotional toll it takes on you and your family, the pain and frustration after each negative result, the constant mood swings due to medication. They can say the understand all they want... but they don't. I'm lucky I have the support system I have. Both at home and at work. I love the people in my life right now and wouldn't trade them for anything. Well... except maybe a baby, but that's illegal. ;o) I know some of my coworkers follow this blog, and I'm so grateful for that... it may not reflect on my "followers list," but I know they're there. That's all that matters. And one day... (hopefully soon!) that pregnancy test will say positive.
Then my baseball playing golden retrievers will mean everything.
That's basically how I feel about Monday. Blegh and Boo. All wrapped up together into a tight little ball of BleghBoo-ness. *sigh* I was supposed to be taking a pregnancy test today. Supposed to as in I didn't. Reason being? I started my period on August 24th. Honestly? I was sort of relieved by it in a sense that I've been "like clockwork" for the past three months. That means I'm working. I'm functioning at 100% capacity. All systems are go. Woo hoo! But then it means that I'm not pregnant. Which is sad. And annoying. And all of my hormonal imbalances where I cried about golden retrievers running onto baseball fields meant nothing.
Boo.
I did go to the doctor today though. Since I did start my cycle they wanted to do their obligatory ultrasound for cyst checking as soon as possible. And also to make SURE SURE that I wasn't pregnant by poking my poor poor vein for the 82nd time. So technically I guess I DID do a pregnancy test today. *rolls eyes* I still don't understand why they can't just check while they have an ultrasound wand up my hoo-ha. Sorry... anyway... the results are in! And I have one 16mm cyst on my right ovary. It's really not that big, but it looked humongous on the little black and white screen. I grabbed a ruler and measured it out.
______ <-- That is a 16mm line. I think. I just held my piece of cyst paper up to the computer screen. So there you go. *shrugs*
The doctor told me that since there is only one cyst and not a cluster of them, and it's not round in shape (it's oblong), it means that the cyst is basically folding in on itself. Or dissipating. Or going BYE BYE! And since it looks like it IS doing that he is okay with moving forward with round three of stimulation. Hello 200mg of Clomid! Looking forward to meeting you! I'm okay with this though... Even though I responded "wonderfully" to the 150mg of Clomid, I still only produced one mature follicle. What they're hoping happens is that I'll respond double wonderfully to the 200mg and produce at least two or possible three mature follicles. This is where my multiple meter would increase. This is where my possibility of twins may become a reality.
Third time's the charm!
I'm trying very hard to remain upbeat. I keep telling myself, "Jessika... you've been trying for three years by yourself, what's three more months?" Well... three months is 25% of a year. And I really don't want to move past a complete fourth year. And I KNOW people try for more than ten years sometimes, but I don't know if I can. I feel like this is taking so much out of me sometimes and nobody REALLY gets it. Unless they have actually struggled with infertility they don't understand. They don't understand the financial strain, the emotional toll it takes on you and your family, the pain and frustration after each negative result, the constant mood swings due to medication. They can say the understand all they want... but they don't. I'm lucky I have the support system I have. Both at home and at work. I love the people in my life right now and wouldn't trade them for anything. Well... except maybe a baby, but that's illegal. ;o) I know some of my coworkers follow this blog, and I'm so grateful for that... it may not reflect on my "followers list," but I know they're there. That's all that matters. And one day... (hopefully soon!) that pregnancy test will say positive.
Then my baseball playing golden retrievers will mean everything.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Star Wars and Spotting.
We have Star Wars "TATTOO" Bandaids...
They're actually rather neat. Sorry, for the long time no update, but I have been SUPER busy with everything from work, photography, and just trying not to fall asleep standing up that I haven't really had time to breathe! *sigh* SO! Back to my Star Wars Bandaids... We got them about three weeks ago now, but they are AMAZING! (Hey, I'm a geek, leave me be!) As we all know I had my second IUI procedure done on August 10th, which feels like a year ago now... but on the 14th I gave myself my booster shot of Ovidrel. Well, third time must be the charm because it HURT this time! The first two times I couldn't feel the needle and I didn't bleed at all. This time though, it hurt, I bled, and I bruised afterward. Well, I FREAKED out when it hurt, but I continued with the injection, pulled out the needle, and noticed blood in the syringe. So I immediately think "OMG I'M GOING TO DIE!" and I thought I didn't tap the all of the air bubbles out and injected an air pocket... I know, it's funny. Feel free to laugh. :) I retrieved a Star Wars Bandaid from the box and put it on my tiny injection site on my belly. I then peeled off the white outside part leaving just a clear adhesive with a picture of Obi Wan Kinobi. Yes, Obi Wan Kinobi was on my belly. :) And then I showed everyone at work. I also told two of my coworkers what happened and they (after laughing at me) told me, "you're not going to die... you most likely just hit a capillary." and, "do you know how much AIR it would take to kill you!?" :) I love them... and they loved my bandaid...
I had my progesterone level drawn on August 17th.
The doctor's office called me on Monday to tell me that my level was at 8.1. I asked them if that was good, and they told me that it was since my last level (for my first cycle) was only a 5.3 and even though it's not at 10 or anything that it isn't a horribly low level. So yay for that! I also know of plenty of people that conceived with a lower number than 8.1, so I'm happy with my level. However, I did ask the nurse if the doctor wanted me to take progesterone supplements just in case, and she told me that since I had the booster Ovidrel, that they would use that as a hormone regulator instead of more progesterone. If I were to take more progesterone it would mess with my period (if I'm going to get it). She also told me that if I'm NOT pregnant this time, they're increasing my Clomid dosage. I'm already at 150mg so I guess the next step is 200mg? Those hot flashes are going to be amazing...
Did I mention that this round of IUI feels 100% different?
Everything feels different. The first round of IUI I KNEW it didn't work. I literally cramped the whole two week waiting period. They started out dull the whole first week and then got progressively worse as week two began and then I started my period (for the second time) on the 24th of the month. I never felt tired, my boobs were not tender, I was not emotional. This time though? I cramped the initial day of the procedure. I laid around all day afterward as well, which I did NOT do the previous try. I cry for no reason. Literally, no reason at all. I was watching an Air Bud (the golden retriever) movie and I cried when he came out onto the baseball field. Really? THAT made me cry?? I also cried Monday night over spaghetti... or bread sticks, I'm not sure which one actually did the deed, but I hugged my husband for a solid two minutes with watery eyes while he laughed at me and asked me if I was okay. No, I'm not okay, my emotions are EVERYWHERE! My boobs are sore. If I touch them in any way they have a dull achy type pain to them. It's more annoying than anything. Speaking of annoying... I'm MOODY. Every little thing makes me start grumbling and everything is "annoying" me. :) I'm exhausted. I don't remember ever having been this tired before. I feel like I could fall asleep leaning on a counter. In fact, when I'm not working I'm napping. Now... ALL of these things could also be side effects to having a second Ovidrel shot. I'm not jumping up and down thinking I'm pregnant... I just know every little aspect about this round is different.
I started spotting yesterday.
THAT'S different... I don't think I've ever just spotted without then having my period. If my body is actually willing to be "regular" I'm due to start my period on the 24th of this month... but seeing as I started spotting yesterday around 12:20pm who the heck knows. After the initial 12:20pm spotting, it stopped altogether and I had no indication of any bleeding at all. I also did have dull cramping around 10:30am to 11:00am but I didn't think anything of it. I, of course, freaked out and called the doctor. They called back and told me that spotting is COMPLETELY NORMAL when you're undergoing fertility treatment. My uterus just has a lot going on at the moment so a little spotting is nothing to be concerned about. Two of my coworkers told me that cramping and spotting can happen during implantation. Hmm... I also woke up this morning with light spotting and it has been on and off throughout the whole day. Someone else told me that my uterus could be stretching to make room for a baby. Hmm... the only thing I care about is if it's normal or not. And seeing as they told me it was, I'm hoping I miss my period on the 24th and come back with a positive result on the 27th. If not? Well... we'll just have to try again won't we?
They're actually rather neat. Sorry, for the long time no update, but I have been SUPER busy with everything from work, photography, and just trying not to fall asleep standing up that I haven't really had time to breathe! *sigh* SO! Back to my Star Wars Bandaids... We got them about three weeks ago now, but they are AMAZING! (Hey, I'm a geek, leave me be!) As we all know I had my second IUI procedure done on August 10th, which feels like a year ago now... but on the 14th I gave myself my booster shot of Ovidrel. Well, third time must be the charm because it HURT this time! The first two times I couldn't feel the needle and I didn't bleed at all. This time though, it hurt, I bled, and I bruised afterward. Well, I FREAKED out when it hurt, but I continued with the injection, pulled out the needle, and noticed blood in the syringe. So I immediately think "OMG I'M GOING TO DIE!" and I thought I didn't tap the all of the air bubbles out and injected an air pocket... I know, it's funny. Feel free to laugh. :) I retrieved a Star Wars Bandaid from the box and put it on my tiny injection site on my belly. I then peeled off the white outside part leaving just a clear adhesive with a picture of Obi Wan Kinobi. Yes, Obi Wan Kinobi was on my belly. :) And then I showed everyone at work. I also told two of my coworkers what happened and they (after laughing at me) told me, "you're not going to die... you most likely just hit a capillary." and, "do you know how much AIR it would take to kill you!?" :) I love them... and they loved my bandaid...
I had my progesterone level drawn on August 17th.
The doctor's office called me on Monday to tell me that my level was at 8.1. I asked them if that was good, and they told me that it was since my last level (for my first cycle) was only a 5.3 and even though it's not at 10 or anything that it isn't a horribly low level. So yay for that! I also know of plenty of people that conceived with a lower number than 8.1, so I'm happy with my level. However, I did ask the nurse if the doctor wanted me to take progesterone supplements just in case, and she told me that since I had the booster Ovidrel, that they would use that as a hormone regulator instead of more progesterone. If I were to take more progesterone it would mess with my period (if I'm going to get it). She also told me that if I'm NOT pregnant this time, they're increasing my Clomid dosage. I'm already at 150mg so I guess the next step is 200mg? Those hot flashes are going to be amazing...
Did I mention that this round of IUI feels 100% different?
Everything feels different. The first round of IUI I KNEW it didn't work. I literally cramped the whole two week waiting period. They started out dull the whole first week and then got progressively worse as week two began and then I started my period (for the second time) on the 24th of the month. I never felt tired, my boobs were not tender, I was not emotional. This time though? I cramped the initial day of the procedure. I laid around all day afterward as well, which I did NOT do the previous try. I cry for no reason. Literally, no reason at all. I was watching an Air Bud (the golden retriever) movie and I cried when he came out onto the baseball field. Really? THAT made me cry?? I also cried Monday night over spaghetti... or bread sticks, I'm not sure which one actually did the deed, but I hugged my husband for a solid two minutes with watery eyes while he laughed at me and asked me if I was okay. No, I'm not okay, my emotions are EVERYWHERE! My boobs are sore. If I touch them in any way they have a dull achy type pain to them. It's more annoying than anything. Speaking of annoying... I'm MOODY. Every little thing makes me start grumbling and everything is "annoying" me. :) I'm exhausted. I don't remember ever having been this tired before. I feel like I could fall asleep leaning on a counter. In fact, when I'm not working I'm napping. Now... ALL of these things could also be side effects to having a second Ovidrel shot. I'm not jumping up and down thinking I'm pregnant... I just know every little aspect about this round is different.
I started spotting yesterday.
THAT'S different... I don't think I've ever just spotted without then having my period. If my body is actually willing to be "regular" I'm due to start my period on the 24th of this month... but seeing as I started spotting yesterday around 12:20pm who the heck knows. After the initial 12:20pm spotting, it stopped altogether and I had no indication of any bleeding at all. I also did have dull cramping around 10:30am to 11:00am but I didn't think anything of it. I, of course, freaked out and called the doctor. They called back and told me that spotting is COMPLETELY NORMAL when you're undergoing fertility treatment. My uterus just has a lot going on at the moment so a little spotting is nothing to be concerned about. Two of my coworkers told me that cramping and spotting can happen during implantation. Hmm... I also woke up this morning with light spotting and it has been on and off throughout the whole day. Someone else told me that my uterus could be stretching to make room for a baby. Hmm... the only thing I care about is if it's normal or not. And seeing as they told me it was, I'm hoping I miss my period on the 24th and come back with a positive result on the 27th. If not? Well... we'll just have to try again won't we?
Sunday, August 12, 2012
I got a feelin'...
I feel different...
I don't know if I'm pregnant. It's still too early to tell. I only had my second IUI procedure on Friday. So yeah. I don't know if it's just because I have a better feeling about it this time around or my attitude is just all around better or what, but all I know is that I feel different. After last month's IUI procedure I cramped the whole two week waiting period. I mean, non-stop cramping the whole time. But I just assumed that was normal since they told me I may experience cramping. This time around... I cramped the actual day of and haven't had a cramp since. My sister-in-law thinks that maybe last time was my body saying, "Nope, no baby for you!" and this time around it might have worked.
Still too early to say.
I do think this waiting period will go by quicker than last month's because it's actually LONGER. I have a progesterone level this coming Friday to see if my levels are good after my booster shot (on Tuesday), and because of the booster shot I can't go for my pregnancy blood draw until August 27th. So this is basically a two and a half week waiting period. I found that I'm not as vocal about my appointments as I was last month either. I'm just kind of like, "you can ask me, and I'll tell you." But I'm not just straight up volunteering the information anymore. I feel like if people want to know they can read the blog or just ask me. I mean, this is all pretty redundant after the first IUI don't ya think? It really doesn't deviate much from the original plan of attack.
I actually smiled on Friday...
After the procedure while my husband and I walked to our car I caught myself grinning like a school girl with a crush. I remember thinking, "this is going to be a good one." I can just FEEL it. Everything about round two compared to round one is just different. From the doctor who performed the procedure, to the cramping and spotting afterward. I don't 100% have my hopes all the way up, but I'm just saying... I've got a good feeling.
I don't know if I'm pregnant. It's still too early to tell. I only had my second IUI procedure on Friday. So yeah. I don't know if it's just because I have a better feeling about it this time around or my attitude is just all around better or what, but all I know is that I feel different. After last month's IUI procedure I cramped the whole two week waiting period. I mean, non-stop cramping the whole time. But I just assumed that was normal since they told me I may experience cramping. This time around... I cramped the actual day of and haven't had a cramp since. My sister-in-law thinks that maybe last time was my body saying, "Nope, no baby for you!" and this time around it might have worked.
Still too early to say.
I do think this waiting period will go by quicker than last month's because it's actually LONGER. I have a progesterone level this coming Friday to see if my levels are good after my booster shot (on Tuesday), and because of the booster shot I can't go for my pregnancy blood draw until August 27th. So this is basically a two and a half week waiting period. I found that I'm not as vocal about my appointments as I was last month either. I'm just kind of like, "you can ask me, and I'll tell you." But I'm not just straight up volunteering the information anymore. I feel like if people want to know they can read the blog or just ask me. I mean, this is all pretty redundant after the first IUI don't ya think? It really doesn't deviate much from the original plan of attack.
I actually smiled on Friday...
After the procedure while my husband and I walked to our car I caught myself grinning like a school girl with a crush. I remember thinking, "this is going to be a good one." I can just FEEL it. Everything about round two compared to round one is just different. From the doctor who performed the procedure, to the cramping and spotting afterward. I don't 100% have my hopes all the way up, but I'm just saying... I've got a good feeling.
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